From the Desk of Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Dear Noble Reader,

Your butt. Yes, I want to talk about your butt, for your butt is the most important part of your body. If you've got a great one, people tend to stare at it. If you've got a flat one, you'll need to put a pillow under it. If you've got an itchy one, you'll need to scratch it. Sooner or later, some annoying problem is going to crawl up your butt the wrong way and don't even get me started if you work in a stressful environment filled with duplicitous, backstabbing coworkers. In that case, you'd better cover your butt.

Speaking of covering your butt, do you know where your heiney is the least protected? The toilet. That's right. The toilet.  Everyday, you go to work and you make sure you do the right thing so the boss doesn't theoretically bite off a piece of your butt as he fires you.  On your way home, you look over your shoulder to ensure that a mugger isn't lurking somewhere in the shadows, waiting to pop out of nowhere and kick your butt. Alas, when you drop your trousers and take a seat in order to make a cheek squeak, your butt is left completely defenseless as it rests upon the porcelain throne.

"But BQB," you will surely say. "What could possibly go wrong while I'm sitting on the crapper?"

I'm sorry. I know you are my beloved noble reader, but that's a stupid question. Honestly. Pull your head out of your butt and get in the game here.

Have you ever thought about what happens to a turd after you flush it? You probably haven't, you inconsiderate prick. That poop that was once food that nourished your body goes down a pipe, gets transferred through a line going underneath your property, through which it travels until it reaches your community's sewer system. From there, it makes the long journey to your local sewage treatment facility.

In other words, there is a whole freaking subterranean highway lurking below your ass crack and you've never even thought about it because you're all like, "La dee da, look at me, my life is so important that I don't have to think about what is going on underneath my butt while I'm pooping."

Snap out of your self-obsessed existence, noble reader, for there is a whole other world full of devastation, death and intrigue going on in the lowly depths beneath your butt. Close your eyes, push with all your might, then get the hell off of the bowl and wipe as fast as you can because just when you thought it was safe to go number two, I present to you, Toilet Gator.

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