Chapter Eleven: The Real Me

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I pulled out the draw as far as it could go to find the tablets but I couldn’t find them anywhere. “What are you doing?” asked Hayley from behind me. I turned around and looked at her.

“I’m trying to find some tablets for my headache,” I said to her.

“I think you’re lying about being ill to make Jim feel bad,” she said to me.

 “I’m not,” I simply said.

“I don’t believe you,” she said coming towards me. Without really thinking I grabbed one of the sharp knives and raised it in front of me.

“Don’t touch me,” I said to her. I watched her eyes look at the knife.

“You think your brave do you? Put the knife down before someone gets seriously hurt,” she said.

“Only if you leave me alone,” I said to her.

“Alright but I still don’t trust you,” she said before she left the kitchen. I sighed with relief. I put the knife back and continued to look for the tablets until I found them. I took two tablets out and grabbed myself some water. I took the tablets before I headed back down to the basement to get some more sleep.

All I was faced with were nightmares and I hardly got any more sleep. When I finally did I woke up at seven as Hayley went to stab me in my dream. Why am I letting her get to me? I shook the feeling of I should be afraid of her as I sat up in bed. At least I’m feeling a bit better.

Maybe I’ll just go school today so Hayley would stop moaning at me. I got to my feet as my mobile began to ring. I grabbed it and answered it.

“Hey Arrow are you coming in today?” asked Paul.

“Yeah sure, I’ll see you on the bus,” I said to him before I hung up. I began to rush around to find my school clothes. I found it sitting at my desk. I quickly got dressed grabbed my rucksack before I headed up stairs to the kitchen to have breakfast.

“You’re up,” said Jim as I entered the kitchen.

“Yeah I’m feeling better,” I explained to him.

“So where did you get the cut on your face?” asked Jim. I looked at him blankly. I had completely forgotten the excuse I had made up. I had told Colin. What was it?

“Arrow!” shouted Jim at me.

“I told Colin I got into a spot of trouble,” I said to him.

“If anyone asked for any more information then that don’t mention my name,” he said pointing his finger at me.

“I wouldn’t dream of it uncle,” I said to him as I pulled open the fridge and grabbed the butter. I put some toast on as I watched Jim cook bacon.

“Want some?” he asked.

“No I’m fine thanks. Could I have the money for lunch though?” I asked him.

“Oh yeah right,” he said as he pulled out some money and gave me a five pound note, “Thanks.”

When the toast popped I took it out, grabbed a butter knife and buttered my toast. I began to eat it as I put the butter back and put the knife in the sink. “See you later,” I said to Jim as I left the kitchen cut across the front room and grabbed my school shoes. I put them on quickly and pulled open the front door.

I left the house slamming the door behind me and I waited outside on the wall until the school bus arrived. I went over to the bus and climbed aboard. “What happened to you yesterday?” he asked me.

“I’m sorry I was ill,” I said to the bus driver.

“What happened to your eye?” he asked.

“I got into some trouble,” I said before I walked down the bus until I got to the back and I sat down next to Paul.

“What the heck!” he shouted.

“Paul calm down,” I said to him.

“You look worse than before,” he said to me.

“Thanks for that. I know this looks bad but its fine,” I said to him.

“This isn’t fine,” he said pointing at my face. I pulled his hand down,” Paul stop it.”

“I’m sorry man but how can you just let this happen to yourself,” he said to me.

“You know why,” I said sitting back in my chair.

“I don’t understand though,” he said. I sat in silence on the bus and Paul didn’t say anything and neither did I. Why couldn’t he just understand? He knows this is hard for me and I don’t really want to leave.

I got up from my sit and headed down the bus before it even stopped. I was the first person off the bus and heading into the school leaving Paul behind me. I wanted to see Caz and Lilly. It felt like a life time away I had spoken to them. I found them both chatting at their lockers.

I went over to them and they both smiled when I stopped in front of them. “Arrow it’s been ages. What happened to your eye?” asked Caz. I brought them both into a hug without answering her question.

“Arrow are you alright?” asked Caz as I pulled from them.

“I’ve been better but it’s great to see you both,” I smiled.

“Well we are happy to see you too,” smiled Lilly.

“Hey Arrow,” I heard my sister say from behind me. I turned around to find my sister standing there with Colin.

“Yeah what’s up?” I asked her.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I said.

“Colin could have given you a lift this morning, “she said to me. “

“Its fine I rather take the bus anyway,” I said.

“I’m glad you are better. I’ll see you later,” she said before she walked off with Colin. I watched as Colin walked off holding my sisters hand and imagined that being my hand instead. Him touching me, I want to be his boyfriend.

I can’t be sure but I think it’s clear as much as I tried to deny it I like boys. There is nothing else to describe it. I only get attracted by boys and I don’t get attracted to girls I meet, even Trish who most guys want to be there girlfriend. Boys see me as lucky having Trish but I don’t. My sister is lucky as she has Colin, anyone who has Colin is lucky.

“What are you staring at?” asked Lilly.

“Colin,” slipped out my mouth.

“Why don’t you like him dating your sister?” asked Caz.

“I don’t know, I think he is a nice guy but you never know,” I said to them. They both nodded. That saved me.

“Let’s get to form,” said Caz as she and Lilly headed towards form and Paul followed pursuit as he had just caught up. I watched them walk off and around the corner. I crashed my fist into the locker. Why has my life have to be this way? Why is it so hard for someone to accept you being who and what you are?

I still don’t know if I’m gay. I could be bi. I have no idea and it’s starting to get to the point where I don’t know what to do anymore. What could I do? I might be Arrow but until I really understand my sexuality no one knows the real me.

 

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