Standing Here

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For many years I have stood here,

On the edge of my life,

Looking out into the vastness of the world.

Many times I have tried,

to open up to someone,

to really try and feel again.

But the numbness always comes,

the need and desire,

and I'm bound to this.

At first I didn't care,

I wanted to be happy,

and I was willing to do,

almost anything for it.

But then I became less open,

and shut myself down,

not trusting,

not allowing myself,

to have what I wanted.

And even then,

I later rejected myself completely,

believing that if I tried hard enough,

the pain and sadness,

the past,

would go away.

Just like my feelings,

just like my desires,

just like my needs,

I wanted them to go away.

I couldn't live anymore,

and so when I was alone,

I decided it was time to leave this place.

But I was stopped,

not allowed to meet oblivion,

and the feelings began to come back,

even stronger than before.

So I expressed them,

through visual works,

through the scars now hidden on my arms.

And now I watch and wait,

no longer ignoring myself,

only wishing I could,

at the least let go,

and open up.

Wishing I could trust,

and let myself love,

and yet once I did,

it continued to hurt inside.

As I continue on,

please,

let me love you,

let me be free,

let me find you,

so that I may forever breath again,

no longer held down by the chains,

of depression on my heart,

only open and happy,

in your arms.

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