Forever Ruined

Chapter Eight

He had hoped she would take leave as soon a possible, shuddering thinking of the dangers she would face aboard such a vessel. Besides the natural disasters that could sink a ship at sea, there were war vessels that would love to take the EIC's bounty as blood money. Pirates still prevailed beyond the equator. Illnesses tended to run rampant on a journey that long.

Worst of all would be what could happen if she were discovered to be a woman.

His mind was too overcome by fear of the outcome. He needed to get a fresh point of view. He headed to Whites to find Beau. As always, Beau was seen sitting in his spot by the window. His eyes widened when he saw Benjamin approaching.

Brumell stood and offered him a chair once he was inside. One look at his friend and he knew the news was dire.

"She is gone, then?"

Benjamin could only nod his head in assent.

"Where to?"

Benjamin looked lost as his eyes met Beau's. "India."

Beau choked on his drink after having taken a sip, causing a coughing fit. "India? How the devil did she get herself passage to India?"

"If my intel is correct as a valet for Lord Fitton aboard one of Redgrave's ships."

Beau was shocked, "You don't mean to say."

"Yes, she's taken up with an old pastime of hers. Beau, if she is discovered..." Benjamin couldn't finish the sentence. His hand trembled as he reached for the glass placed in front of him.

Beau leaned back in his chair. He knew this would happen. He knew it from the very moment Benjamin admitted his love for Clara. They were doomed like Romeo and Juliet. Clara may already be a lost cause, now his concern was for Benjamin.

"Benjamin. I know how you feel about Clara. She has a pull... a hold on you, unlike anything or anyone in your life but you MUST let her go."

"I can not," Benjamin said. They were the words of a broken man.

"The decision is no longer yours. She has taken it from you. By boarding that ship she has removed herself from your life to who knows where. There is no catching up to her, no tracking her down, if she survives..."

Benjamin looked torn apart and Beau wished nothing more than to remove this burden from him but knew it would be a cross he would continue to bear for the rest of his days.

"If she survives it would be over a year before I see her again, but the likelihood that she would return is non-existent. She has left me, broken and alone." 

Benjamin sloshed the content of his glass to the back of his throat. Relishing in the burn as it slid down into the pit of his stomach, to feel anything at this moment felt like a small achievement.

"She did it for you, Benjamin. Not to you."

Benjamin scoffed at this. "I see very little difference in the two."

"She set you free at the price of herself. If that is not an act of love, I dare say I know not what it is."

"Love is a fool's errand. My heart and will were weakened by her face, her kisses, her devotion. Now there is nothing left but an empty shell where a heart once lay."

Beau knew when to stand down in a fight he had no chance of winning.

"Back to business then?"

"What news have you?" Benjamin asked looking around at the occupants of Whites. Odd how your whole existence can change in a flash of a moment yet the world around you continues on unaffected.

"Bryon lost his wager."

"That comes as no surprise. The law was bound to pass. Has Prinny assented?"

"Yes. Bryon did give one hell of speech. Many said it was quite moving however the second he sat down, the motion was passed to put the law into effect."

"Repercussions?"

None, thus far but it's early yet. The Luddites don't come across as a very organized group. More like thug activity in response to their livelihoods being taken from them. I don't think we have seen the end of the riots. The most unpredictable thing about them is you never know where or when they will strike next.

"What else have I missed?

"There is rumors...well concerns primarily, that we may see ourselves in war with the States."

Benjamin rubbed the back of his neck another country, another war. "While we are still at it with France? It could mean the end of us. Our resources can not hold out forever."

"And there in lies the problem," Beau said. "The United States is still sore over the Chesapeake affair. They tried an embargo with disastrous results. We have impressed many of their men, while searching for our own and it seems they may have their eye on Canada. The grumbling is becoming louder on the other side of the world."

Impressment. Benjamin hadn't thought... what if Clara's ship was taken. What if....?

"Do you believe I have any chance of getting word to Redgrave about Clara being on his ship?"

Beau sighed. "Doubtful but not impossible. You'd have to get messages out to several ports in the hopes that he may use one of them for his journey. Worst case the message would not be received until the return trip home but Redgrave would at least be able to tell you what had become of her. Doesn't your brother-in-law have connections with the navy... Lord Bentley... isn't he a war hero or some such?"

"Richard, of course!"

Hope sprung a new. Only to be dashed across the rocks when Beau added, "Of course in order to get his assistance you will have to tell you have lost his sister."

Benjamin would not be dissuaded. He must try. 

"Perhaps I will be lucky," Benjamin said, though his smile held no mirth, "and he will shoot me through the heart and end my misery once and for all."