It's been two months to the day since 'Extreme Makeover: Jeff Edition' started and when pondering this fact, Jeff feels a little uneasy. Partially because he believes celebrating "monthiversaries" should be relegated to couples under the age of 18. There's nothing quite as sad as middle aged men and women excited because they are going out to celebrate their four-month anniversary. Except maybe those who don't even have four month anniversaries but that's still debatable.
The other reason Jeff feels uneasy is because he knows anytime he's tried something new, this is about the time he's bailed. CrossFit lasted 57 days which was 55 days after he became convinced it should be categorized as a cult. Art classes lasted 61 days, while Thai Fusion cooking classes set the high water mark at a whopping 68 days.
So while he was a little concerned he might slip back to his old ways, he also had to admit that he wasn't hating his new life. He and Katie, after what could generously be called a rocky start, have been going strong for six weeks. 'What do you get somebody for a six-week anniversary' Jeff thought to himself. 'That's right, nothing because it's not a real thing.'
Even the weekly blogging was getting easier and easier for him. He no longer stares at the webcam dread and apprehension. And even he would have to admit that he was getting better at it. One might even say he was enjoying it.
Case in point – Jeff walks into his bedroom, flips open his computer, fires up the webcam and launches in to a brand new post.
"When I was a kid, my grandmother had this framed picture that always bothered me. It was one of those optical illusions where it was a picture of a haggard old woman or a pretty young girl depending on how you saw it. I don't know why it creeped me out so much. I guess it made me uncomfortable that it wasn't one thing or another. Maybe that's why every time I looked at it, all I could see was the old woman. I thought of that picture this past weekend. Our old college friend Hilary's wedding was fast approaching. We were all invited but...
"I'm out," Louie declares emphatically.
Louie sits at their regular Cedar Room table where Niko, Ashley, and Jeff are well into their second round.
"Out? Out of what?" Jeff
"Hilary's wedding," Louie says. "I just found out Cathy Maloney's going to be there."
"Isn't that the chick you stood up at the spring formal?" Niko says, bar able to stifle a chuckle.
"That was forever ago. I'm sure she's over it by now," Jeff said reassuringly.
"You kidding? Women remember that stuff."
You're going to miss my big MC speech," Ashley says. "If there's even one dry eye when I'm done, I will consider it a failure."
"Wait, we all went to university with her. How do you know Hilary?" Louie asks.
"We grew up two doors down from each other. We were inseparable until she move away right before high school."
"Well I'm not going either," Niko says. "Hilary and I had a thing back in university and I don't think she's ever gotten over me. Besides, there's only one reason I ever go to weddings."
"Oh I can't wait to hear this," Ashley says.
"It's his low hanging fruit theory," Jeff offers.
"If there's a wedding, there's a bride. If there's a bride, there are bridesmaids and if there are bridesmaids, there is a perfect storm for getting laid. You have the underlying romantic mythology to set the mood, the excitement induced release of endorphins, the need to be reassured that they too are sexually attractive and when you combine all that with the free flow of wine and spirits - Low. Hanging. Fruit."
YOU ARE READING
The New TwentyHumor
***WATTYS 2017 WINNER*** When the newly single, 40 year-old Jeff Dempsey suffers an agonizing humiliation at his high school reunion, he comes to realize he has accomplished almost nothing with his life. Armed with this new found insight, Jeff char...