I Become the Guy with the Lighter

914 13 6

I've had a boner since August, 1944.  Oh, I'm sorry, are you under 40 years old?  That's what you kids today call a hard-on.  I've had a hard-on for the past seventy years.  And eternal youth, strength, and if you'll pardon my immodesty, decently good looks to boot.  Think that's a good thing?  Wrong, wrong, WRONG!  Immortality sucks.  Have a seat, let me tell you my tale of woe...

It all started when the Japs attacked us in '41.  Like any red-blooded American boy, I enlisted.  Private Johnson, Richard B.  Me and a couple other guys got sent to a small island in the Pacific, off South America.  Our mission was to occupy the island, and radio in if we saw any Japanese activity.  We never did.  It was boring, but not unpleasant.

There was a small tribe of natives living on nearby islands, and we looked forward to their visits.  I picked up some of their language, and they learned ours.

Those locals had an exhausting method of making fire.  They would take a dry stick and plow it along a board until it started smoking and formed an ember.  It was hard work, and in fact, only one man among them had the strength to do it.  And if that big guy wasn't with them, they either had to carry fire with them in a coconut shell, or just eat everything raw.

At one of their feasts, I pulled out my Zippo and lit their fire the White Man's way.  Everyone was in awe.  I showed their Shaman how to work the lighter, and he liked it so much, I let him keep it (I had 3, anyway).  A new word was invented in their language for cigarette lighter, akh pididu (permanent fire), and they gave me the name, kita akh pididu (man who brings the lighter).

The following day, the Shaman visited me.

"Kita akh pididu, me tank," he said in his pidgin, "me give little pleasant, you.  You say, 'Si pididu, da,' you pididu."   To my understanding, that meant, "Me always, now."  It didn't make sense, but I didn't want to insult him, so said thanks.

I wanted to see some action, so transferred to Commando training shortly thereafter.  We liberated Paris in '44.  It was one of the proudest moments of my life.  The local girls were so happy to see us, they were GIVING it away, giving it away like they hadn't seen a man in years.  And maybe they hadn't - all the young men were away at war.  At a little cafe, I met a brunette named Monica or Monique or something like that.  A pure, sweet, and innocent darling of a girl.  Naturally, I wanted to fuck her.

She spoke no English, and neither did I speak French, but through a series of unabashedly explicit gestures, she made it abundantly clear what she wanted.  In the interest of improving Franco-American relations, I followed her up to her room.


A/N: Language Glossary

akh - fire

pididu - permanent, always, forever

ki - he, she

ta - bring, fetch

si - me, I, myself

da - now 

Immortality SucksWhere stories live. Discover now