Biography of a Healing Heart

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"Hey Baby"

The simplest words in the world and they can make her day. How is that? More importantly, Why is that? Who is this guy that he has such an affect on her? It's simple really. He is the only one who she felt comfortable crying to when the guy she loved broke her heart, She was in love with this guy for four years. He cheated on her, effectively breaking her heart. She felt broken and worthless and most of all, hurt. It was more than she knew how to take. Even worse than the first time he hurt her, or even the second. Worse because this time she realized he didn't love her, an she realized she had to leave him. That is something she didn't have the strength to do all the other times he betrayed her for a moment of bliss with another. She is a girl with low self-confidence on a good day. In a bad, she hates herself. Despises herself really. She cannot find one solidly good thing about herself. In fact she usually wishes she wasn't there anymore. She wasn't suicidal, She didn't want to kill herself; she just didn't want to exist anymore. Or better still- to of never existed at all.

Somehow she found the strength-or weakness depending on how you classify it-to forgive him and stay with him. Don't misunderstand, with him things were great for her; she was happy with him. She loved him and she believed he loved her; To this day she still believes it. She knows now that he is so emotionally stunted and damaged that he cannot love her and treat her properly-he can't treat any girl like he should. She is not the first girl he has wounded beyond repair. There was another. And that other is precisely the person he cheated on her with. In fact, that other person is exactly who told her that he had cheated. Her world was spinning. She couldn't breathe.."Help me..Help me" she called out hopelessly crying curled up alone in the dark. She was scared, betrayed, and alone. She help a knife in her hand knowing that cutting the pain away is what she would usually do. But she had made a promise not to do this anymore; She cannot break a promise.

Desperate for someone to help her, she called the only person she could think of...she called her friend. This new guy. Above all others, her best friend couldn't do for her what this guy could do. He was friends with the guy who broke her, that's how she met him, sitting at lunch with this new guy and her heart-breaker. She never thought much of him, just a friend of her guys. But when her guy disappeared and she didn't know where he was or what he was doing she talked to the friend. This guy. This amazing guy who listened to her in ways that the guy she thought she loved never did. She couldn't understand it. But it scared her. Terrified really. There it was though, they were friends. She confided in him, she cared about him, eventually she found that he cared for her. In many ways he was more than a friend. But healing after a betrayal of such magnitude is a long process.

They began to talk on the phone every night, which was no small thing for her seeing as how she never talks on the phone and in fact hates to. But with this guy...she didn't know, he was something else, more than just a conversation and she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. She feared that he could develop feelings for her and get hurt, if she cared for him any less she would have flirted with him, got him to care for her, and walked away as she had been doing to countless guys since she became single. She figured "what the hell? It's not my fault all i have to do is flirt -which i love to do anyway so what's the big deal? I'm not doing anything with these guys, i just talk to them." That was her logic. And while for a while it would due she knew it was wrong. She led guy after guy to ask her out or admit feelings for her. She never led them on, she told them straight out that she didn't have feelings for them and right from the start she said nothing was going to happen between them. To each guy she made this speech; It only seemed to draw them in more. Guys really do love a challenge. Unfortunately for them, this girl was a challenge they would never win.

One night on the phone with the one guy friend she did not play this game with, her friend, she asked him of his feelings for her, about her. She waited holding her breath, her heart pounding out the words "please don't let me hurt him if he does like me" His answer was not a surprise to her, it he cared for her deeply and wanted to be with her, he really liked her and trusted her more than anyone he has ever met. He had told her of the troubles that have destroyed parts of his life. His dark side. She knew it all and he knew all of her, learning more every day. His profession of affection for her had her in tears he didn't notice. She is very good at hiding her sadness from the world. With a sinking feeling of panic she realized she felt something familiar to her. Somethings that the words he spoke seemed to describe. With a gasp of agony and fear she realized she care for him, deeply. This scared her more than anything in the world. More than being alone. More than having to live without her Ex. She professed her feelings to him and told him of her fears. He seemed taken aback and told her she can trust him and that he will NEVER hurt her, he couldn't hurt her. She trusted that he wouldn't; she realized that she wanted to be with him. And that terrified her because she saw flashes of her heart breaking once again. She knew he wouldn't hurt her, but she was not ready to open herself up to another opportunity for heartache to take her over. He understood immediately as she tried to explain just that. She barely had launched into it and he stopped her to say that he understood and she didn't have to say it. She was lost for words, didn't know what to say to him so she ended that chapter with a simple "okay"

 For about a month after this conversation, they flirted, they talked, they were around each other when they could be. But they never touched. She wanted badly to put her arms around him, or simply hold his hand but she couldn't. While she knew she would be accepted by him she didn't know if her heart could accept another guys touch. He once again, understood. He always understood her. Every word she spoke, every tear she cried, he understood. And it was that understanding that made her realized that maybe she could be with him. This little thought seemed to haunt her, every time they spoke, texted, or saw each other, this one little thought, "maybe i can be with him" showed up. The thought became more and more frequent and overwhelming as her heart healed more and more.

One morning she decided to take them to another step, a commitment. She was petrified. She decided to do this in the most cowardly way-through text. He texted her every morning, and all day. She simply referred to him as her Boyfriend while texting him. Simple phrases "you're the best BOYFRIEND ever" not to suble, but maybe that was the point. She waited, once again, being forced to hold her breathe by this boy, He texted her back and didn't speak of her word choice. Disapointed, she tried again, and finally she got a response, he simply asked, "Am i yours and are you mine? Am i really your Boyfriend?" Her heart pounded, she said "yes, but only if you want me and won't hurt me." he swore to her never to harm her in any way and that he wanted to be with her. And she believed it.

She didn't discover till later the reason he didn't respond the first time. He told her later on that he noticed, and it made him happy, and he wanted to be sure it was true so he didn't respond to it knowing that, if it was indeed true, she would want a reaction an she would say it again. She laughed and called him mean for his manipulations of her, From that day on she was greeted with the most amazing of phrases; "Hey Baby" millions of guys have said just that but only one guy could use it and make her heart flutter. He made her so happy and treated her in a way she had never experienced; he treated her right. He listened to her and talked to her. He went out of his way to put a smile on that girls face. The first time they kissed she could not keep the smile from her face. it was impossible. She had never felt a greater feeling. She was flying.

A month an fourteen days to date, and they are happy. While it does not seem like long you have to remember that this is not in regular couple terms; this is in a healing heart terms, as in every single second she is fighting to resist suspicion and instinctual distrust in him that he does not deserve. She knows her negative feelings are simply part of the scar her heart breaker left and will not go away, he knows as well and he understands. For that she is eternally grateful. She is also grateful that she gets to hear him say "Hey baby" every day, for as long as he will keep her. And she preys that he keep her around for the rest of their lives. She hopes that every day she can wake up to that same phrase-

"Hey Baby"