My Break Up in 1500 Words

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I don't really know how to start this, or put my feelings into words but I know I need to. Partly to help me heal, partly to let you guys know what's going on and partly so anyone reading this in the same situation can relate and know I am here to talk.

So... I am going through a break up. On Tuesday my boyfriend broke up with me. We would've been going out 6 months on the 12th February. Known each other 7 months. I have given over half a year of my life to a boy who threw it all away.

I have a lot of emotions about this break up. Confusion, hurt, sadness, anger but I think most of all relief. Now you may be thinking relief? What the fuck. Let me explain.

Me and my boyfriend, let's call him Joel. We had problems just like any other couple. We fought, disagreed with each other but most of all loved each other. He was very needy. I get claustrophobia. Already not a good combination. We we're both virgins but he wanted sex more than I did. I never felt an urge to have sex. I don't know if it was just with him, I don't know if it's all guys, I don't know if I just don't ever want to have sex. I just don't know. He liked to cuddle, I liked my own space. He wanted to be with me every second of the day, I wanted my own space. He wasn't close with his family, I am. He didn't want me to hang out with my friends, I did.

We just weren't the jigsaw puzzle we once thought we were. See when you're new to a relationship you want to get to know each other, be with each other all the time. When you know each other you need some alone time sometimes. And don't let anyone ever fucking tell you that you don't.

A few weeks ago we had an argument because I wouldn't tongue him when we were kissing because let's face it, it made him horny and I felt uncomfortable I didn't want to have sex. Then we had an argument because I didn't sleep at his house the next day after he slept at mine, after I had been at work all day. Then just last week we had an argument because I spent the weekend with my friends and family. Bearing in mind I hadn't spent time with my friends in fucking months and the past 6 months all my weekends were spent with him. Then we had an argument because I couldn't make definite plans with him for the weekend just gone. I knew I was going to be busy because it was my Mam's birthday and my Aunties birthday.

On Tuesday he was meant to come to my house. His Nana brings him to my house and my Mam takes him home. He was meant to be coming at 5pm and my Mam was taking him home at 8:30pm. He texted me at 4pm and said his Nana was in hospital so he'd be a bit late. I said to him let's leave it I can come tomorrow because my Mam was going to her boyfriends, who lives near him and it would be easier on his Nana. He was being really moody with me but I just ignored it and said have fun when he said he was going out.

I got a message an hour later saying ring me, please. So I did thinking omg something bad has happened. When he rang me he was crying so I tried to calm him down and I heard him saying I can't do it. So I just asked do what? He then said I don't feel anything for you anymore. At this point I started hyperventilating. He said I had bailed on him when he needed me most because it was serious. That wasn't my intention, nor did I know it was serious. She goes in a lot for routine checks, so I just assumed it was that. He then said to me I'm never there and said I don't want to be with you anymore. I hung up on him and bawled to my Mam. He messaged me later on saying sorry I'm too stressed and can't deal with things. I can't deal with our relationship anymore. Saying he loves me when 10 minutes before he was saying I don't have feelings for you anymore.

He messaged me another hour later saying sorry and said he was checking on me. And that he didn't do this to upset me. I said to him I think I would be better to be friends from now on so I don't drag my hurt out. We already broke up once before. He had a second chance and blew it. He agreed but an hour later he was telling me he regretted it. I said we agreed to be friends and asked him to stop messaging me. The next day he messaged me and asked how I was. When I ignored him he gave me a very moody reply.

This break up came out of nowhere. One minute we were fine the next we're single. That's my confusion.

My sadness and hurt is losing someone who was such a big fucking part of my life who can say I didn't mean anything to him anymore and then tell me he loves me. He's a gigantic head fuck and is just hurting me further especially messaging my best friend too about me.

I am so fucking angry because I did everything for that boy. I loved him, gave all my time to him, saw him every weekend even when I worked both days and I was tired and run off my feet. I saw him when I was sick and just wanted to sleep. I stayed at his house even though I felt so fucking homesick for him. I only ever tried to make him happy regardless of how I felt. I'd spend all my money and time on him to have nothing in return. I'm angry he can throw it all away because of stress and problems that had nothing to do with me. I'm angry he can say he can't deal with our relationship when he was the fucking problem.

I am relieved because that head fuck is out of my life. I am relieved because I can see my friends and not feel guilty. I can comment on Dylan O'Brien being sexy as hell and not have an argument. I can have time to myself. I can spend money on myself. I don't have to argue with someone day after day. I feel free. I CAN SPEND ALL NIGHT WATCHING NETFLIX AND NOT FEEL GUILTY WHATSOEVER. And honestly I think sticking to my word and not running back to him was a good decision.

I love him with all my heart but he was not the love of my life. He was someone who put me on the right path and taught me a lot about myself. I am so fucking glad I never gave him my virginity. Don't ever give into someone unless you're 100% sure. If you really fucking want it.

I think what's kept my spirits up the most is cutting off contact, being with friends, laughing, eating all the shitty food I want and listening to the best fucking songs.

My favourite song right now is So Soon by Marianas Trench. Honestly it describes my situation and is so good to sing to.

My advice is to cry until you can't anymore and then get on your feet and make a change. Cut off contact until you've healed. Eat ice cream and chocolate. Laugh. Soak in the bath. Sing break up songs. Look at other guys. Watch your favourite TV shows. Read Fanfic. Talk to your friends. Move on with your life.

And to my ex boyfriend if you ever read this which you won't I just want to say thanks for the memories but also a big fuck you. When you were nice you were the best but when you were moody, you were a massive dick. I love you and wish you the best for the future. Thanks for hurting me and making me 10 times stronger.

I want to say I'm hurting but I'm moving through it and to do this I want to write. If I do I don't know. But I want to. And I'm here if anyone is going through this situation.

I will be making a schedule again soon but as of right now I am about to start potential 7 days of college, work and placement. I will sort all of this shit out but first I need to sort my own shit out and heal.

I love you guys and I'm glad I have you all by my side through this.

H xx

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