Chapter 28 - Let It Be (The Beatles ; 1970)

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*trigger warning: mentions of death and dying; read at your own discretion*

Everything went in slow motion: the ambulance arriving, the drive to the hospital, the way the EMTs tried to revive my father using CPR and whatever other tactics they could come up with, the way my arms were grabbed as they rushed my father to an emergency room, even the way I was screaming as I was being held back by Brendon and Spencer.

Everything seemed to pick back up to normal tempo as soon as I heard the most painful words escape the doctor's lips. "I-I'm calling it," he choked out, breathless and upset. "Time of death: 10:38 PM, October 29th, 1994." He turned toward all of us, only slightly less waded in tears than the rest of us. "I'm so sorry," he whispered solemnly before walking away from the room to give us some privacy.

I couldn't move; whether I just didn't want to move or I was physically incapable of moving, the matter still held that I couldn't move. I fell to my knees, my palms flattening on the floor as I watched my mother timidly walk over to the table that held what was left of my father. I watched as she covered her mouth, letting out a few soft sobs before fully collapsing on top of him, letting out the loudest sounds of despair I had ever heard. I watched as Brendon slowly walked his way over to her and gently hugged her from behind, sobbing with her.

I flinched and nearly jumped away when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, only to soften when I realized it was Spencer. I couldn't hold anything back anymore as I began wailing as loud as humanly possible, my entire body wracking with my own sobs and being shaken by Spencer's as well. At this point, I was planning on shouting myself hoarse.

I didn't feel like talking, anyway.

*     *~~~*     *

The funeral was just as bad. Things seemed to go in slow motion all day, from getting out of bed, going to the church, going to the cemetery, watching them lower my father into the ground, even as I watched my mother give the beautiful eulogy my father deserved.

After everything was said and done, I couldn't even bear to stay there any longer. I climbed in the ca and started the engine, peeling away from the cemetery drive before anyone could stop me or protest. I didn't have a single idea to where I was going, where I wanted to go, why I was going so far away, or what I was even doing. All I know is that I drove for a few hours until I reached some sort of lake and parked the car by the rocks that lined the shore.

I killed the engine to the car and climbed out, walking over to one of the large rocks and sitting down with my knees to my chest. I don't think I was sitting there long before I heard a car pull up to the rocks. I didn't turn around, but I did flinch when the person sat next to me, very close.

"I trailed you over here," Brendon said in a low whisper. "Your mom saw you get in the car and she tossed me her keys. Told me to follow you."

I nodded, picking up a flat stone in my hand and skipping it across the water. Brendon didn't speak as he watched me skip rocks until there were no more around where we were seated. After a few moments of silence, I cleared my throat, causing Brendon to turn to me. "H-He's really g-gone," I voiced for the first time in about a week.

Brendon's eyes filled with tears as he just nodded at me. I nodded back at him, not turning to face him as I kept my eyes out over the water. I felt the tears slip down my cheeks effortlessly, my emotions finally catching up with what I knew as I, once again, broke down into horrendous sobs.

Brendon reached over and pulled my body into his so I was halfway on his lap as he held me and rubbed my back softly. I cried into his suit jacket, feeling my chest constrict harshly with each sob I let out. He didn't try to console me or give me words of encouragement because he knew that they'd be worthless right now.

We stayed there for a few hours before I had calmed down enough to get back in the car and drive. Brendon trailed me in my mother's car once again for the entire three hour drive back to Summerlin. Once we reached my house, I climbed the staircase slowly while Brendon used the phone in the kitchen to call my aunt Lisa's and let my mom know that he brought me home safe and sound.

I was already undressed and in bed before Brendon got upstairs, tears slipping silently from my eyes as I hugged the duvet to my face. I heard him let out a pained sigh before I heard clothes ruffling and then felt the bed dip as he crawled in bed behind me. He wrapped his arms around my torso from behind, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I let my hands lay over his while he pulled me closer to him.

I don't remember when it turned three in the morning, nor do I remember Brendon getting out of bed to use the bathroom because he wasn't going to go to sleep while I was still awake. I barely remember him getting back to bed, but I felt his arms wrap around me again as he pressed soft feather-light kisses to my shoulder blades and the back of my neck. I let more silent tears slip from my eyes before I completely let them close and let my mind fall into a deep state of sleep to the rhythm of Brendon humming The Beatles in my ear as he rubbed my chest and kissed my skin.

I've never felt this broken and this loved all at the same time.

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