63. Sick With Guilt

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As if the guilt I felt when I woke wasn't bad enough, the hangover that kept me hugging the toilet bowl until lunch time was a definite sign that I'd drunk way too much.

On the bright side, huh as if there was one, I'd had a lot of time to think.

I could remember most of our conversation, Megan's defensiveness towards Jay and my bitter words.

I was so confused. Even the words I spoke last night confused me.

Did I really believe that Jay hadn't slept with Sam? Yes.

Did I blame him for believing he had? Yes.

Was that fair? I have no fucking idea.

But it was how I felt. Bitter, disappointed, upset, scared...the list was endless, but the one that hurt me most was 'lonely'. I missed him, everything about him.

I was lonely.

In one weekend my life had been turned upside down.  I was in a new city with no family and few friends.  I was dealing with another relationship break down and I felt completely alone.

I'm sure after last night, Megan wouldn't be too keen on another girls night. I groaned and reached for my phone, scrolling through my contacts to find Cam's number.

"Hi sweetheart, how's the head today?"  He teased and for the first time today I smiled.

"It's been a lot better, so has my stomach for that matter."

"If you were even close to being as messy as Megan, I don't doubt it."

"Aargh." I groaned.  "I need to call her Cam, I was horrible."  I admitted.

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say heart to heart's with a belly full of wine are not a good idea."  I said quietly.

"She knows you're hurting Mia, she'll understand."

"I hope you're right.  So, what did your night consist of?"

Cam seemed a bit evasive. 

"Not much Mia."

"You can tell me Cam.  I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

Cam sighed.  "I was with Jay."

"He's your friend Cam, your best friend. Of course you spend time with him, you don't have to try shield me from it."

"I know sweetheart, it's just a little awkward sometimes." He said honestly.

"I'm sorry Cam, I don't mean to make you feel that way." 

It was actually the first time I'd considered the position our nightly chats had put him in. 

I was slowly coming out of my selfish thoughts and realising the effect I was having on those around me.

"I'm in a better place now, we can cut our calls down if you want."  I offered, hoping he'd disagree.

"Mia, I'm here for as long as you need me.  I'll keep calling and if you feel like you don't want to talk and don't answer, that's okay.  I can tell you sound better than you did a few days ago."

"I am Cam."  I started hesitantly.  "But, I'm so lost without him, it's like I have no purpose anymore." 

I knew it sounded dramatic and I instantly thought of Leisa saying the same thing to me. 

For the second time this week, I wondered if she was right.

"Did Megan tell you?" He asked hesitantly and I knew what he was alluding to.

"Yeah." I sighed. "Well, she told me he didn't...you know. I think I believe her, hell I think I already knew, but the fact remains he put himself in a compromising position with that bitch."

"Shit Mia."

I wasn't sure if he was angry at me or the situation.

"She's been the same for years, sweetheart. She's fucking toxic to anyone she touches. I'm going to tell you straight Mia, Jay did not fucking touch her.  I know him as well as I know myself, if he says he didn't do it; I believe him."

He waited for his words to sink in before he spoke again.

"The question is; do you believe him?"

"Yes." I whispered.

"So what's the problem here little lady? Why are you both hurting? Why haven't you spoken to him?"

I could hear the exasperation in his voice even though he tried to hide it.

"Whether it happened or not, he broke my trust." I whispered, my stomach churning as I remembered his words that night in the car.

"So, you're going to punish him for something he didn't do?  I'm sorry Mia, but that's fucked up."

My stomach heaved and I ran for the bathroom, hugging the bowl for the next hour.

I sent Cam a quick text to let him know I was okay, albeit still hungover and spent the rest of the afternoon laying on the couch watching trashy movies.

I needed to decide what I was doing.  Going back to Jay, going back to Melbourne, or making a new life here.

One thing was for sure, I couldn't afford to stay in this hotel forever.  So, I hopped online and scanned rentals, narrowing it down to three that I would call tomorrow.

I had a 12 month contract at work and then I could be transferred back to Melbourne.  I'd just think of it as a holiday.

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