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61. Lost

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Jay

Empty.  Numb.  Sick.

That's how I felt as I watched the cab drive her away.  Away from me.  The person she had given her heart to; her trust. 

The same person who had destroyed her.

I don't know how long I sat there, the beer in my hand remained untouched, the label long ago removed.

She wouldn't answer my calls and they eventually went straight to her message bank when she turned her phone off. 

That was the moment I felt despair wrap around me so tight it was smothering me.

My heart fluttered with hope when there was a knock at the door and as I flung it open, I was met with Cam's smiling face.

"Where is she?"  He asked, his bright eyes searching the room behind me, before he looked back. 

His face changed instantly when he took note of my expression.

"She's gone."

He studied me silently, his face changing from concerned to angry at the realisation that I had somehow fucked up.

"What did you do?" Each word was said through clenched teeth.

"Sam." It was all he needed to hear before his fist met my face.

"You stupid fuck!" He shouted, his face red with anger.

I hung my head and waited for Cam to reign in his emotions.

The hit hurt, but not as much as watching the woman I love walk away from me.

Cam pushed past me, took a seat and opened a beer, drinking half of its contents before he looked back at me.

"Sit and talk. I swear to god Jay, you'd better have a fucking good reason for destroying the best thing that's ever happened to you."

I grabbed another beer, again picking at the label as I tried to make sense of it myself.

"I don't know." I said quietly.

"What do you mean 'you don't know'?"

Cam's raised voice was getting irritating. I wondered for a moment why a silly thought like that went through my mind, when I obviously had more important things to worry about.

I sipped my drink, Cam's eyes boring into me.

"I don't know. I don't know what happened." I said truthfully.

"You're gonna have to dumb it down for me mate. What the fuck happened?"

"She was climbing out of my bed when I woke up. She was naked, I was naked."

I took a deep breath as I watched Cam's jaw clench.

"What else?"

"She thanked me for a fun night."

I stood and walked around the room.

"I don't know what happened Cam. I honestly don't think I would have cheated on Mia, but..."

I shook my head, trying to unscramble my thoughts.

It didn't feel right, none of it felt right, but the image of her climbing out of my bed was real.  Her smile as she thanked me, was real.  Mia leaving was real.

"Did you fuck her?"  Cam asked quietly.

"I don't think so.  But..."

"What does your gut say Jay?  Did you fuck her?"  Cam interrupted.

"No."  My voice was strong and sure this time and Cam released a relieved breath.

"Did you tell Mia that?"

"No.  I didn't know." 

"But you're sure now?"  Cam anxiously waited for my response.

"I'm sure."

"Fuck!" 

Cam ran his hand over his face before reaching for another beer.

"Where did she go?"

"I have no idea, I've called a million times but she's turned her phone off."

"I'll try Megan."

Cam had his phone to his ear before I could stop him and I sat silently as he spoke with Megan, before handing the phone to me.

"Yes or no Jay. Did you fuck her? Because if you did, you're on your own."

Her voice was tense and strained.

"No."

"Okay, then I'll help. I'll let you know when I get hold of her."

****

By Tuesday night my anger towards Sam had been redirected to Mia.

How could she think I'd do that to her? Didn't she have any trust in me?

When I voiced these thoughts to Megan, she tore me to shreds.

"I can't believe you just said that! You put those doubts in her head when you all but told her you'd fucked another woman. This is not her fault Jay, she's the fucking innocent one here."

She took a few calming breaths as I did the same.

"Pull your head out of your ass and quit the fucking pity party Jay. Focus your thoughts on how we're going to find her, it's been 2 days Jay and she still hasn't turned her phone on."

Megan's concern was obvious now.

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed.

"I've tried Megan. I've rang all the hotels in the area, but she's not listed as a guest anywhere. I've called her at work, but she hasn't been there either."

"I know, Cam and I have done the same. She's hurting Jay, she probably needs some time to lick her wounds."

"I can't lose her Megan." I said quietly, the fear in my voice was obvious.

"She loves you Jay, but you've completely shattered her trust. If I was you I'd be looking for a way to prove it didn't happen."

"You think I've already lost her don't you Megan?"  I asked quietly.

"I think it's a possibility Jay."  She answered, her words destroying the small amount of hope I had left.

****

"Jay, she rang me."  Megan's voice was full of relief.

"What did she say?  Where is she?  Is she okay?" 

The questions kept firing.

"She wasn't on the phone for long and she wouldn't tell me where she's staying but she said she's okay."  Megan blurted.

"Did she....did she say...?"  I couldn't finish the sentence.

"I'm sorry Jay, she didn't ask.  At least we know she's okay, just give her some time."

I received a similar call from Cam soon after.

Glancing at my silent phone, I wondered if Megan was right.

Have I already lost her?

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