Interfaces

Indestructible Blocks of Cheese

PLEASE FOLLOW THE RECENTLY RED, BUT NOW YELLOW, TRACK LIGHTS. 

What happened next really irritated me: I turned one corner, went down a hallway about three steps, found a door, and opened it to find a standard sized kitchen. It was done up in all silver pots, pans, and shelves, and white tiling covering the floor- very sterile, which was actually promising. On a nearby counter there was a block of cheese sitting on top of a cutting board with a sharpened knife laid ceremoniously next to it. 

I had no idea if the cheese was the only food in the entire room, but I wasn't taking my chances and I attacked the block of cheese with the knife brutally. 

After several minutes of sawing away at the brick of cheese, I calmly put aside the knife. "You win this round cheese." 

ACTUALLY THAT IS RECTANGLE CHEESE. 

I glared at nothing in particular, my mouth pinching in disapproval. 

HA HA YOU CUT THE CHeeSE. 

"Did you seriously lead me all the way around this place to make THAT pun?!" 

YES. 

"Well good job," I scowled. 

In a fit of rage I took the cheese block in hand and aimed it at the ground. It's hard to mess up throwing something at the ground, yet I managed to screw it up. The cheese bounced off the floor and gently flew up to the ceiling where it stayed while the intercoms cackled annoyingly with laughter. 

"Can it!"

NO, YOU DON'T CAN CHEESE. 

"You smart mouthed little piece of-"

BLEEP. 

Caught off guard, I couldn't do much more than gape stupidly at a speaker. "Bleep?" I imitated in hopes of an explanation. None was of course forthcoming. 

PLEASE MOVE ON. FOLLOW THE GREEN TRACK LIGHTS TO THE LARGER THAN BIG ROOM. 

Outside the kitchen door, the yellow lights turned green and shot away from the door like lightning bugs. Stumbling after them I managed to grab a hunk of cheese that floated away from the rest of the block- maybe the cheese was a sentient being and this little guy wanted no part with it's original host. I bit into it's delicious hide and found it was easier to chew despite it's unwillingness to be parted with serrated knife. 

Though I had made a turn to get into the kitchen, all I did was go straight upon exiting, other corridors seemed to have disappeared like they hadn't been there to begin with. With such a straight forward path it didn't take long to get to the "Larger then Big Room." 

WELCOME USER. 

"Oh not this again," I mumbled through a mouth full of cheese. 

DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL, 01001100 01100001 01110111 01110010 01100101 01101110 01100011 01100101. 

I simultaneously felt like someone had just used my full name against me and like it took way too long to repeat the binary code, so I disregarded the repeat of simple etiquette entirely wandering deeper into the adequately named room. 

GREEtiNgs.

The voice was no longer being broadcast over the speakers, instead focused at some point in the room behind me. I spun around and came face to face with a new hologram- green in color and also unlike the blue hologram, it's wire frame body was smaller and male in feature. How cute. These holograms were customized. 

"Hi," I managed in my surprise. 

INTERFACE ROOM. 

"Seriously?" I gave the new hologram a lame face, getting the trademark hollow eyes and taut lip response from the hologram. 

PLEASE SELECT AN ACTION.

This hologram wasn't nearly as lively as the last one. And that was saying something. 

A green menu slid in from my periphery with a list of choices: ballroom, neurotoxin, safari hunt, other assorted poisonous gases, slaughterhouse, and message. 

"Is there a "run like hell" option I can choose?" 

PLEASE SELECT AN ACTION. YOU CAN ALSO SET THE ACTION ON ROULETTE. 

"Why is that much less appealing?" I looked back towards the door that was no longer door. "Oh, come on."

PLEASE SELECT AN ACTION. 

"Interface door?" I said pathetically at the green hologram. 

GREETINGS USER!

I could have sworn I heard the almost bubbly voice pattern of the blue hologram. 

SCANNING USER...

Behind me was the female blue hologram in all it's irritating glory, I tackled the space it occupied and found myself greeting the floor once more. 

STILL RUNNING INTO THINGS, I DETECT. 

I rolled on my back and gave the hologram a sour smile. 

PLEASE SELECT AN ACTION. 

"I don't want to play with you!" I screamed at the still present green hologram. 

OVERRIDING INTERFACE ROOM...

The green hologram fizzled out in a run of binary code. 

SCANNING COMPLETE! USER NUMB-

"Yeah, yeah, just went over that with your intercom buddy. How about we just shorten it to Enas?" Dusting myself off, I gave the room a wide sweeping look discovering most of it was dark and I couldn't see the walls any longer. 

PROCESSING USER NAME CHANGE... 

A loading spiral popped up above the hologram. 

PROCESSING REQUEST... REQUESTED: ENAS. ENAS THE GREEK WORD FOR THE NUMBER ONE IN THE MASCULINE FORM. 

I stopped paying attention and started shuffling my feet on the dusty concrete floor. 

REQUEST GRANTED! GREETING USER ENAS! 

"Greeting!" I waved enthusiastically. 

A familiar blue menu screen rolled out before my eyes with the options: open, close, ajar, kick, message, and air vent. For fun, I clicked air vent. 

YOU HAVE SELECTED AIR VENT. THANK YOU FOR USING INTERFACE DOOR! PLEASE REMAIN STILL WHILE THE AIR VENT DESCENDS. 

"What? Descends?" I looked up into blackness, the dust around me starting to pull upwards, and then I was gone in a little VIP! Tumbling through numerous aluminum tubing in a blast of choking air.