Since When

Chapter Twenty One

I sat at the table with my sketchbook and my ear buds in, playing Hold Back the River by James Bay.
"Tried to square... not being there. But said that I... should've been." I sang quietly. I slid my pencil across my paper, making sketches.
"Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes." I whispered. I added some more sketches. The voices harmonized as I shaded along the outline of my picture.
"Let us hold each other!" I sang. I started drawing furiously. My hand was flying across the page, making little details. Making shapes.
"Won't you let us wander? Let us hold each other? Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander, let us hold each other...?" By the time the song ended, I had finished my picture. I pulled away from my paper and examined it. A rose. A single rose, on a long stem. Thorns lined the stem, shaded and defined. The bud of the flower was starting to bloom. The picture was gray, with a black outline. I sighed and smudged the side, just a little bit. Smearing it, giving it that shadowy feel. Like the rose had a shadow. I ripped the paper out of my sketchbook and went upstairs. When I got in my room, I set my picture on my desk. I looked in my mirror. A girl with dark red hair and greenish brown eyes stared back at me. Her eyes were too wide for her face. Her hair was thick and the curls hung loosely around her face. Her cheeks were tinged pink. The girl looked back at me. I sighed and looked at the pictures around the mirror. I fixed my gaze on a picture of me and Ashley. We were in seventh grade. There was a dance. We had our arms around each other and were smiling at the camera. Our faces were smoothed together and we had our arms thrown out to the side. The one beside it was a picture of Ash and Cody. I was asleep on the bed in the background. Ash had a can of whipped cream, and Cody had a lot of feathers. They held their hands out, showing off their loot. I smiled and touched the picture, remembering waking up covered in whipped cream and feathers. I looked at one across from it. Ah, freshman year. Ashley and I were wearing matching shorts with pants. The shirts read, 'Yeah. Call me crazy. But she's crazier.' I chuckled. Cody was standing next to us wearing jeans and a button up shirt. His hair was longer then and fell into his eyes. I sighed and sat at my desk. Charlie chirped and flew over. I smiled and scratched his head.
"Hey, pretty boy." I said. He closed his eyes and rubbed against my hand. I looked at the rose I had drawn and traced it. It reminded me of Cody. He was the bud of our friendship. The life source. He took a long time to get angry. Sure, he was sweet, but he also had his moments where no one wanted to be with him. I smirked and remembered the time he first got mad at me. We were seven.

He was making a sandcastle in the sandbox. I accidentally tripped over a stick and fell in his sandcastle. He gasped and stood up.
"RAKE!" He exclaimed. I stood up.
"I'm sorry, Cody. I didnt mean to." I mumbled. He put his hands on his hips.
"Why would you do this? You RUINED my army castle!" He cried.

I smiled. Army castle. There was a knock at my door. I turned around.
"Hey, dad." I said. Dad stood by my bed and crossed his arms.
"Hey, Rachel. Can we talk?" He asked. I nodded and swiveled in my chair, turning to face him.
"What's up?" I asked him. He sat on my bed and put his hands on his knees.
"Your mom went to her friends house." He said. I nodded and stood up. I grabbed Charlie and put him in his cage.
"Is... did I do something?" Dad asked me. I had my back turned to him. Charlie flew into his cage and sat in his bed. I closed the cage door and latched it.
"Because... it seems like I did. You have been ignoring me. And every time I ask if you're ok... you use Emma against me." He said, running a hand through his receding hair. I was surprised.
"I use Emma against you!? Really?" I asked. He looked at me.
"What did I say? Or do?" He pleaded. I sighed and rubbed my temples.
"Nothing. It's not a big deal anyway. I was just PMSing." I said. He scoffed.
"Whatever. What did I say?" He asked. I groaned and ran my hands through my hair.
"You told me not to go Emma on you. Right. As if I was going to go batshit crazy and try to kill myself. Cody did that, Emma tried that." I snapped. His eyes were sad.
"I didn't mean it that way, Rachel. I was just... I didn't want for you what Emma did." He said. I threw my arm out.
"Exactly! Just the fact you thought I would go crazy and suicidal is what bothered me!" I exclaimed. The tension in the room was high. He looked at me. I sighed and let my arm down.
"I'm going." I said. I grabbed my coat and keys.
"Where?" Dad asked.
"I don't know. Just somewhere." I said. He said nothing. I felt a little guilty for lashing out at him like that, but I honestly didn't care. I shrugged my coat on and went to the park.

I sat at me and Zeke's bench and looked around. Snow was melting. Birds were out chirping. I groaned and rest my elbows on my knees, resting my head in my hands. What was happening? Four months ago, I was happy. Two best friends. Good grades. Music. Nothing to worry about. Now, it seems everything I say or do is just an act of the devil. Rebecca and Jennifer never bothered me before any of this. God. Then, I just sat there. Pitying myself. I stood up, disgusted. Talk about emotional mood swings. I got in my car and drove to Zeke's house. I knocked on the door, not caring if his dad answered. Fortunately, Zeke answered. He was wearing shorts with a T-shirt that said, 'Food? Girls? Money? All of the above.' He looked like he just woke up.
"Ray? What's wrong?" He asked. I shook my head.
"My dad..." I trailed off. He grabbed my arm and pulled me inside.
"Too cold for you outside. What happened?" He asked. I took my coat off and sat on the couch. His dad was nowhere in sight. Zeke sat beside me as I told him everything. He nodded.
"Well... it'll be ok. Things will blow over. I promise." He said. I nodded. He cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss. I put my hands on his neck and pulled him closer. We kissed for what seemed like hours. I was tired from lack of sleep, and being stressed. I went upstairs with Zeke following me. He opened a door, which I presumed went to his room. There, the bed was untidy, there were clothes on the floor. Football posters lined the walls. I groaned and plopped down on the bed. Zeke chuckled and sat beside me. I grabbed the pillow and breathed in his smell. Soon, I was drifting off to sleep.

Ok. Well. I'm going to bed. I'm really tired, and that's probably why this chapter sucks. xD