Beside the Undying Fire

Chapter 24

Another few days passed.
And with every passing night my heart ached, the starlight was not bright enough to make it glisten again.
No, the only thing that could do that was Thorin. His smile.
But I had not seen it in weeks.
I'm not saying I deserved it, I surely did not, but I missed it dearly.
It was my own stupidity. And I would have to live with the choice I made. I did not feel regret.
Just anguish, knowing that this decision had changed everything.
But also, I felt happy. My decision had changed everything.
My decision may have saved lives. It could have even perhaps spared Thorin's.
I gave a pained smile at that thought as a tear ran down my face.

I shot up that morning, the same dream haunting me as I slept.
I desired nothing more than for the nightmare to stop.

I got up and splashed my face with more water, hoping to clear my mind of the agonizing terror.
It proved ineffective.
I did not know why it haunted me years after. It was merely a scar. The past can do astonishing things to you. Take your mind and slowly squeeze every bit of sanity out.
The same for love.
It grabs ahold of your heart. That's what love is, giving someone your heart and trusting them not to break it. It will get inside you. Making you vulnerable to them, making your heart vulnerable. It's a spark of glistening blaze of light in your heart like flames.

Crackling fires and sparkling worlds
A saunter in the forest forgetting the time
The forest's sight, the beauty filled power
The starlight's clustering dancing dreams
Cannot outweigh a love filled heart
And sparkling stars or glistening grass
Pale as love flashes with the beauty of light
For earth and fire and wind and sky
Shine as love will melt your heart

My mother used to tell me tales of love, I was far to young to comprehend them. Yet, this poem stuck with me. The meaning of it slipped through my grasp until I'd come upon Thorin. Suddenly all the poems, the love stories, the tales made sense.

I dressed in my dark green shirt and jacket, my brown pants and boots, just as I always did.
I walked back to my bedroom, forgetting to put my necklace on. I'd left it on the chest at the foot of my bed.
I looked at the chest.
The necklace was not there. I searched vigorously all around.
On my dresser.
On the floor.
In the bed.
I began to shake. After all of this, I could not bear to loose the necklace.
I walked beside my bed again, nearing the chest.
My eyes shot down. I kneeled to see if it was underneath the bed.
There it was.
There was also a piece of paper, an old piece almost lodged under the chest.
I grabbed the necklace and pulled the paper from under the chest. I placed the necklace in my hand as I held the piece of paper.
The map was dusty and brittle. I blew on it slightly.
It revealed a map, a map of Erebor nonetheless. There was an X at the North-Western portion of the mountain.

"What's this?" I thought. "Why would something such as this be here?"

I brushed off the last bit of dirt on the bottom right corner.
There was a picture of a key. The same key that I'd worn for so many years.

I couldn't do anything but stare at the map and key in my hands.
I shook my head, perhaps I was wandering crazy town and was over thinking it. But it was still that same key, the same X in the same place on the mountain.

For so long, I'd worn the key to the Lonely Mountain.
My mother gave me the key to Erebor. I was clueless as to what it was before now. I was not even positive she knew what it was capable of.
"That's it." I mumbled. "I've had quite enough."
I threw the map onto the floor and shoved the key into my pocket.

I immediately headed out of Erebor.
I barely realized what was going on around me. Shock took over. I stomped out towards the spot my mother used to take me. My anger just took over.
I caught a glimpse of Thorin near the Gallery of the Kings but immediately turned.
Surely, others attempted to greet me, but I took less than any notice in it.

To my surprise, it was nearly. I slept longer than I thought perhaps. It was quite warm.

The entire walk was a blur.
I somehow found myself at the spot where I'd left the bead. Drawn to pick it up.
I realized it was not my love.
But I would pick it up. Not for my sake. But for Thorin's.

I looked down upon the bead. It had a bit of dirt on it.
I kneeled down to pick it up. I placed it in the palm of my hand and grasped it.

I headed to the spot on the hill. I needed to get away. I was still quite furious, and I was not even positive why.
I did not deserve the key in the least bit.

I reached the hill.
The beauty in the scenery would not take my mind off of it. Not the trees, clusters of starlight, lighting up the otherwise dark sky, not the mountains in the distance.
Until I snapped.

"I don't believe this!" I grabbed the key from my pocket and held it by the chain. "All these years I've held the key to Erebor!" I yelled.

I began pacing. I was not pleased. I was not worthy of such a tool. It was out of my power. I did not in any way or world deserve to be in its presence.
"I was never told of its capabilities!" I shouted. "I do not deserve this! It is not mine to keep! A scullery maid shall not be worthy of this! I never asked for it, so why was the burden placed upon my shoulders!"

I must have sounded as if I had lost my sanity. Yelling upon a hill over-looking forests to the North.
I dropped onto the broken tree, looking at the key. Maybe, after all this, I could bear to lose the necklace.
I shook my head.
I heard footsteps come from the trail leading up to this spot. I recognized them.
Thorin.
There was no other way off of the hill, he would surely spot me if I were to sneak through the trees on either side of the trail.
So I had not a choice. I shoved the key back into my pocket. I held my breath as I closed my eyes, hoping that it would be someone else.

I heard his steps not a few feet away, then he stopped.

"What are you doing up here if I may ask?"

I opened my eyes but remained silent, looking off into the light, star-filled sky. The cluster of stars was breathtaking.
I stood up, keeping my stare at the sky. The sky always fascinated me, the bundles of stars across it, and the light of the moon giving a beautiful blue hue.

"I'm sorry I put you in that position. Please accept my apology for my misdeed." I didn't take my stare off of the distance.

I could see his hands were behind his back. He gave a slight nod. "You do understand my reaction."

"I do." I nodded. "I made a foolish choice. Even if that choice was for the greater good, it was not mine to make."

"But I do want you to have this back." I pulled the bead from my pocket. I put the hand without the bead out, gesturing for him to give me his hand.
He gave me his hand.
I held the bottom of his hand as I placed the bead in it. I closed his hand and slowly let go.

"My sincerest apologies again I betrayed your trust beyond acceptability. I do hope you may forgive me, but I would fully understand if you did not." I gave a pained smile as I tried to walk past him.

"Where are off to?" He turned.

"I'm sure you don't want to be in my presence yet." I nodded as I began to walk again.

"I accept your apologies, Madeira." He stated. "But please, do not stress."
He walked over to get a better look at the vista.

"Come, I will not bite." He assured.

I walked over beside him. "May I ask why you went to that battle?" He asked.

"I was simply trying to ensure the safety of my kin." I gazed into the distance.

"Your side." He gestured to my side.

"What of it." I didn't take my stare off of the distance. I knew he wished to know what happened. But I did not feel comfortable saying so, Azog was his enemy. And Throin must have been under enough stress.

"I do not believe I should say." I said.

"I understand the pain of battle. But I do wish you would tell me. But, if you choose otherwise, I would understand." He stated.

"I don't think it would be a good thing to hear, especially for you." I said, still gazing at the vista.

"It was The Defiler." I almost choked it out. "Implanting his mace upon my side, throwing me off of a 7 foot rock seemed to amuse him." I didn't look at Thorin directly, but I could see his facial expression change rapidly. He was angered.
"I knew what I'd gotten myself into, I was prepared for battle. But not for an unending battle for years following it. I did make a foolish mistake. But I do not regret it. Nor will I ever regret it in this lifetime. For I did in the right reasoning."

"And what reasoning is this." He crossed his arms and continued to stare at the distance.

"This horrid, painful thing." I looked up at the sky. "I was enchanted by one, one who's safety meant millions of worlds to me. For years I would not allow myself to admit it. The flame in my heart burned bright with his every sight. A spark of ignition dancing. As beautiful as this starlight the world offers, yet painful as the burning coals of dead fire upon your skin. The light of the night, the distance of time, the gleaming moon, the glistening sun, none matched up, none overpowered what I'd felt for them for so long.
I do not regret going, for it did ensure their safety. My side could easily have been theirs. But it was not."

I kept my stare at the sky. "It was all for you. I love you."