December 2016 (Part 1)

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The week after Thanksgiving was rough. Waking up Saturday and wandering into the bathroom, only to be startled by my own reflection in the mirror wasn't much fun. Neither was getting frustrated when I couldn't get the scarf I wanted to wear to stay on my head, though Karlie helped me solve that one so I could go out to treatment on Monday. My counts were down, so they told me I needed to wear a surgical mask anytime I was coming to or leaving the hospital since I would share spaces with people who had contagious illnesses, and that I should do the same if I was going anyplace with an unusually large crowd or going to any other kind of medical facility, or if I knew or suspected someone near me had a cold or whatever. Because the scarf over my bald head didn't scream 'sick' loudly enough.

They used a different dressing after they accessed my port, and in the middle of radiation, I developed unbearable itching where it was. Apparently, I'm allergic to that kind, and by the time they got it off, I'd gotten hives all over. So before they could even start my pre-meds, they had to try to treat that and stop the reaction. With my counts low, they were kind of surprised I had enough of an immune system to mount that strong of an allergic reaction, but they said that was kind of a good sign, ironically. In addition to the regular meds, I had to add a course of steroids, which made my face all puffy again, like after surgery, and also made my feet and legs ache, no matter how many bananas I shoved into my stomach. So I was also taking pain meds to counteract that. The one bright spot was that the new med they'd added mid-infusion the previous week seemed to help with the nausea and vomiting, when used as part of my pre-med regimen. Two bouts of vomiting, but not too awful, and I felt less nauseous than I had since starting treatment. The anti-diarrhea meds were helping there too, since they'd upped my dose from the previous week. I guess that was the concession from the universe for the fact that three days after chemo I was still mildly itchy and covered in raised red blotches. Still, I was frustrated going into December. Which is why, on December first, Karlie decided we should get out the Christmas decorations so the house would at least look good when Mom came to stay with me so she could go to the Adidas event in Germany.

She plopped a santa hat on my head that morning as soon as we were both up, and announced that it was officially December and that meant we were overdue to decorate. She knows Christmas is my favorite holiday, especially with my birthday so close, and I love that she took the lead decorating this year. Usually I'm the one telling everyone they have to help me, but she totally took control. She even made me santa pancakes with strawberry hats and whipped cream beards to get me in the spirit, which was adorably Karlie. I took a picture of them to post on my insta, a reminder that although I wasn't up to a video right then, I was alright, and there were good things happening in my life. I wasn't cheerful enough yet after breakfast, so Karlie put on a pair of reindeer antlers, presented me with the can of whipped cream, knowing I have a weakness for dispensing it right into my mouth, and then proceeded to serenade me with a horribly off-key rendition of Santa Baby until it made me laugh.

The good mood even carried into radiation, probably the first time I've gone into it with a truly positive attitude. The team was the same one who had been working when I discovered my allergy to the port access dressing, so they'd seen me in a pretty bad place, freaking out about the itching and afraid it was some kind of reaction to my meds or something, and worrying about what might happen if it was. They said they were really pleased to see me so happy, dancing around with my wife while we waited our turn, both wearing goofy hats and promising to bring treats the next day. They even played festive music for me while I was on the table, just to help keep me in a good mood. I hadn't realized just how bad my attitude had been until I saw the change reflected back at me from the radiation team. Where before they'd been kind of quiet and business like, now they tried joking around with me and Karlie a little, even showing that they're familiar with tumblr, pulling out "I like your socks" and pointing out something I hadn't even noticed – that Kar's socks had little giraffes wearing santa hats and scarves all over them. It was an important reminder that although going to treatment sucked, I did have some control over how I felt about it, and I wasn't doing as good a job as I thought choosing to be happy and not letting it get me down.

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