48. Insecurities

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"There's a vacancy coming up in 6 weeks, it's only to cover maternity leave but it's a start. What do you think?"

Even I could hear the anxiousness in my voice as Jay and I had our nightly face time session.

"What do I think?" He repeated, his hand stroking the light stubble on his cheek that I wished I could rub my own fingers over.

His mouth broke into a smirk and when I met his eyes, they were bright with amusement.

"See something you want Mia?" He teased and although we'd been together for months, he still made me blush.

"I do." I answered, my voice coming out breathy.

"You seem a bit anxious baby, let's see if we can relax you." I nodded and waited for him to continue.

"Go put on your white baby doll for me. I'll wait right here."

He groaned as I stepped back into view and turned so he could see me from every angle.

"God Mia, you never fail to get my dick hard. Sit on the bed babe, pull those pretty panties down to your knees and spread those sexy legs."

"Good girl."  He rasped as I did what he wanted.

"Now Mia, run your finger over that slit that I so badly want to touch.  Tell me when you want more."

Within minutes I was asking him to give me more.  In the same room or not, his fingers or mine, we both knew who controlled my pleasure.

"Keep your fingers stroking, tell me what's got you so uptight and I'll let you finish yourself off." He said as he watched my fingers.

"What do you mean? There's nothing."

"Don't lie to me Mia. What's the problem?"

"Jay, it's nothing."

"Stop stroking and look me in the eyes Mia." I did as he said, my breathing laboured. "Tell me the truth. Now!"

I swallowed deeply and closed my eyes briefly as I fought my fears.

"Are you sure Jay? I'm scared that a 12 month commitment doesn't give me security in case...in case...." I couldn't finish my thoughts but I did see the hurt flash through Jays eyes.

"In case what Mia? In case all the times I've told you I love you were a lie? In case the fucking promise I made to you was a lie? In case every time I had my dick buried in you was a fucking lie? Every time I brought you to orgasm and your sweet cunt squeezed out my own...you fucking doubt that? Are you fucking serious right now?"

I couldn't fight my tears as I realised the full extent of how much I'd hurt him. He'd been nothing but open and honest with me and although I'd just done the same, I had completely destroyed any trust that he had in me.

I doubted him, if even for an instant, I had doubted him and I felt like I had thrown him right back to the darkness that Tracey had left him in years before.

"Jay, I....let me..." I was speechless as my head ticked over the damage that a few words had caused.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and looked up in time to see him disconnect our session.

I face timed him, I called him and I texted him, all to no avail. As I lay on my bed sobbing into my pillow, I replayed our conversation.

More than that, I replayed the last 5 months we'd been together, my heart splintering as I faced the reality that he never lied to me. He had never given me reason to doubt what he told me.

This issue was mine and I'd somehow managed to throw it back on him.

After only a few hours of sleep, I dragged myself into work and applied for the transfer. My boss was surprised to say the least, but when I explained my reasons he was supportive and said he would give me a strong recommendation.

The day dragged. My obsession with checking my phone certainly didn't help any, neither did the lack of contact from Jay. 

I was lost, I had no idea how to fix what I'd done but I knew I needed to try.

By the time I got home I had passed the guilty stage and was beyond angry. I had reached out time and again only to be ignored each time.

The last message I left was born purely from frustration. Did it make me feel better? Yes! Did I regret it? Absofuckinglutely!

Slipping Bridget Jones into my DVD player, I wondered how the fuck I had come full circle.

Sipping on my fourth glass of wine, my anger returned and I found myself staring at my iPad as I waited for him to answer. Again and again it went unanswered.

By my sixth glass I had moved through my anger and my teary stage, determination now foremost on my mind.

"It's me, obviously." I scoffed. "You want my honesty, but you fucking backed off when I gave it. Well let me tell you something Jay. I love you and I want you and you're not the only fucker that's ever been hurt. Remember me? Remember how my ex left me after 18 years? Remember that I replied to an ad in fucking desperation and stepped into your life?  In case you don't remember the rest, I'll fucking tell you. You scared me Jay.  The way you looked at me and treated me fucking scared me!  You were perfect, everything I could ever fantasise about but never have.  And why the fuck should I?  I'm so far out of your league...I was kidding myself.  But, just for once...just...."

I poured myself another wine before returning to my inner purging.  Whatever I said now didn't matter, the damage was surely already done.

"So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I appreciate the trip - no strings attached Jay, after all that's what you originally wanted.  I should have remembered that.  It's what I should have fucking remembered!"

I knew I was slurring, but I sipped my wine as I held my phone to my chest and thought of what else I should say in what was bound to be my final call to him.  Unless I got drunk again. I mused.

"So, anyway.  I'll miss your hands on my body and your hot cock pulsing inside me...."  Glass number nine coming right up.  "I'll miss the way you push my boundaries....I'll miss you."  I sobbed as I finally gave in to my emotions and crumpled to the floor.

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