"But I'm curious, what picture were you talking about?" She raised her eyebrows at me, and I wiped the remaining tears from my face. I stood up, getting my phone from my desk.

"Oh," was all I could bring out, after which I opened the twitter app to see Troye's reply to the picture. Since he had tweeted that, my phone had been blowing up. Not as much as his, I supposed, but still a lot. Which is why I had everyone except for a few people muted now.

"Here, just ignore all the notifications," I said as I handed my phone over to Nicola. Her eyes went wide, and it took a couple seconds for her to actually scroll down and look at the tweet.

"Aww, that's so cute. When was that?"

"The day mom picked me and Tro up and he stayed for dinner. When you basically freaked out when you heard he has a youtube channel," I chuckled.

"Oh. But Connor, come on. The guy is verified on twitter. What did you expect me to do?" She asked, eyebrows raised in defence.

"Well eh-"

"Con. He has 1.5 million subscribers."

"Yeah, he's just a lost boy, Nic. Just like a lot of people. I- I would say he's normal but... he's amazing," I sighed, letting my mind drift off to the small boy. To his beautiful hair that, when not in a quiff, was curly. To his blue eyes that shone bright. To the little piece of hair that never seemed to cooperate when he tried restyling his hair.

I snapped out of my daze upon seeing my sister snap her fingers in front of me.

"Hellooo? Earth to Connor?" I flashed a grin at her, grabbing my phone back.

"Boy, you got it bad for him."

It was silent for a while after that. It was comfortable, really. The both of us simply enjoying each others company, while scrolling on our phones.

I felt slightly intimidated when I went on my twitter, feeling shaken up a bit whenever I saw a tweet directed at me and Troye.

But I also worried. If Nicola had heard the conversation this midday, had anyone else too? And if they had, were they okay with it? Would my parents hate me if I came out to them? Did Nicola mean what she said, or was it all fake and did she actually hate me now?

I had subconsciously grabbed my legs with both of my arms, hugging them close to me. Where I had felt completely comfortable a couple minutes ago, I now felt angsty. My mind not being able to stop thinking about what would happen if people knew I was gay. I let my phone drop down on the bed; resting my head on my knees.

"Nic?" I asked, my voice unsteady, somehow thick with tears.

"Yeah, Con?" Her eyes big like those of a deer, worry shining through.

"Are you sure you don't hate me be-because I'm gay?" I whimpered, closing my eyes tightly. I wanted her to accept me, not to put up a fake act for my sake.

"What? No!" She sat down next to me, holding up my chin with her hand, forcing me to look her right in her eyes.

"Connor Joel Franta, you're my brother. I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were struggling with all this. Nothing. And I repeat, nothing would change the fact that my love for you is unconditional. This doesn't change a thing. You're still the same Connor, you just happen to like boys."

I teared up at her little speech, crumbling under her loving words, her touch, once more. And I wanted to respond, to tell her that I loved her too. Tell thank her, for being there for me. But I couldn't. There was a lump in my throat about the size of a whale. So instead I just hugged her. I held her weakly, my arms somehow not capable of holding on tight.

"A-and you re-really won't tell anyone?" The lump in my throat had resulted into a couple tears and hiccups under Nicola's caring attitude.

"No, of course not," she placed a hand on the top of my head, stroking it softly, "you decide when and who you tell it. And what you tell them. I'm not taking a part in that other than acting as your support whenever you want. "


It was later on now, and I was lying in bed, too many thoughts drifting in my head. I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about Troye, thinking about the fact that he was my actual boyfriend, thinking about how Nicola now knew about me and him. But I also worried. I was sure Nicola wasn't going to tell anyone, but I was worried more people would find out before I was ready for them to know.

I didn't want people to know.

I wanted to tell my family, yes. But I had no idea how. I didn't even know if they'd react positively or if they'd kick me out. I didn't actually think that last one was going to happen, but somewhere I still worries they'd hate me if they knew I was gay; if they knew I had a boyfriend, for god's sake.

I didn't want people in school to know, though. I was genuinely scared or what their reaction might me. What if everyone would turn against me, because being gay isn't the norm? What if I would go from a moderately popular guy to being bullied?

I felt uncomfortable thinking about this. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to live my life, not having to come out but just be me. I didn't want to have to announce to the world I was gay. I hated that in today's society, it was something you had to announce because it wasn't the norm. I often wondered why gay people, for example, had to come out but straight people didn't.

And while thinking about this, while worrying about people finding out I was gay and had a boyfriend, while at the same time, not wanting to have to worry about people "finding out", I somehow managed to fall into a restless sleep.

HI. im sorry this chapter sucked a lot.

Things that happened since I last updated:

-3k!!!!!!! Shook af. Literally why do people even read this it's crappy and unoriginal and I'm not even good at writing smh

-CHRISTMAS. how was yours? Did you have fun?

-I had my track meet today (27th) okay no lying it's past 00.00 so in fact that was yesterday but shhh. I ran a PB on the 200, which was nice (27.75), but the 400... well eh that didn't go as well. It didn't go horrible but I started way too slow and stumbled in my first step. Oops. (60.85, PB indoors is 60.39, outdoors 59.70)

-idk if ur still reading this but...


Okay I'll leave now i hope u still kinda enjoyed this chapter

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Okay I'll leave now i hope u still kinda enjoyed this chapter. Bye ILY. TYSM FOR READING.

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