A/N: I absolutely LOVE funny pick-up lines, funny quotes, and such... These are just some of my favorites! I don't own any of them unless I say I do! Enjoy! (:
~Funny Pick-Up Lines~
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive!
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in!
If I had a garden, I'd put your two lips and my two lips together.
Let's commit the perfect crime; I steal your heart, and you steal mine.
I won't use a pick-up line, if you let me buy you a drink.
Do you have a band-aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you!
You're like an encyclopedia... You barf out random pieces of information. Can I rent you for the night? I need to do my homework. (; -@selcouthghost and me!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
~Amazing Terrible Pick-up Lines~
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [No!] That's okay, the other two pigs said no too!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Oh really? I'd put F and U together.
Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is pretty messed up.
You don't sweat much for a fat chick.
Who's your friend?
Are you from Jamaica? Because Jamaican me crazy! Are you from Yukon? Because Yukon go screw yourself.
I put the STD in stud, all I need is 'u.'
Hey baby, let's play carpenter! I get hammered and then I nail you... Sorry, you didn't bring enough wood.
I know milk does a body good, but damn! You probably never had any.
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." -Jim Carrey
"Go to Heaven for the climate, and Hell for the company." -Mark Twain
"Men are like bank accounts; without any money, they generate little interest." -Unknown
"A woman once said a man is like a deck of playing cards... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to bash his head with, and a spade to bury him." -Unknown
"Enjoy life! There's plenty of time to be dead later." -Unknown
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before." -Mae West
"We're the kind of people who laugh at a joke 3 times; once when it's being told, once when it's being explained, and again five minutes later when we actually get it." -Unknown
"I tend to laugh at my mistakes, so pardon me if I laugh in your face." -Unknown
"If you are talking shit behind my back, then you are in a better position to kiss my ass." -Unknown
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid rather than to open it and remove all doubt." -Mark Twain
~60 Things to Do in an Elevator~
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. One word: Flatulence! On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. Do Tai Chi exercises. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" Give religious tracts to each passenger. Meow occassionally. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" Play the harmonica. Shadow box. Say "Ding!" at each floor. Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Bring a chair along. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" Blow spit bubbles. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" Wait until someone gets it, and when the doors close, show them a sign with "Out of Order" and ask if you should have kept it on. Pretend to get your leg stuck as the door closes. Have sex with your imaginary friend. Perform a strip tease. Stop the lift and say, "Twenty years in prison for murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift two hours after I get out! Just my luck!" Insist the lift costs $2.50. Yodel. Ask others, "Do you mind if I do my Eminem impersonation?" then take out your chainsaw and mask. Release cockroaches. Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.
Hope you guys liked! I'm going to put up some of my favorite jokes and funny stories in the next one. Later~