The World Turned Upside Down {AU lams}

Chapter 14

*suicide, drug use, alcohol*
*john's pov again*

I had everything planned out.
My whole death was beautifully organised.
I had already written the suicide notes:
Dear Dad,
Just blame yourself
~Johnny
~~
Dear Hamilton,
I am sorry. You are the only person who has ever loved me, cared for me and I am sorry. I am scared that I will mess us up, I mess everything up. When you drop a glass of water you sigh and clean it up, when I drop one I sigh and scream at myself for messing up yet again.
When you can't sleep you do some writing, when I can't sleep I sit and review every single time I have messed up.
I have just had enough of it. I have had enough of my father. Of all the depression and pain.
Love you Hamilton
Goodbye xx
~~~
I wrote a few more but I am not going to show you them. I was going to take pills, I couldn't bare the thought of jumping off a bridge or hanging myself.
I was going to do it in my dorm. I had no 'special place'.
The world would be happier without me.
Without the worthless boy who no one even knew.
I grabbed the bottle of pills. I gave burr a little stroke without hurting him. I told him that Alex would care for him. I stared crying as I did. Was Hamilton dead yet? I wondered. Would he really miss me?
I took a big breath
I smiled
This was what I wanted
I wanted to die
Everything would be gone.
I would be at rest
I would be happy
At last.
I was not going to chicken out
This was my dream, it had to work.

I popped one pill in my mouth.
I started singing a song that my mum sang to me before she left us.
500
Twenty five thousand
600 minutes.
Another pill went in
500
Twenty five thousand
Moments so dear
Another pill sizzled in my stomach
500
Twenty five thousand
600 minutes
And another pill
How do you measure,
Measure a year?
Two more pills went in
I was starting to feel drowsy
I started seeing black dots
I stared at the ceiling
At its endless blankness
There was nothing to say about it
Just blank.
I felt my body lean towards the floor
I let myself go.
I had really done it
I had killed myself.
The last thing I heard was the door open and a very drunk
"John I was wondering if-- oh shit!" Then someone rushing to my side.
~~~~~~~
*hercules' pov*
Lafayette had invited me to one of his 'quiet parties'. I got there and was instantly taken aback by the smell of alcohol and drugs. Inside people were drinking and dancing and grinding together. The light was dark and smoke drifted trough the room. I grabbed Laf's arm and whispered "is this really a good idea?" He stared at me and Laughed
"Of course babe, relax mon ami! I will get you a drink, oui?" I didn't have time to answer, he was already at the bar. People were smoking  everywhere and twerking on the dance floor. Everyone was high as hell here.
After half and hour or so I was too.
I can't even remember how many drinks I had and someone gave me heroin.
I wasn't my quite sure if I was having fun or not, Laf  was though. He was as high as a kite and terribly drunk. He got into a dance battle with James Madison. It was the funniest thing ever. 
I was get get super sweaty so I stepped outside for a second. I decided to change out of my uncomfortable shirt that I wore to a job interview that morning so I told Laf and hopped into a cab.
John had the shirt I wanted to wear so I went to his dorm. I guess I was too drunk to have the decency to knock so I just stormed into the dorm.
"John I was wondering if-- oh shit!" John was spread out across the floor with a pill bottle in his hand. His eyes were closed and his usual golden face was pale.
I raced to his side and shook him violently but nothing happened.
The only other thing my drunk mind could think of doing was pouring water over him----so I did.
I could see his small body flinch a tiny bit as the water hit him which meant he wasn't completely dead yet. I lifted him up and placed him on his bed. I was panicking so bad that I fell over trying to look for his phone: I lost mine at the party.
Lafayette had done a course in first aid and stuff like that so I rang him. To no surprise he did not pick up.
I ran all the way back to the party and found him kissing some random guy. It did break my heart a small bit until I remembered just how high he was.
"Hey babe, you haven't changed shirts!" He shouted with slurred words as I pulled him out of the party.
"Shut up and run.....John's dying!" He spun his head at me and gasped
"What....Laurens?" I nodded and we both ran to his dorm.