KILLING ME SOFTLY - Teenage Assassin - Chapter 15

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After had I used a pressure point move to knock out Gabriel, I opened the door to the suite to see Jackson waiting for me. He looked at Gabriel laying on the floor and asked, "Do you want me to kill him for you?"

"Never!" I yelled at him. I pushed him down the hallway and took one last look at Gabriel before following him to the elevator.

Now it's early the next morning and we've been driving all night. We need to get as far away from Florida as possible. Once we are far enough north, we'll leave the country and won't come back for a long while. Long enough to make sure that our real identities haven't been discovered and the coast is clear to return to the United States.

We left the Lamborghinis in the parking lot of the hotel for the luxury car rental service to pick up. Jackson made a joke that we never got a chance to race them. I wasn't in the mood for his joke. We took the city bus from the hotel and picked up a nondescript family sedan at a car rental place out in the suburbs of Miami. We used fake ids, of course.

I've been leaning my head against the passenger door window all night. Jackson has tried to get me to sleep, but I can't. I feel physically sick. I can't stop crying. Jackson isn't used to dealing with a crying sister, because I never cry. We were trained to control our emotions. I feel quite out of control at the moment. He's trying his best to comfort me.

"Do you want me to stop the car in some small town so we can rumble with the locals?" When I don't answer, he says, "I'll take that as a 'no'."

"What city are we switching cars in?" I say in a raspy voice.

"We just entered South Carolina. We'll switch cars in Columbia." Jackson answers quietly.

When we get to Columbia, we drop the rental car off and take another city bus to the outskirts of the city. From there, we walk the residential neighborhoods for a car to steal. Jackson hotwires a minivan with a carseat in the back and we drive it into North Carolina. We drop it off in the downtown area of Raleigh, wiping it clear of any fingerprints, then take a taxi to the airport.

Gabriel is the only witness to the crime. I'm not sure what he'll say to the cops. The unusual travel measures that Jackson and I have taken should lose any trail that we may have.

We each use a new set of false identification to book a flight from Raleigh to London. The flight is going to be seven and a half hours long, so unfortunately, I'll have nothing to do but think some more about Gabriel. Either that or make small talk with whatever normal passenger that is seated next to me. I can't relate to normal.

Jeez, my entire life, I've never felt sorry for myself. Not about being an orphan. Not about my unusual childhood. But right now, I pity myself for the things I've never had and the things that I'll never have. Love. A real family. Gabriel.

Thankfully, the flight is almost full and Jackson and I won't be sitting together. I don't think I could take anymore of him trying to cheer me up. It's useless. Nothing will ever make me happy again.

It's not that I regret killing Xavier Sanchez. What I regret is losing Gabriel, my first and only love.

The things he said to me . . .

Maybe I deserved his harsh words, maybe I didn't. It doesn't matter either way to me. What matters is the way he feels. He hates me. He doesn't love me anymore. I killed his love when I killed his father. Losing his love hurts. It hurts worse than any bullet ever could.

I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could have love. I wasn't molded for love and love just isn't an option for me. Simon was right. Love is a weakness that those in our professions cannot afford.

But for a moment, it was so sweet while I had it. I will always cherish what we so briefly had. I will always love Gabriel. Always. The little time we had together will just have to be enough to last me forever.

It's funny that loving Gabriel will be both my greatest joy and greatest mistake in life. I can't regret it, though. I now know how beautiful love can be. I'll carry my memories of Gabriel with me forever. It's too bad that his memories will be so bitter.

I break down on the plane and have to go to the bathroom for privacy. As I grip the tiny bathroom sink, I try to push back the despair. I feel so nauseous at the thought of never seeing Gabriel again. I feel dizzy and brace one hand against the wall as I lean over the toilet and empty the meager contents of my stomach.

This is one instance where throwing up doesn't make me feel better. This isn't a sickness of the body, but a sickness of the heart and soul. Maybe I'm addicted to Gabriel's love and, without it, I'm like an addict without her fix.

Since it's happened, I've thought over and over again about what I should have done differently. There are so many things. Not finishing the job was not an option. Doing a better job at covering my actions was definitely an option. An option that I no longer have the option of taking.

It's over. I messed up and it's all over. I should have used something to put him to sleep, then he wouldn't have walked into the study in the middle of my kill.

When it really comes down to it, though, could I have really given up being an assassin to be with Gabriel? Yes, I suppose I could have and possibly been happier than I'd ever imagined. I'll never know now. Besides, this is who I am. This is who Simon made me. This is what was meant to be.

I leave the claustrophobic airplane bathroom and return to my seat. I pass by Jackson on my way back. He gives me a weird look, I ignore him.

As I sit down in my seat, I pull the tape recorder out of my carryon bag. I had wanted proof, maybe only for myself, that I wasn't a monster for killing my boyfriend's dad. I killed the monster. I did the world a favor. I did the right thing. I'll just have to live with the consequences. They'll have to be worth it.

When Gabriel confronted me at the hotel afterwards, I thought about bringing out the tape and telling him, 'See! He was a bad man!', but I saw in Gabriel's eyes that it would just hurt him more. He doesn't want to believe that his father was evil and he doesn't want to know the truth. Not only had his girlfriend killed his father, but to find out on top of it all, that his father was a murdering drug lord? I'm afraid that may just break him. I love him too much to do that to him.

Like he said, his hate for me has killed all of the love he had for me. So, he'll get over me. He'll eventually come to terms with his father's death. Never letting him know that the man who raised him, the father he loves, is a cold-blooded murderer, is my gift to him. He doesn't need to know that two of the people that he loved most in this world are both killers. Just me.

He'll go on with his normal life and I'll go back to doing what I do best. Killing.

This is really for the best. Besides, even if I did play the tape for him, he would never look at me the same way. He would never love me again. Not after seeing me shoot his father. Not after finding out that I used him from the beginning to get to his father.

I hate myself for hurting him. I know that I've hurt him badly. I deserve for him to hate me. I wish I could have his forgiveness and understanding. I think I'd sell my soul to have his love again.

Does he even understand how much I love him? I think that if I tried to convince him, he'd just laugh in my face. He'd probably want to slap my face.

Well, no one can stop me from loving him. Not even Gabriel himself. I love you, Gabriel.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

My angel, always.






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