In the Light

Chapter Sixty-Five Fight

A/N: it always bothered me that I never wrote this, and I got inspired today, so I wrote it. Warning: triggering

After Sam woke up, Ruby asked to speak to him in private. They went to their room, and Ruby closed the door.

"I see you went through my stuff." She's deadly calm.

"I felt like I had to. After you... You're getting worse," he stated blankly.

"Obviously. That doesn't give you the right -"

Sam interrupted her, angry now, "Ruby, I'm your husband, and maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me."

"Don't you even go there." She was growing more angry by the second.

"If you don't take care of yourself, then I have to. 'In sickness and in health.'"

He had a good point there. Sam looked satisfied with himself. "You don't understand." Anger turned to frustration.

"You're damn right I don't."

"That's because you never ask me about it!" Sam didn't say anything. "It helps." She didn't say "cutting" or "hurting myself" although it's what she meant. "I don't know how, but it does."

"Helps with what? Talk to me," he pleaded.

"I don't know. It makes me feel in control, I guess." Ruby thought for a moment. "You know how when you think of something bad or whatever, you can just shove it aside and not think about it?"

"Kinda." He looked confused.

"Well, I can't; that's the problem. It feels like a thousand bad thoughts are in my head at once." She thought briefly about telling him about her suicidal thoughts, but decided against it. Sam's expression slipped into concern.

Even though she didn't say it, he guessed. "Do you want to kill yourself?"

"Yeah, I really do."

Sam turned around and ran a hand through his hair. "Why?" he asked, his voice thick with tears.

"I don't know. It's like there's this voice in my head, telling me... It doesn't matter any more. I won't do it. Not when I'm pregnant. I won't kill an innocent child."

"But you'd willingly kill yourself otherwise?" He still hadn't looked back at her.

"Yes." Ruby didn't feel like lying anymore.

"God," she heard Sam say quietly.

"I haven't cut myself since I figured out I'm pregnant. And I think it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Going back to what they were arguing about in the first place, she said, "I just needed to know I had the option – for later. That's why I got so mad."

Sam's voice was low when he spoke. "You are never doing that again."

"You can't stop me."

Sam abruptly turned around. "Like hell!"

"You don't own me, Sam! I can do whatever the hell I want!"

"You want this?" he asked incredulously.

"No! More than anything, I want it to stop, but I can't."

"I don't believe that." Sam shook his head in denial.

"You don't think I've tried everything? I have. I tried my best, but nothing worked."

"Try again," he said harshly.

"I have been! You just don't see it." Sam's expression still hadn't changed. "You talk about trust and honesty, but you don't believe me. I swear to God," she said through gritted teeth, "I'm not lying."

"How am I supposed to believe that when it seems like all you've done – for months – is lie to me? To everyone?"

"Get out!"

"Gladly." He left and slammed the door on his way out.

Ruby sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, her energy completely drained. The baby kicked a few times. "I know, sweetie, I know."