Chapter 34

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(It took 5 tries to try and write Chapter correctly)

Jak's POV

I hold Rocco's hand tightly refusing to let go.
"Jak. Let's go. We'll be back in the morning." Trinity tries to convince again.
"Come on, Jak. You've been sitting there for 2 days. Please just come home, get some sleep, eat something, shower, relax a bit and we'll be back in the morning." Seth continues.
"Go home, Jak. I'll stay tonight and I'll call if anything happens." Ben says.
"Rocco wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself because of him.." Trin finishes.
I finally sigh and nod, getting up.
Seth smiles weakly and the three of us walk out of the hospital back to Seth's car.
He asks if I want to stay at his place again but I politely decline. Mom's been getting pretty worried about me lately. I'm not really surprised though.
Seth drops me off and after a solemn goodbye I walk sullenly up to the door.
"How'd it go?" Mom asks nervously as I walk in.
I just shrug.
The world seems gray.
Everything's just gray.
I wonder if this is how Rocco felt before he tried to take his own life.
Did he feel like life is pointless?
Did he just not give a f**k?
Did he see the world as just gray?
Did he think of me when he did it?
Was it my fault?
Did he really want to do what he did or did he just think of it as an only option of escape from such a bleary world?
Was he angry with me or just disappointed or upset?
"Jak.. I'm really worried about you.." Mom mumbles.
"I'm okay." I say throwing on a fake smile.
Did Rocco ever smile for real?
Or was it all fake?
It is really easy to fake a smile, I've been doing it constantly over the past couple weeks.
Was Rocco always feeling depressed and suicidal and what Dylan did just push him over the edge?
Or did the thoughts only come to him because of me?
Has he had it planned out for a while now or did he just decide to do it now?
"If you're sure... Do you want something to eat?"
"I'm just going to head up to bed. Love you." I reply as positive and energetic as I can.
"Love you too. If you need anything, you know where I am." She says.
I nod and trudge up to my room.
Collapsing onto my bed, I burst into tears.
This is all my fault.
If I hadn't of let Dylan kiss me then Rocco wouldn't have hurt himself.
But I guess it's more of Dylan's fault...
I'm just glad that I followed him to the forest.
I pull his suicide note and read it over for the millionth time.
'Please don't blame this on yourself.'
'You always used to tell me that I'll be okay. And now I will be. I'll be okay now that I'm dead. That's all I've ever wanted.'
'I love you.'
I cry myself to sleep, clinging onto his letter just wanting him to be okay.
If he dies, I die too.

Rocco's POV

All I wanted was to die but apparently since I'm such a f**k up, I can fail at the simplest of things like killing myself.
I should've drowned, overdosed, and bled out alone in the lake, right?
But no.
I can't do anything right.
I've basically been trapped inside my own mind for the past who knows how long. I can't tell time while here.
I can't see anything. Everything's dark.
I can't move. I can't feel. I can't see. I can't taste. I can't talk. I can't smell. I don't even know if I'm breathing.
The one thing I can do, though, is listen. I have no choice but to listen to Ben, Seth, Trinity and Jak talk to me, talk to each other, talk to the doctors.
From what I've picked up, I was taken to the hospital by Jak, my stomach was pumped and I was all patched up but now I'm 'comatose'.
I also learned that Jak didn't want to kiss Dylan. Everything was just a stupid mistake.
It physically pained me to have to hear Trinity crying and Seth trying to comfort her, Ben blaming himself for not talking to me enough, Seth upset because he felt it was his fault for not watching over me at the party and not coming to visit me after everything happening, Trinity expression her guilt and pain.
But it hurt the most to hear Jak constantly crying and telling me over and over again how sorry he is.
It hurt so much to hear the pain and guilt and sorrow in his voice as he spoke to me all the time.
He obviously hasn't wen taken care of himself and it hurts me so much.
Trinity was right when she said that I wouldn't want Jak doing this because of me.
I feel so bad that Im putting other people through so much just because of my own selfish needs to get out.
I just couldn't handle it and I needed to escape this cruel world.
But I can't.
I don't want to.
I'm so scared that I'm going to die or even worse, that I'll be stuck inside my mind without any escape, stuck listening to everyone crying constantly.
What if I do die and Jak doesn't get over me?
What if I'm stuck in a coma and he keeps not taking care of himself and continues crying to me?
I can't have that happening.
I've even trying so desperately to wake up but I just can't and I'm scared.
Help me please.
Wake up.

Jak's POV

I wake up at 8am feeling a little bit better after letting out my emotions last night and sleeping well. Well I didn't sleep too great knowing that Rocco's stuck on an uncomfortable hospital bed, possibly dying.
I shower and get changed into a pair of khakis and Rocco's old hoodie that he always wore.
I eat some of the pancakes Mom made for me before going back to my room.
I call Rocco's number knowing nobody would pick up.
"Sorry I didn't answer. If this is Trinity then it can probably wait until school. If this is Seth then call back later. If this is Ben I'll call you ASAP. And if this is Jak then I'll probably see you really soon. And I love you. Bye!"
He sounds so happy in it and I can hear Trinity's loud hearty laugh in the background.
I would've thought listening to this would make me even more upset but it makes me smile.
My phone beeps telling me that it's recording the message.
"I love you and I miss you so much, Rocco. Please wake up soon." I end it quickly not wanting to get too emotional.
He said in his letter for me not to cry over him but it's hard not too.
I know he's not dead but he tried to kill himself.
My boyfriend is in the hospital because of me.
The love of my life tried to end his life because of me.
"Please wake up." I whisper again.


My updating has gotten so inconsistent.
It's almost midnight so I should probably be sleeping but whatever.
~Ellie

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