Chapter 31

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Rocco's POV

My phone rings for probably the hundredth time but I just ignore it again.
I've been lying in bed for the past 6 days and Trinity and Seth have not stopped calling and texting. But not a single one from Jak.

"Rocco?" Ben calls from outside the door.
"Come in." I mumble just loud enough for him to hear.
He walks in holding a plate with some pasta on it.
"Your hungry?" He asks hopefully.
I shake my head silently.
The last time I ate was probably a week ago.
"Please eat something." Ben says.
"I'm fine." I mumble.
"Okay." He says then leaves the room again.
I drag myself up from my bed and stumble into the bathroom.
I tug my dirty shirt over my head and let my jeans drop to the floor.
My eyes catch my reflection and tears fill my eyes but I look away quickly.
I slowly step onto the small scale feeling slightly worried but mostly hopeful.
The numbers continue slowly ticking up until they stop at a number.
87 pounds..
I walk back to the sink and my eyes catch the mirror again.
Ribs, collarbones and hip bones sticking out but not sticking out enough. Stomach sinking in but not far enough.
Not skinny enough.
Jak will love me if I'm skinnier.
Tears fill my eyes again but I blink them away.
I refuse to cry.
I quickly drink some water before walking back to my room and changing into a pair of loose sweatpants and a loose hoodie.
I lie back in bed and play some music softly on my phone willing myself not to sleep.
Whenever I sleep I'm plagued by memories.
Jak and Dylan, Matty, my dad, etc.
before I would sleep knowing when I woke up Jak would be there to comfort me but I don't have that now.
And I'm scared..  I'm terrified that if I sleep I won't wake up.
I don't want to die in my sleep. I want to die by own hands with a note.
My phone rings again but I decline.
I know it would probably be healthy if I tried to talk to someone but I can't.
Everyone's going to leave me or hurt me. Not one single person has ever gotten into my life and not hurt me before and I don't think it'll ever happen. I'm not good enough to not be hurt, I'm not good enough to be wanted. I'll never be wanted.
I'll never be someone's favourite person.
There's a knock on the front door and I hear Ben open it.
"Hey. Rocco's in his room." He says.
I hear footsteps coming towards my door and I will them to go away but they won't.
There's 4 simple knocks on the door before it opens.
It's surprisingly Jenna.
I haven't really talked to ever.
"I know we haven't really talked much before but I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Trinity and Seth have been wanting to come over but they haven't because you'd probably get mad at them. But since I'm not really your friend I figured I could drop by." She says with a light smile.
She's definitely really pretty.
If I wasn't gay I'd probably be crushing on her.
"I guess Jak never really stopped did he? He cheated on me and Kat too. When he was with Kat he kissed Maddy and when he was with me, he kissed Trinity, before her and Seth got together. He's always been one to want more, you know. He always pleaded that it was a stupid mistake afterwards. With me and Kat though it was just him wanting to figure out why there was no stereotypical sparks when we kissed, he figured it out when you two kissed for the first time." She rambles.
"Anyways, I should probably be going. Just for you I'll let you in on a secret. Jak really does love you. He obviously just doesn't show it well enough. And another thing, just becase it feels like he's the only one that'll ever love you, he won't be. You'll find another, better guy than Jak." With that she walks out the door.
I wanted to believe her, I really did but I can't.
Who would ever love a depressed, fat, ugly, cutting, freak like me?
Obviously everything I thought I had with Jak was fake and he just wanted to hurt me. It was all just a joke.
No one could ever love me..

It's been another 3 days and I feel like I'm going to pass out.
I had just done 50 push ups and I haven't eaten in the past 10 days.
I feel like I'm stuck.
I can't stop my not eating for fear of gaining weight but I feel sickly.
I haven't had a good sleep in a week, I've slept a couple times but I end up waking up screaming and crying for hours.

I stumble back to the bathroom holding my stomach tightly. It hurts like hell.
It feels like there's an animal clawing at the inside of my stomach begging to be fed something.
Don't listen to it.
My demons have come back too.
They just repeat all of my insecurities to me and whisper insane stuff in my head.
Jak never loved you. No one will.
It was always right anyways.
You're such a fat*ss and no one cares about you.
Trinity and Seth do..
No they don't. It was all fake alone with everything with Jak.
No it wasn't. Leave me alone.
Your such a pathetic, worthless waste of space.
I know.
You don't deserve to eat. You don't deserve friends. People will never love you.
I know.
You're so pathetic. No one will love a naive, stupid little fat*ss like you.
I know.
Go kill yourself
No
Kill your stupid self before someone kills you first.
I'm not ready to die yet.
Yes you are. No one will miss you. No one loves you.
I know.
So kill yourself. Do what you've always wanted to.

Jak's POV

It feels like my life has lost it's purpose. This past week and a bit, I've been going through the same thing trying not to think about what happened.
I haven't contacted Rocco at all though I am extremely worried about him.
He hasn't been at school and apparently he's been ignoring all of Trinity and Seth's calls and texts.
I'm really worried that he's been doing badly. What if he cuts because of me? What if he gets worse again? What if he goes as far as attempting suicide?
I don't know how he is and it's driving me insane.
Jenna told me yesterday that Rocco's not doing great. She went over and he looked on the brink of death. Dark circles under his eyes, baggy clothes, bloodshot eyes, pale complexion, looked literally almost dead.
I've just been going through the motions without feeling a thing.
Trinity stopped talking to me for a couple days, hanging out with Jenna, Kat, Maddie, and a couple others.
Dylan luckily hasn't come near me in a while just winks and smirks at me from far away as though it was his major goal to break me and Rocco up.
"Jak. Please listen in class." The teacher says.
I nod but I couldn't honestly care less. All I can think about is my beautiful, adorable little ex boyfriend.
"I still love you, Rocco." I whisper to no one as I look over to his empty seat.


No worries. The next chapter will be even sadder but I'm going to try to sleep not because I've had a headache for the past couple hours and I don't really feel like getting sick or something.

~Ellie :)

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