messages

18. passer-bys

the first time we met, like really, truly, fully, met, i randomly asked you to watch The Bicycle Thief with me and we cried. already i knew:

when we converse, everything falls right into place, every syllable every pause every stutter. the silences were reflective, comforting, and never awkward. you never seize to amaze me, with your knowledge and virtues, with the flicker of your dark lashes over those deep set eyes, with how easy it is for you to make me smile. and just when i thought i had experienced everything there is in life, you were the first to make me feel adventurous again, like i had been asleep this whole time and suddenly woken up by a gentle nudge on the shoulder.

"you're late", you'd say. "what for?" i answered. "for us to begin".

i wish i could have the same effect on you. im scared you will get bored of me and tired of me, and annoyed that you have to keep up with all my troubles. i hope we're not just wasting time.

some time later:
you make me feel alive. like things matter and everything in the universe has a meaning. even its mere coincidences are worthwhile. you make me feel comfortable in my tiny vessle. you dont force me to get out of my shell but you bring me ease and allow me space and time to open myself up. in front of you i bloom with every petals spread widely and wildly. and we're both embarrassed together. which is so nice and calming.

and then today:
i notice that im falling for you, and probably you for me too. but neither of us have that kind of commitment; this im sure of as well. because we dont have the urge to rush into things, not like how we would a years ago, just to prove our self-worth or to show off to our friends. we're both old enough to understand now that we're nothing more than coincidences, like satellite passing each other as they orbit the earth, only to see each other for a few moments before drifting away to never see each other again. we can insert universal values as to why we connect or meaning to the butterflies in my stomach whenever i see you, but once the moment passes, that'll be it. that's what terrifies me, that we as humans only pass by briefly, say all that we have to say and share our deepest moments, to just then move on again. how could we live with ourselves like that? knowing that we'd just waste time together and nothing more? infinity must look like a black hole. why does anyone even try?