Chapter Six: Letters From The Heart

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Dear Eva,

I know this is going to seem strange, since letters seemed to die out in the 90's, but this seems a better solution for us. I want to say first that I am sorry for what I said that day I was arrested, it was low of me and I didn't mean it. I must admit that you are the only person who can get under my skin faster than a flesh-eating virus.

You might think I enjoy our back and forth bickering but I don't, in fact it tears me to shreds each time. Eva, you should know something about me, something you might already know. I am not a good man, I am a criminal. I think if you think about, you and me are a lot like, we have the same weight on our shoulders and carry the same demons. You might think I don't know you, but I do. You are like me, so much in fact that it explains why we can't seem to see eye to eye.

My entire life from the time I was eight I was told to hate The Renegades. My mother and Clay told me stories about how terrible you and your father were, told me over and over that you were a curse. I bought into it, and I ate every lie they shoved down my throat, but now I see that they were keeping us apart, because of their skeletons.

If you and I were in each other's lives that meant they had to be also, so they fed us lies about each other. Despite what you have heard I am not the kind of man you think I am. I would never hurt you in a physical way and I will always hate myself for the things I called you. You dropped your life and came to my aid when I asked and didn't even hesitate. You took my son into your life as if he was your own and took charge of a club that you knew was dying.

Eva, I have never known a stronger woman that you and I am humbled to have you in my life. I don't deserve what you have done for me and helping your club out of debt is not a payment. You hate me and I know you have every right to, but all I ask is you get to know me, the real me. Don't see me as Jax Teller of SAMCRO, don't see me as the womanizer you think I am, see me as I am.

This letter is my olive branch to you, Eva. This is me trying to mead a fence that may be forever broken. You hate me, I understand, so if you don't want to get to know me I understand. I will not hold any ill will to you and when I get out of here, I will sign the papers for the divorce if that is what you want.

I found an old book my father John was writing, and he spoke of his vision for the club, often speaking highly of your father. Even after they had strained he never lost doubt that one day we would come together again. I have always felt that fate had a hand in what happened in life, and even though we came together in the worst of circumstances, I feel that we can move forth.

I am not holding my breath for a relationship, or even a friendship, but I hope that we can continue to work together. Both MC's coming together against all others. If not for us, but for our fathers, both who died hoping for better.

I am not hoping for a letter, but just for you to think about what I have written. The next year of my life is up in the air and I am not sure I will make it out of here alive.

Your Friend/Husband,

Jax Teller.

                                                                                                 *****

Dear Jax,

Its after two in the morning and I cannot sleep. Abel is sleeping in his room as I listen to his breathing on the monitor. You have been gone for five months, and in those months' things have changed. I buried my father in his family plot just outside of San Francisco, and I am now living in your home as your presumed wife.

Your mother is begging me to take your last name, she brings it up every time we see each other. Because of that I have taken to avoiding her at all costs lately. Life has changed for me in ways that is keeping me awake at night. I went from thinking of ways to destroy your club, to just yesterday Opie and I laid out a plan for financial gain that benefits us both.

I am providing new talent to your porn business, and in return we are taking a share of the money. 50/50 the entire way. I will admit that when I saw the letter in the mail I was scared, thinking it was a trick or a con from someone else. I have read it over and over, making sure that I have not misunderstood it.

Part of me wants to embrace what you want and put aside the years of hate and anguish I felt, but part of me cannot let go of my father's warning. I am not blind Jax, and I am not naive, even though most would disagree.

You and I are the same, cut from the same cloth. Our parents kept us apart because they knew we would come together, but they also knew that we would be dangerous together. I am dangerous for you Jax, as you are for me. You are not a bad man, criminal yes, but not a bad man. You do what you must for your club, and your family as I do.

I dropped everything for you, and I put my hate aside not because I knew it would benefit my club, but because you needed me. That day you called me in for a meeting I saw a look of desperation in your eyes that I had never seen before. You needed me as I needed you and that was no coincidence, I believe it was fate.

I understand that you want to look past the hate, and I know that it took a lot of courage. It's hard not to hate, it gets inside you and takes you over, becomes you and who am I if I am not hating Jax teller? I want to confess to you something,I always said I would take to the grave.

I didn't shoot you that day on the highway, it was Luke. He took the shot out of anger and in return I live with the scar from your bullet. I took the blame to protect him, because I knew it was death if I didn't. Your club would never go after me because of the backlash so I took the heat and your seething hatred to protect a friend.

There it is, in my own writing I am confessing to you the lie I kept all these years. The reason you hate me is a lie, burned up by the truth. In truth Jax, I have no real reason to hate you. I was groomed to hate you and SAMCRO, but now you are part of my life and no matter where we go after your release I will always be a part of SAMCRO.

I have grown fond of everyone here, including your mother believe it or not. She accepts me now, accepts our so-called marriage, as fake as it may be. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for what you said that day, water under the bridge that we must walk over.

Jax I know that you want more from me, than just a business relationship, but I can't give that to you now. I feel that you are reaching out to me because you miss Tara and you are alone, but you will see once you are out that what you are feeling for me is false.

I can't give myself to you emotionally or physically and I fear I will never be able to. I said it once in this letter and I will say it again. We are dangerous for each other, ticking time bomb ready to explode at the first bump in the road. When you are released I feel it will be best for us to go our separate ways, looking back on this time as a growing experience.

I felt in your letter that you were ready to love me, you were ready to take in the real me and see me as your wife, but Jax that can never happen. We are broken. Broken love is the most dangerous as it will slice you open with every touch. How can I be your wife if I have lingering feelings of hate and resentment? How can I give myself to you physically if I am too scared for your touch?

You deserve better than me Jax Teller, and I know that in time, you will see that.

Eva Cortez


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