nineteen

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T R O Y E

I hadn't been able to stop thinking. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about a lot of things. It was Wednesday morning, and I'd had a great recording session yesterday, so naturally that was the first thing on my mind. So far, I'd only recorded three out of the six songs, but I was still doubting whether I was actually going to put all of them on the EP. I was doubtful about Blue Moon, because, even though all songs were pretty personal, Blue Moon was by far one of the songs closest to me. And I wrote it just after I broke it off with Tyler. To me, it was an outburst of emotions. Of thoughts that weren't the same anymore. I don't think that I "maybe let go too soon". Because it hadn't been a good relationship.

The second thing on my mind was the end of the year performance. I still had no idea what to do. Because well, I really wanted to do something with my EP. But there was no way possible that I could sing a song from that without having it go viral. And I didn't want that to happen. The leaked lines of lyrics and my new hometown were horrible enough already. I didn't know if I would be able to handle more than that. Another problem with this matter was that I couldn't just write another song before that. Well, I could. But I had no ideas anymore. Any songs I wrote were for the EP. And maybe for later, for more. If the EP would do well. I also didn't want to cover a song, as I simply, no matter how cocky that may sound, can do better than covers. Which didn't mean I didn't love covering songs. I absolutely did. But I felt that, for some huge performance, I had to do something better than a simple cover. Because that would take like almost no effort.

The third thing on my mind was the fact that we still hadn't decided on a name and release date for the EP. Nor had we decided on any ideas for the album art. Heck, we didn't even have ideas yet. But that was the least of my worries though. My mind was mostly occupied with a certain boy with fluffy brown hair and piercing green eyes. A certain boy that went by the name Connor Franta. Who I'd been cuddling and talking with; a lot. A boy my mom had suspected me of dating.

Connor Franta was also the boy who was rapidly snapping his fingers in front of my face now. I looked up, a little dazed. I hadn't realised I zoned out and missed the bell. But I guess that wasn't really surprising, given the fact that I hadn't been paying attention at all. My mind was far too occupied to be bothered with French.

"Yeah, I'm coming," I replied to the snapping fingers. I quickly shoved my textbooks and pencil case in my backpack, which I then hoisted onto my back, and followed Connor and Kian out of the classroom towards the cafetaria, where we proceeded to sit down and eat something.

I was silently eating my muffin when a girl stopped by and threw on a huge smile. She batted here eyes and draped, if that was even the right word to use, herself over Connor. The boy in question was sitting opposite to me and seemed in shock a bit. The unnamed girl had long brown hair and wore lots of makeup. She seemed like an absolute stereotype popular barbie.

"Connie! When are you taking me on that date, huh?"

I looked at the boy with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. Date? He never mentioned having a crush on someone. For a minute I had actually given myself the idea that he maybe was attracted to guys anyway. That maybe I stood a chance. But of course I didn't. I could never stand a chance when a supposedly beautiful and popular girl wanted him almost as much as me.

"Fuck off, Bethany. For the last time, I'm not interested." He shoved her off and looked down immediately after. It got me to look up at the boy, surprised. He turned her down?

"Oh, but Connor, honey, I'm the best girl you can get in this whole town, why would you turn me down?"

"Maybe he's waiting for someone better to come along. Maybe he likes someone else. Maybe he just thinks your trash. And maybe, just maybe, he simply isn't interested in you, Bethany." Jc looked at the girl with a slight look of distaste, and I couldn't help but stifle a smile. It must be nice to have your friends around you like that all the time.

When she walked away, Connor thanked him multiple times, and the I only thing I felt like doing was looking at him with a content smile on my lips. He was just so pretty. He was genuine and sweet. And I thought about that way too much. I hadn't even known him for long, but the things I felt towards him were bigger already than they'd ever been with Tyler.

The bell rung, signalling the end of our break and the start of two hours music for me and Connor. Only after everyone had left, I stood up. Connor was tipping his foot on the floor impatiently, but I couldn't help but be sluggish. I had no excitement towards those music hours at all. It wasn't like I had anything I was able to do in these hours. Everyone was working their butts of for the performance. I didn't know why though, from what I've been told the performance isn't in another three months. And this wasn't even theatre- where people actually had to practice a long time to make a good show. This was just music. I was simply unable to fathom why we'd already started on this. I mean, I understand that having enough time is important, but all we did in class had to do with the performances. And that was the most annoying thing. Really, I was fine with us having to prepare so early, but the fact that there wasn't another option, that made it unbearable.

"Jeez, Troye boy. Something wrong? You seemed quite zoned out for the past hours," Connor spoke up while we were walking to class.

"Huh, oh... yeah," I ran a hand through my quiff, "I just have a lot on my mind right now to be honest."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Like what?"

You. "Err, the EP, to begin with," we had arrived at class, and walked to the two seats in the back of the small theatre-like room we had come to call ours. I was careful to not talk about this subject all too loud, as I didn't want anyone hearing about this. The fact that Connor knew was a huge risk already. Hell, I shouldn't be talking out loud about this. "I mean. I've recorded half of the songs now, but they aren't finished yet, we still need to put them together with the music. That shouldn't be too much work though. But, we also still need a name, a release date, an announcement date, and album art. For second, it's actually this damn class. We don't even get to do anything else but work on the performance when it's months away. And it's not like I know what I'm gonna do anyways."

I sighed, slumping down in my chair.

"Yeah, okay. Sounds valid enough. If- if you ever need any help, you can ask me, okay?" He seemed genuinely caring, which made me smile.

-

I was sitting on the tribune at the swimming pool. Connor and I were going to hang our, but he had practice first and to be honest, I couldn't really be mad he dragged me along. I mean, two hours of watching super fit boys swim? I was up for that. Especially now that I knew just how fit Connor looked. Damn.

It smelled of chlorine mostly, and nobody was in the pool anymore. They were getting instructions or something like that. I didn't really take notice on what they were actually doing. I just took notice of the good looks and the smiles Connor shot me. Smiles that brightened up my world and made me warm and fuzzy from within. Cute smiles that made my heart shake with anticipation. Because oh, how much I'd give for him to be mine. To kiss him. To cuddle with him in public. To show affection wherever we went. Because even though we cuddled a lot when hanging over at either of our houses, we didn't cuddle at school. In school we just shared glances at each other. We shared a couple more seconds than was normal when u accidentally touch someone. And I was aching for me. To feel more of him. To taste his lips and feel them pressing against mine.

But he wasn't even gay.

Ha this chapter sucks.
I am such a proud person atm tho. Bc hell Troye won two ARIAS and Connors cc x uo is coming out in 2/3 days. I'm also very very tired but I wanted to finish this very crappy chapter in which nothing happens bc I haven't uploaded in like almost a week.
My reads have been blowing up omfg. Like, 3 days ago I hit 1702 reads which was like holy fucking shit ohmygod. And now I hit 1900+ ??? Like. How???? I didn't even upload????? This isn't even good??? It's just repetitive and nothing happens???

I also love the wcfw people.

Bye. I love every single one of you. You are beautiful, loved and valid. ILY tysm for reading and maybe for commenting/voting if u have.

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