Love Me Again

Chapter 21

"At the beginning of our marriage, it was perfect. A dream come true. It was a fairy tale. Then, you started to work late. Don't take it the wrong way, I understood. Believe me, I understood."

I faced forward staring at the wall. Blake was right in front of me, but I wasn't looking at him. It was like I was staring right through him. I saw him, but I didn't.

I knew he was there but I couldn't see him. It was like I was hearing someone else talking while I was listening. It was like I was watching a film of our lives together but not seeing anything.

I felt my lips move as I keep talking. It was like I wasn't the person talking, but I continued. I didn't know what I was going to say. I hadn't even thought we were going to have a chance to talk, but here we are.

"I understood that you weren't going to be there the whole time. I knew I couldn't depend on you all the time as I did before."

"You had to run your business and I wasn't going to worry you and cause you more unnecessary stress you didn't need. So I was the perfect wife. I stayed at home and didn't cause you any trouble. I didn't go out partying as any normal twenty-two-year-old would. I kept to myself. I was the perfect housewife."

I was listening to myself talk. I listened to everything I was saying and I knew what I said was true. This was the first time, since I told James about my past, that I have talked about it. This time was different though because I was describing how I felt. With James, I just talked about what happened.

It was the same story every time, it was like a script. I simply told them what happened. It was only the surface of the story though like a summary. I never went any deeper. Now I was and I never knew how I truly felt about my past until now.

"Our marriage was still perfect though. It was like any other marriage. I understood how it was going to be like married to a CEO, I was even prepared. It wasn't like you could drop everything to be with me. I knew what it would be like because I dated you, I was engaged to you. But we weren't together often, I barely got to see you."

I got up and looked out the picture window. In the reflection of the glass, I saw Blake turning to look at me. It was raining outside but all I saw were my tears every night that I spent alone not knowing what was going to happen to us, to our marriage.

"I tried everything I could. I brought lunch to your office thinking it would give us time to spend together. But every time I came to your office, you would be in a meeting or leaving the building. I tried everything I could but nothing work."

I shook my head coming out of the fog of my past. I closed my eyes to stop the waves of memories. I tried to push the pain I went through my head. That's why I didn't linger on the past, it hurt too much.

"I wanted to spend time with you and staying home all the time didn't help. It was our home and I couldn't stand being there without you. That's why I got the job, so I had something to do. I got my first paycheck and I didn't know what to do with it. Since we already had enough money, I didn't want the job for the money. I was going to donate it to charity until I thought of buying a trip for your birthday. It was going to be perfect. I opened a separate bank account to hold the money, so I could surprise you with the gift. I wanted to give you something that I paid for and not get you something with your own money. I had it all organized. I called France and asked him if he could take over for you while we went on a trip and he agreed. It was going perfectly: the planning and the surprise."

I stopped and took a breath before continuing.

"It was two months before your birthday and I had everything planned everything was going to be perfect. Well, that's what I thought until I came home early one day because I wanted to go to the bank. I was going to take all the money from my account. I was going to take what was necessary for the trip then donate the rest to charity. I got home and saw your car in the driveway. I walked into the house and called your name hoping you were home and we could spend time together."

I turned away from the window and looked at Blake. From the expression in his eyes, he knew where this was going.

"You didn't answer me, so I went upstairs thinking you were just taking a nap since I knew that deal was making tired and overwhelmed. I walked to our bedroom, Once I was almost there, I heard the moaning."

I looked at Blake trying to see his reaction. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if it would be different from the reaction I saw when I entered the room that day. I stared at him watching his reaction as I continued.

"I heard the moaning. Now that I think back to that day, I think somewhere in my mind I knew what you were doing but I just didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe the truth, but I still opened that door. As I thought, you were in our bedroom with another woman. When the door opened you turned to look straight at me, but you ignored me and keep going. I remember running out of the room and driving. I stopped somewhere and got out of the car and sat on the ground. As soon as I sat down, everything caught up to me and I cried. I sat there for I don't know how long crying and when I was too tired, I laid down and cried."

I looked at him not glancing away once. I remember Blake that day looking at me with a smirk on his face. When he saw me standing there he looked shocked then satisfied like he wanted me to see them.

At that moment I knew he was heartless. He was what everyone said he was, a monster. He would use anyone to get what he wanted then throw them away like they meant nothing to him.

I finally knew one thing as I laid there on the grass that day. I knew that I meant nothing to him. But what I didn't know that day was, it was only the beginning of my pain.

I don't know what I would have done if I could see my future. I don't know if I would have made the same choices, the same mistakes.

All I know now is there is only one way to heal the pain I am currently feeling and that's to relive the past with Blake so I can hopefully move on with my future.