Love is bullshit. It's powerful. It's convoluted with different levels of pain and pleasure. It has been my spinach, giving me unimaginable Popeye strength to handle anything. Revealing a power I never knew I possessed. But, it has turned into a secret kryptonite quickly diminishing my super powers. It made me make the worst decisions in life, blinded by what it needs. It's complex and heavy. It's too much, way too much. Love is bullshit and I can't run from it.
My war with love came to a turning point two weeks ago, when my best friend did exactly what she was supposed to do- remove my rose color glasses so I can see some real shit. Shit that seemed innocent, yet confusing. Something that I couldn't quite wrap my thoughts around. It was the beginning of a crisis. One that I never thought I would have to deal with. The kind of crisis that you told the world over and over again you would never in your life deal with. Ever.
Even as I sit here reliving each moment, I wished Sandra never walked up to my door that beautiful day. No, further back. I wish I never met Damion back at Luvie's Lounge. Maybe then I wouldn't be jumping through hoops and eating fire all to appease the hoggish ringmaster. My life a circus -- never in my worst nightmares.
Damion, my husband, was a fucked up man who wanted me to go to war over him. Play his lieutenant; someone to stand by his side with blind loyalty to fight any battle over and for him. Wrong. I wanted out of that war. I wanted out of the game. Sub me out coach. I'm done playing this position...or so I thought.
A Month Earlier...
I'd rather be a slave to love than free without it. Damion knew what he was doing when he enslaved me with his heart — trapped in its hold against my own will. I fell in love with falling in love. He's my soulmate. The one person that brings out greatness in me when my world is in chaos; moments when I'm clueless to how I could ever live through it without him.
He's my hero; saving me from loneliness, and teaching me how to let go and love. My very own cliché –the air beneath my wings--and even though he's not perfect, he's mine. All 6-foot-2 and half-inches, momma's little baby, Pitbull loving, weekend basketball wannabe all-star pieces of him. All mine.
His smile. The one that makes a newborn laugh its first laugh, is mine. Those big hands that were made to palm my pear bottom, belong to me. And that fire behind those deep, jade and amber eyes burn for me.
He makes me happy. But can I be honest with you? Lately, I've been feeling like something's different with him. Don't get me wrong, he still makes me glow, but lately he seems a tad bit distant. Like something is on his mind. He's normally very open with me when things are bothering him but, for some reason, he's locking down his thoughts. Denying what my eyes see and my instincts are telling me with an "everything is ok" response. I don't believe him.
Even though we've only been married for two years, I've known him like the back of my hand for seven. Others can't read him. But to me, he's like an open book with tattered pages and weak seams. He allows me in. At least, he did.
He's had a rough go at life. His father was a drug addict who died from an overdose while he was still in high school. And, the worst part is that he watched his dad take his last breath in front of him. For some reason, I've never asked for any other details. His answers wouldn't help diminish the devastation he endured. Only an insensitive person would try to pry details out and I'm not that.
After that loss, his childhood ended and he was thrown into being the man of the house. His mom tried to keep him in school, but he knew she needed help paying bills and feeding his sisters. So, he did what he saw and only knew up until that point. He started off in street pharmaceuticals. Luckily, after he was arrested, his father's friend James hipped him to a new hustle — selling cell phones. And not out of a trunk, but legally in a store. Before he knew it, he had climbed the ranks to Lead Retail Consultant, helping to train new employees and being charismatic with c-level executives.
He is so strong, but has scars that will never heal and I understand that. I just want to be there for him. I hope he opens this barricaded door for me. I live to see him happy. He deserves some joy after all that he's been through.
YOU ARE READING
Play Your PositionRomance
Two women, living two separate lives, begin to notice evidence that the man that has held their hearts could be living a double life. As time passes, more and more questions start to arise, causing them to have to deal with a new dilemma -- go with...