Gangster Love

Gangster Love (Part nineteen)

Kemmie

 

Wasn’t sure how I got home that night, all I knew was my head was pounding when I woke up. I had taken a few painkillers and spent the majority of the day in my bed just lost in my thoughts, drowning in my sadness.

I felt like I had lost Drake all over again only this time it was Rion who I had lost but not to death but through my own stupidity.  I couldn’t thank him for what he done, but I could have been more understanding of his reasons for doing what he had done.  I knew deep down he had my best interest at heart but yet I allowed my anger to get the better of me, pushing away the only man who loved me more than anything else in this world.

 

Sometimes I loved Rion more than I loved my own self, sometimes I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror I hated what I had become.

 

I loved DJ very much he was all I had left of Drake and sometimes when I looked into his eyes I saw Drake looking back at me and it brought me great joy to know that I was able to help him live on through his child.

 

But I had wished for more growing up.  I wanted a career, I wanted a big family but when I had enough money and didn’t have to rely on a man to be the soul provider but at the same time I wanted a husband, I wanted my child to have a stable upbringing.

 

I knew my circumstances were different because me and Drake would be raising DJ if he had not been taken away but it didn’t make me feel any happier about it, I wasn’t able to give DJ everything I had to rely on Rion and I hated it but at the same time I was happy about it because I knew he would grow up seeing me and Rion as his mummy and his Daddy and when he was old enough to understand I would tell him about Drake.

 

At least he had a man around to show him how to do ‘Man Things’ but now all hope of that was gone.

 

I knew I’d probably find someone else but I didn’t want anyone else, I wanted Rion. Another man might not be so affectionate towards him, another man might not want to take the role as ‘Daddy’ to another mans child.

But I had not thought about all that when Rion told me about what they had done to Shantay.  That’s the thing about anger it makes you think irrationally sometimes. Say things you don’t mean that you can never take back, but it’s our nature we can’t run from anger but it’s up to us to deal with the consequences of our actions.

 

But he wouldn’t care; I wouldn’t expect him too not after all I had said to him.  I couldn’t stop loving him even if I wanted to my heart wouldn’t t let me, my mind wouldn’t let me! Because I belonged with him.

 

Slowly sinking into depression the more I think about things. I was happy to lie in bed and cry away all the sadness inside of me until my eyes were numb and sore and not one tear would fall.

 

Slowly sinking into depression knowing that my emotions were getting me so down I couldn’t even look after my son.

 

My mum came over three days ago to drop DJ off but after seeing the state I was in she thought it best if she kept him for a while, telling me to seek some professional help to help me deal with my emotions, but I didn’t want that.