sixteen

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C O N N O R

It was Friday night now, and we were at JC's with the six of us. I had asked Troye to come, but he said he had something else, so it was just the six of us. It was only half past ten, but we were already draped over the couches and chairs in his living room like it was three in the morning and we couldn't help but almost fall asleep. Oh well. There was a movie on, though I didn't know which one it was.

I was busy thinking. In the last six months or so, I had finally fully come to terms with my sexuality, but I was too scared to come out to these guys. To my family even. To anyone, for that matter. But now all of sudden we had Troye Sivan Mellet in my life, who seriously gave me whole  another level of doubt. And I mean, it wasn't that I didn't want to come out. I really did. About two weeks ago I almost did it. But I couldn't then, and I didn't think I could now. But today was a great opportunity to tell them. I mean, everyone was here, and if they all started hating me I could just go home and hide for the weekend.

"Con? Are you okay? You look quite pale." My head snapped up when I noticed JC was talking to me. While debating whether to tell them or not I slowly shook my head and bit down on my lip. Might as well just go for it now. Their eyes slowly became a bit concerned, but I didn't dare look up to meet them.

"N- no," I let out a shaky breath, "I- I actually... I actually wanted to tell you so- something." I was scared, and they could probably tell. Their faces displayed confusion, care, and concern. I hoped they would still display those after I told them what I wanted to tell them. I hoped they wouldn't get mad. That they wouldn't hate me. That I would still have friends after this.

I took my time, arranging the words in my head. I repeated them over and over again. It wasn't that hard. Just three small words. I am gay. I am gay. I am gay. Words were innocent. Right? They couldn't do any harm. It were just three small words. Nothing would change. I was still the same Connor. Right?

"I- I'm..." My throat went dry. I couldn't talk. My lips were sealed as if they were locked with three locks. And the keys were gone.

Anticipation hung thick in the air, and the sounds of the movie were dull. All my friends, I hoped I could still call them that after tonight, were watching me. Eyes prying, though it was clear they didn't want to force me. I looked down and fiddled with my fingers, a single tear escaping my eye. I should do it. I felt like I had to. I owed it to them. I owed them the truth. Because, how can you call people your best friends when they don't know such a huge part of you? Right. You can't.

"I am gay." I breathed out a breath I didn't fully realise I'd been holding. I was shaking now, and the fact that it was eerily silent in the room didn't make me feel any better. I dropped my head into my hands, while some tears escaped me. I didn't want to cry. But I couldn't help it. My shoulders were shaking, and at first I didn't realise I was being pulled into a hug. I only realised when the arms around me started slowly running up and down my back, comforting me.

"Hey. You're still the same Connor. I- we- don't give a fuck about your sexuality. If you want to fuck boys instead of girls, so what? You're still Connor. We still love you, Con." I looked up then, smiling at Kian, who was smiling at me. He looked like he didn't care indeed, and so did the others. Some might say they even looked proud. The boy slowly released me and went back to just sitting down next to me. I wiped away the tears on my cheeks with my sleeve, while half-laughing. They had been so relaxed. They didn't look any different at me than before.

"A- are you sure? Y-you don't hate me now?" I whispered. It caused them to smile at me, almost to laugh.

"Of course not! Like Kian said, we still love you. It isn't like you just became a different person like that. We just know some more about you." JC shook his head a bit, encouragement shining through. "Now. Is there any boy in particular that you like?" He wiggled his eyebrows, and any doubt of their acceptance I had had, disappeared immediately. It was instead replaced with my cheeks going a tad red, and shaking my head fast.

"No." The word left my mouth within a matter of seconds, which caused Sam and Ricky to raise their eyebrows and earned me a sideways glance from Kian. But it was true. There was no one. Because I didn't crush on that gorgeous, blue eyed, Australian boy. Not in a million years. Nope nope nope nope nope. Absolutely not. I wasn't falling for him. I didn't absolutely love the colour of his eyes; the way he seemed to always be chewing gum; the way he became whole another person when singing. I didn't crush on the boy with over a million subscribers. I didn't like the boy. Oh no, I had already passed that stage. Because I was falling, and I didn't doubt that I would soon reach the ground. And I didn't think it was going to be pretty.

It was at that moment that my phone rung. I let it ring. It probably wasn't important anyway. Also, it was lying on the table and was out of my reach. Well, as long as I didn't put any effort in picking it up. When it rung for a second time, Trevor shot me an annoyed look an raised his eyebrows.

"You aren't gonna answer that?" He asked, reaching for the phone.

"Nah, it's probably not important." Trevor picked up the phone, and immediately raised his eyebrows.

"What?" I bend over, reaching for my phone. The boy next to me however, held it up higher, which resulted in me standing up and snatching the ringing phone from his hand.

Incoming call from: Troye boy Sivan 💙

I immediately clicked "accept call" which earned me a chuckle from Trevor. I playfully punched his arm. Everybody fell silent, as we had the habit to use the speaker when in company- so that's what I did. A smile tugged at my lips as I heard the Australian boy speak.

"OHMYGOD CONNOR I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GOING TO ANSWER." His excitement was clearly audible, and I chuckled lightly, my cheeks going rosy. I tried to not show the fact that this call made me so, so, so, so, so happy from inside. That this boy made me really happy. Even when he was shouting into the phone and not planning on toning it down a notch.

"I AM SO HAPPY. I JUST CAME OUT OF THE STUDIO AND WE RECORDED HAPPY LITTLE PILL AND NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS ADD THE REST OF THE MUSIC AND PATCH IT UP A BIT BUT IT SOUNDS SO DAMN GOOD. I AM SO EXCITED OHMYGOD. I AM SCREAMING AREN'T I? SHIT. Sorry! It's just, aaargh! I'm so fucking exited and I am not supposed to tell you this but I just couldn't keep it to myself!" He rambled. I immediately was proud of the small boy. I was so happy for him. I smiled at the thought of him bouncing up and down and not being able to contain his excitement. My thoughts weren't with what I had told my friends not even half an hour ago, but instead they were with the boy on the other side of the phone. That is, until I realised the phone was on speaker. Until I realised that my friends had heard everything. Until I realised that he said he wasn't supposed to tell anyone. And I realised that he certainly wouldn't have wanted for my friends to know. Telling me was one, telling six people was whole another story.

And it wasn't just me who realised this. Kian did as well, and Kian being Kian, he spoke out loud. Loud enough for Troye to hear. Now, it was only a small "what the fuck?", but the other side of the line went silent. The other line went dead silent. And it stayed silent. For at least a minute.

"C-connor... nobody, nobody, can know. Y-you realise that?" And then the line went dead. All I could hear was the soft beeps that signalled he hung up. And of course, all eyes were on me after that. Again. But I refused to answer the questions. I told them that if they really wanted to know, they should ask Troye. But I also told them that Troye genuinely didn't want them knowing, simply because of the fear of it getting out. And I hoped they understood. I hoped that this wouldn't get out, because then Troye was going to be devastated. And I didn't think he would want me there for comfort. I knew it was selfish to think that way, but I didn't want to lose him. no matter the fact I hadn't known him for long.

Hi. So, was this good? I don't feel like it was. Ugh. Sorry. I hope you enjoyed it anyway, and remember that I love you. You are loved, beautiful, and I'm really thankful that you take a little piece of time out of your day to read this. Also. I'm like, really lazy, but I like, really want to make a fan acc on insta. But then I'd have to put effort in it. Ugh. First world problems, sorry.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I don't know if I'll update next week. I'll try to, but I have a huge testweek so yeah, fun (:

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