Chapter 26

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Rocco's POV

Oh thank god that was just a dream. The train tracks felt so real and the train...
I smile thinking about Jak.
He's falling in love with me.
I think I am too.
He's just so perfect.

I had slept over at Trinity's because I was just terrified of Matty. Unfortunately, Jak had to go home but he's picking us up this morning and driving us to school.
"Rocco? You up?" Trinity calls out, knocking on the door gently.
"Yep."
"Well I'm going to make some breakfast. Do you want any?"
"No. I'm good, thanks."
"Okay. Feel free to shower!" I hear her footsteps walk away and I sigh, pulling myself out of bed.
Depression.
Such an awful thing for someone to have.
Even if nothing's happened and everything is okay, you can still feel upset and down for no reason. That's how I feel right now. Everything is actually pretty good except for Matty.
But even that isn't bothering me too much because I have Jak again.
And me and Trinity and Seth are all friends again. Though, Seth is a little wary with me, I think it's because I broke up with Jak so hard that he's probably still a little mad at me.
But depression still weighs over me like a dark cloud.
I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to eat. I don't want to shower. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to leave. But I don't want to die or anything. I just don't want to exist for a while.
I don't know if that makes sense but depression doesn't make sense either.
I roll up my sleeves looking at my scars.
Simple lines mark all the way from the bottom to the top of my forearms. They seem messy and a lot of them overlap. I run my fingers over them feeling the newer ones. They have such an interesting texture. It's scabbed but it's bumped. Just a simple puffier bump of skin. Nothing too interesting behind it in all. But in reality, each and every self-inflicted wound has a different story behind how it got there.
It's fascinating, really.
"Rocco?" Trinity calls out.
My mind feels hazy as I look up at the door. I just feel so tired and drained.
"You okay?" She aks though she doesn't open the door.
I nod even though she can't hear me.
"Jak's here..." She calls unsurely.
She knocks and I still don't move from my spot on the bed looking at my wrists.
I hate it when my demons take over my head and I feel trapped inside myself without an escape.
"Trin? Rocco?" Jak shouts.
"Up here!" Trin yells back.
I hear Jak's footsteps then whispering outside my door.
Surprisingly, tears haven't found a way out of me yet. I'm just frozen. Looking at my scars, running my fingers over them.
"Rocco? Baby? Are you okay?" Jak asks knocking on the door gently.
I want to scream 'no'. But I sit still.
I hate my depression. I hate my anxiety. I hate my paranoia. I hate my insecurities. I hate my demons. I hate everything. I hate myself, most of all.

It feels like all happiness was ripped out of the world. Why am I feeling like this? Everything is okay. But it's not. Matty will f**king kill Trinity and Jak if I ever leave this room. Matty will torture me if I ever go to school.
Oh, how much I hate reality.
I wish me and Jak could just run away and live far away from all our, well my, problems.
Sometimes, I wish I had never left my dad. That way Jak and Trinity wouldn't be in harms way. Matty would probably still be their friend but nothing bad would be happening. I wouldn't have to deal with him.
But I would never trade anything for the time I've shared with Jak.

I feel the bed sink in beside me. I hadn't even realized that someone had walked in.
"Rocco? Sweetie? Darling? Baby? Please, look at me. What's wrong? What happened?"

His voice sounds far away compared to my thoughts.
I don't want to die. That's what I realized. I never did. I just wanted to escape. But not die.

"What happened?" He asks more forcefully grabbing my hand that was tracing my scars.

I finally manage to snap out of my daze, break free of the cage my demons had put me in.
Tears flow freely down my face.
I cry way too much.
"It's okay. Everything's okay, sweetheart. I promise. It's okay." Jak says pulling me closer to him.
I don't say anything I just try to control my emotions and stop my tears.
I realize my scars are still out in the open and I start trying to pull my sleeves down.
Jak grabs my hands though and brings my chin up to look at him.
"Don't be ashamed of your scars. They show that your struggling but it shows that your going to win this battle. I know you can win this war. You can do it. Your so beautiful." Jak says.
Then he does the most cliche thing there is. He brings my arms up and kisses my scars and I feel his tears hitting my skin.
He finally looks back up at me.
"Rocco.. I know your still struggling and I know your still fighting so many insecurities and demons but I promise I'll be right beside you to help you through everything. We'll kick their asses together. I know you can do it. I still think your beautiful even though you're scarred. You mean the world to me and we can do this together. One day we can say that we made it because we will. One day you won't be broken. I promise. We'll make it. I... I love you, Rocco." He says looking at me with big glossy blue eyes.
My breathing stops for a second and a tears slides down my face but he's quick to wipe it away with his thumb and caress my face.
"I love you too." I say.
He smiles at me for a second before kissing me.
He loves me.
I love him.
We love each other.
Love exists.

For years, I didn't believe that love existed. The world is such a cruel place. After everything that happened with Hailey, my mom, my dad, Matty. I didn't believe that love could exist. Especially someone loving me.
How could anyone love someone like me? And how could someone as broken as me ever love anyone?
I spent years being isolated and alone and now I'm in love with my boyfriend and I have two I the most amazing friends ever.
How did this happen to me?

Love exists.
I love Jak.
Jak loves me.
We're in love.


Scared you with the last update didn't I ;)
This was a really weird chapter.
So, sorry if you didn't like it...

~Ellie

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