I practically crawl into school after yet another sleepless night. I am making mistake after mistake. First Jess and now Matt. It's only a matter of time until I push everyone away from me. With every day that passes I am feeling more and more worthless.
I sit on the usual bench letting the cold air bite at my skin causing goosebumps to rise all over my body. I shiver but I don't want to head into school just yet. That would mean facing facing Matt and Jess and I can't do that, not right now anyway.
"Isaac what are you doing out here?" Summer and Charlotte walk over to me and sit beside me on the bench.
"I've ruined everything. It's only a matter of time until I push you away too." I throw my head into my hands and tug at the ends of my hair. "Why do I keep messing up?"
"What's right?" I sigh, I know I probably sound pathetic right now but this is how I feel so who cares. "First Jess. I still don't know whether I should've believed her or not. What sort of a boyfriend does that make me? Then I saw Joe yesterday but Matt pulled me away before I could make a fool of myself even more. I literally had a go at Matt and stormed off. He was only trying to help and I shouted at him!"
"Isaac it probably isn't as bad as you think."
"Then why did I buy this?" I reach into my pocket and pull out the bag of weed. "I brought some last night to take away everything that I was feeling but I couldn't bring myself to actually smoke any."
"Can I?" I hand the weed over to Charlotte who puts it securely in her pocket. "I told you this isn't as bad as you thought it was. If things were that bad then you would've taken this but you didn't. You are stronger than that."
"I don't feel strong." The girls each wrap and arm around me in attempt to comfort me. I look up and see Jess walking into school. My eyes follow her as she walks towards the building. Her hair barely bounces off her back the way it used to, her eyes are glued to the ground. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss seeing that smile and hearing her laugh.
"Isaac!" Charlotte yells making me jump.
"There's no need to yell." I scowl.
"She did call you three times." Summer backs Charlotte up with a small giggle at the end of her statement. "You still like her don't you?"
"I never stopped." I sigh as Jess disappears into the building. "But it's not like that can ever change now anyway." I go to take the drugs from Charlotte who is still holding them but she quickly moves so that I can't get them. "Come on Charl, please."
"Come on Isaac, we've got to get into form." With that the girls get up and walk towards the school. I follow them, keeping my head down.
Someone bangs my back in a friendly manner so I look up to see Matt standing beside me with a small smile on his face. I can tell by the look on his face that he isn't annoyed at me for last night. I'm glad I haven't annoyed him but if I were Matt then I'd be fuming.
"Isaac?" Matt whispers to me once we are seated in our form rooms. Our teacher is going through the register so we know that we've got to be quiet. I simply look at him rather than replying. "Why were you speaking to Joe yesterday?"
"I figured that if he told me what happened then it would help me to believe Jess." I say sounding ashamed at the fact that I need help to believe my own girlfriend.
"I'm sorry for dragging you away but I know you don't like him and you were drunk ... it was a recipe for disaster." He chuckles quietly.
"I know, thanks." I smile weakly. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, maybe we can go together to speak to Joe." I agree because it would probably be better to have Matt with me as it would stop me saying or doing anything out of line. "Well done as well."
"For what?" He flashes me the small packet which I gave to Charlotte earlier.
"The girls gave it to me so I can get rid of it. Well done for being strong enough and not having it."
"Thanks." I smile but my mind starts race with ideas on how I can get the small packet back. Shaking the thoughts out of my head because I know that drugs won't help me right now, I attempt to concentrate on what our teacher is saying - yet again he's talking about finals which are quickly approaching.
"Now for announcements. Isaac can you go to see Mr Rightsworth at break please." The class all 'ooh' like little children so I roll my eyes.
"Mature. Real mature." I mutter making everyone quickly shut up. What could Mr Rightsworth possibly want with me?
I have to see Mr Rightsworth at break but I have no idea why. As far as I know I haven't done anything wrong. I've done my work, my grades aren't too bad and I have kept myself to myself. I look at the clock on the wall in wonder. I guess I haven't exactly been myself lately. I haven't been socialising much because the girls seem to always be with Isaac but that's no reason for the head to want to speak to me about that.
"Okay so off to lesson, keep your heads down. Remember finals will arrive before you know it." Chairs scrap along the floor, the noise echoes through the air filling the room followed by the sound of feet shuffling out of the room. "Don't look so scared Jess there's nothing wrong." My teacher tells me just as I'm about to leave the room, I send him a quick smile before leaving.
* * *
I knock on the door to Mr Rightsworth's office. He calls out for me to enter so I take a deep breath before opening the door. Much to my surprise I see Isaac sitting in one of the chairs opposite Mr Rightsworth. What's going on?
"Please come in and take a seat." I do as I'm told, but I subtly shuffle the chair away from Isaac. I still really like him but I don't want to. I don't want to like him, I want to get over him but I can't. I'm trying so hard and seeing him and being so close to him right now is not helping. "So do you know why I've asked to speak to you both?"
"No sir." Isaac and I say together. I sneak a glance at him before turning my attention back to our head teacher.
"You aren't in trouble but I just wanted to speak with you about your grades. Your grades were really impressive, you were either average or above in all of your classes but lately your grades are slipping. What I am trying to say is I'm trying to determine whether this is due to stress because of the finals or something else. I want you both to realise that you aren't alone and the teachers and I are all here to help you as well as your fellow students."
"I'm sorry sir, I apologise for my grades but I've had a knock with something in my personal life and I guess it's just got to me pretty hard. I'm trying to get over it though and move on." I say warily.
"I have the same sort of problem, but I guess I could say I'm really struggling with it so it's effecting my education." Isaac says glancing at me. "I don't feel as strong right now as is did before." I can tell that Isaac is basically talking to me through Mr Rightsworth.
"I have trust issues and I also have an issue with people trust in me. I put my trust in someone thinking that they trusted me but they clearly don't. I was really hurt and I ..." I trail off not wanting to admit in front of Isaac that I am basically suffering with depression because of him not believing in me.
"Okay." Mr Rightsworth says slowly. "Well if you need to talk then please come and see me or any teacher that you feel comfortable with. We are here for you with your education and personal life if you are struggling. Right now you need to remember that you aren't alone." He sends both Isaac and I a comforting smile before wrapping up our little meeting and dismissing us.
I leave the office feeling really emotional. I wish I could just fall into Isaac's arms and tell him that I've been over reacting. I wish I could hear him tell me that he'd be here for me but it's clearly not healthy for me and he doesn't trust me so I have to move on whether my heart wants to or not.
"Jess." Isaac says as he closes the office door.
"Please. Don't." With that I walk away from Isaac as quickly as possible. I know that if I talk to Isaac then I will crack, I'm not yet strong enough to face him so until that day comes when I am strong enough I will just have to keep my distance however hard it may be.
YOU ARE READING
Isaac is your typical popular, bad boy jock. He has the looks, the brains and the girls. He has everything that a boy his age could ever want. His family aren't rich however they have enough money to live comfortably. One particular girl catches Dr...