On Broken Wings

~17~

We share something in this moment that I think changes something inside of me.  There's still so much pain from the things that have happened, but the weight of it...it doesn't seem quite as heavy as before...like my body knows that I'm not carrying the burden alone anymore.

The connection breaks as the door bursts open and Luke calls out from behind an armload of white paper bags, "Honey, I'm hooo-oome!"

North growls from behind him, "Get out of the way,  shit head!  What if she'd been asleep?" His volume raises as he goes on, "you can't go shouting in a hospital!"

That does it for me, and I snort out in laughter at them.

Silas and Nathan file in after the brothers with more bags in tow, and Silas chops North on the back of the head.  "What do you call that?" he smirks.  "Really loud whispering?"

North grumbles under his breath, but I catch, "... not fucking yelling you big, dumb Greek..."

"North!" I admonish.  He looks up at me and I see his ears tinge pink.

"You heard that?" he asks.  I frown and nod, and watch the pink spread from his ears to his neck.  "Sorry, Sang, I didn't mean it, honest, Baby."

His face drains of all color as the last word slips from his mouth and I feel my heart clench.  He takes a couple of steps backward and I'm certain he would have taken off if it weren't for Owen and Sean standing in the doorway.

He turns back to me and mouths, "I'm sorry," over and over again.  I nod and try to keep myself from crying again.  I lock gazes with Owen and he reads me in a single glance.  He and Dr. Sean both step into the room and quietly close the door behind them.

Owen clears his throat and places a hand on North's shoulder.  "You are definitely demonstrating a new talent for sticking your foot in your mouth, Mr. Taylor,"  he deadpans.

North drops his head and mutters, "That's for damn sure."

I get myself under control and Owen nods at me when I try to communicate that I want to try something.   I reach my hand out to North and wait for him to accept my invitation.  He hesitates for just a few seconds before taking my outstretched hand and sitting lightly at the edge of the bed.

"North," I say softly.  He looks up at me and I offer him a tentative smile.  "I don't want you to stop calling me that, so please don't feel bad.  Just, right now, I'm sad about things beyond any of our control.  Don't take the blame for my feelings on, okay?" 

He nods and a slow smile spreads across his face.  "Do you still like me?" he asks.

"Of course I do, North Star," I reply instantly.  His smile widens into a grin and I'm shocked.  "You have dimples!" I blurt out, and the room bursts into laughter.

The lighter mood continues while the boys set up an impromptu feast at the foot of the bed.  Owen prepares a plate of veggies and salad and some gooey macaroni and cheese and hands it to me with a fork.  I thank him and watch as everyone loads their plates with more food than I would ever know what to do with.  I make a mental note to increase quantities when I cook again.  I guess I never realized how much boys eat!

I take a small bite of the salad, but my stomach clenches and I end up just pushing the rest of my food around while everyone else eats.  North is grabbing himself a third helping when he notices my plate and he frowns at me.  "You've got to eat more, Baby,"

I hand him my plate and sigh.  "I'm not hungry right now." 

He opens his mouth to say something more, but Owen silences him with a nod and I shoot him a look of gratitude.  Something passes between Owen and Sean, and I see Kota and Gabriel do the same thing out of the corner of my eye, but no one says anything.

The rest of lunch is lighthearted and Silas keeps me laughing with horrible jokes.

"Aggele, what did one ocean say to the other ocean?"  I shake my head and he grins at me, "Nothing, they just waved!"

I giggle, and see several of the guys roll their eyes at him.

"How do you get Holy Water?" he asks.

I look at him sidelong.  "Um, you ask a priest for it?" I answer.

He shakes his head and winks.  "Nope, you boil the hell out of it!"

Sean snorts and begins choking on the sip of Sweet Tea he just took, and Silas slams a giant hand on his back a couple of times, laughing at his reaction.

"What's eight inches long and more fun when it vibrates?" he asks this time.

Owen slaps a hand over Silas' mouth and clears his throat at the same time that North punches him in the shoulder and Gabriel falls out of his chair laughing.  Kota's cheeks color with a slight blush, and Luke winks at me with a smirk.

"That's enough, Mr. Korba," Owen orders and I look at them all in confusion.  No one meets my eyes, and they all quickly clean up the mess from lunch. 

North, Nathan, Luke, and Victor say their goodbyes and drag Silas out of the room before he can finish his joke, but I hear him holler from the hallway, "It's a toothbrush, you gutter brains!"

Sean laughs and Owen shakes his head as he closes the door.  Everyone quiets and the four remaining guys each pull a chair close and sit in a semi-circle around me.  They all look at me seriously and I find myself tensing. 

What are they about to tell me?

My hand wanders to my abdomen and I remind myself that nothing could be worse than losing a baby.

Gabriel breaks the silence.  "Sang, you know you're beautiful, right?" 

I'm surprised with the direction this is going, and the other three nod in agreement.

They think I'm beautiful?

Kota picks up after Gabriel, placing a hand on my knee.  "I know that as a ballerina, you're under a lot of pressure.  You need to consume between 2200 and 3500 calories on days when you dance in order to keep your strength up."

"You're too thin as it is, Pookie," Sean adds.

"We'll get you whatever help you need," Owen starts, but I cut him off with an angry wave of my hand.

"What are you trying to say?" I demand, seething.

Owen hands me something that gets my blood boiling as he says, "You need to eat, Sang."

I grip the diary he handed to me...my diary...open to where I was keeping track of my meals.

Sean misunderstands my shaking and pats my hand consolingly.  "Three or five hundred calories isn't nearly enough, Pookie.  You've got to do better."

My rage hits a tipping point and I explode.

"You think I'm starving myself?" I shout as loud as my broken voice will allow.  "I just lost my baby, and I am stuck in some demented time loop where the same horrible crap keeps happening to me!"  I shove their hands away from me and glare at them.  "I'm allowed a freaking loss of appetite!"

I wave my diary in Sean's face and clench my teeth.  "You don't think I know that three hundred calories is a flipping joke?"  I point my finger at Owen accusingly.  "This was private!"

I slam the book down on the bed beside me and they all jump.  "I wasn't keeping track to limit myself!  For Heaven's sake!" I throw my hands up furiously, "I was homeless!  I was trying to make sure I was getting enough!  I spent most of what little I had on food and vitamins, trying to take care of myself the best I could!"

I feel tears spill out of my eyes and my outrage gets takes over.  "GET OUT!" I order, pointing to the door.  My livid expression leaves no room for compromise, and the four of them hurry to obey, figurative tails between their legs as they exit my room.

Owen stops just before leaving and turns to me.  "I'm sorry, Miss Freeman.  We'll be just outside, waiting until you're ready for us to apologize properly, and keeping our promises to you."  He ducks his head to me and then gently closes the door behind himself.

I growl and throw my journal at the stupid door.

***