day 1

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today was excruciatingly painful

if only i could've turned invisible

everyone had their eyes on me
everywhere i turned, someone noticed
teachers and students  kept giving me looks of sympathy and pity in the hallways
they all muttered their "im sorry'sand "we're here for you's"

i wanted to flip them off,
tell them that i didn't need them to pretend they give a fuck about me

i sat with calum ashton and michael at lunch
they tried to keep the conversation about mundane things while i just sat there and they just let me but ever once in a while they told me that it's going to be okay and that they're always gonna be there for me no matter what
strangers even paused when they saw me on the way home, whispers coming afterward

i tried real hard not to cry

stuck in a place of constant suffering
i hate how it takes what you love away from you
leaves you empty and broken

i let the tears flow once im back in my room
my earphones blasting music the loudest they can

i try not to think about it about her
                                                                   i can't

it's been a week since her funeral

since i last saw her, eyes closed in her favorite white dress looking so serene
i couldn't save her from herself, and now she's gone never to return again

i miss you mom

         i miss you so so much

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