These Conflicting Feelings (LIRRY + NOUIS)

Chapter 9

Louis' POV

I sighed quietly, my heart still racing from what had happened just moments ago. I was embarrassed of course, having a feeling that Niall might have caught on to why I was acting so strangely. What we discussed about Harry and Liam was relevant to it, too, so I wouldn't be surprised.

I finally admitted to myself that I, in fact, was bi.

And, that I was slowly falling for my bandmate, Niall Horan.

I was trying to wrap all of this around my head, with so much going on between the band. See, Zayn was engaged now, to a girl, which makes it slightly less difficult.

But then there's the rest of us, the ones who have a thing for one another. Excluding Niall, I wasn't too sure about him. I mean, he hadn't had a girlfriend for three years now, but I honestly could not tell if he was into men, or women. He was most likely interested in women, the odds of three of us in the band being bi were already very low, but it happened anyway. I'd doubt it'd be four of us.

I think my biggest worry was how the fans would react if they found out about any of this. I had a feeling a large number of them would not be happy about it and react badly, but I also knew that even more of them would genuinely be happy for us and not mind it at all. That made me feel better, but I was still worried.

I shouldn't have to worry about that though, knowing our management would not let the public know about three of the band members coming out. 

What about my family? They didn't know that I was bi, and our mothers were rather close to each other, so how would they react when they found out Harry and Liam were bi as well?

And I was falling for Niall, knowing it's nearly impossible he would ever even feel the same way, which broke my heart. Harry and Liam were lucky, they had each other. 

But me? I had no one. It was just me, just Louis, like always. Sometimes I wished there wasn't five in the band, because it wasn't even or fair. Everyone had a pair, except me. Whenever we did something together, Niall or Liam always went off with Harry, and whoever didn't, went with Zayn, leaving me all on my own.

It's always been like that.

It was upsetting, really. Because the boys honestly had no idea what was going on with me, they thought I was perfectly fine. But I wasn't. With all of these rumors always flying around, this hate, being ignored.

I wasn't only having feelings for a fellow bandmate, but I was depressed.

There, I admitted it.

Sometimes, it made me smile, when I looked through tweets about me and how fans seemed to notice that I rarely ever smiled anymore. And when I did, it wasn't like how I used to, it wasn't filled with happiness or any of that.

I sounded selfish, saying I wasn't happy with the life I had. Because I could have everything I ever wanted. But what I really wanted, was love. I wanted someone to show me, that I wasn't alone, that I was never ignored, that I mean something, that they know who I really am.

'Louis seems really rude in real life, I don't think I'd ever want to meet him.'

'I hate how Louis is so rude, I thought he was really nice before but now I don't.'

'I don't care about Louis, I only like the others.'

'i hate louis'

'Louis is so annoying, he needs to learn how to respect people..'

One after the other, each one hitting me harder than the last one. 

'I don't think it's possible to explain how much Louis actually means to me.'