Pretending (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction)

Chapter 20: Her

These are the moments that I wish I could turn back time. I wish I have the right to rewind all the things and just be happy. I wish I could be back and worry about nothing. I wish I could always turn away from all the bad things in life but I couldn't. No matter how happy I get, there is just always something that is going to happen to me. Something that I don't know, but for sure would probably break my heart.

I got stuck in my tracks and my heart started racing when I saw my mother standing not so far away from me after I closed the door. The sweet smile on my face had turned into a straight one, very unreadable. I'm afraid. Afraid to hear or know that something happened. I was not like this before. I was always prepared and ready for anything. I was always ready to hear that something happened, or something is just about to happen. But this time, I can't seem to stop myself from worrying. The look on my mother's face is crashing my heart. I may not know it yet, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with me.

"What was that?" She uttered.

So that was it. She had seen me with Calum. She saw us hugging, and probably thought of something. That doesn't have to be a very big deal, not even to me. But for my mother, it seems like it's bothering her for some reasons. I looked into her eyes, and all I can see is pain.

"He's just my f-"

"Do you even know what you're doing?" My mom cut me off, almost yelling at me.

My heart started racing again. I can't seem to find the right words to say, but I still tried.

"Mom I'm 17. And there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing." I stated calmly.

"Nothing wrong?" She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Kristen you are seriously out of your mind."

I don't understand what she's trying to say. I wonder if she even know how happy I've been this past few days.

"You don't understand, mom."

"Well I do! You think I don't but I do!" My eyes widened as she started yelling at me. "You think because you're already 17 you know all the things in life already? You are so stupid! You think because you are old enough you can just go hang out with anyone and what's next, have sex with them? You know nothing about life so stop acting like you do, Kristen!"

I could feel tears already forming in my eyes. They want to fall but like what I always do, I fought them back as much as I can. I don't want anyone to see me crying, especially my mother.

"You don't know what you're talking about." I uttered, finding it almost hard to speak.

"I do. That boy is going to be all around you just to get into your pants and he will leave you right after and make your life miserable!" She exclaimed.

"Don't talk about him like that." I said, my voice shaky.

"Awh why? Does it hurt your heart? Well it will! He's just going to mess you up, Kristen! For fuck's sake!"

"He makes me happy." I said right away.

"He doesn't and he will probably just fuck you over and leave you for the re-"

"He makes me happy!" I screamed at my mother's face. "Oh wait, right. Why didn't I have come to think of it? You don't understand. You can't understand even a single thing because you've never had love in your heart. You were never happy that you wanted everyone around you to be miserable just like you. Just in case you forgot, I'm your daughter. And apparently, I deserve to be happy and have a life as well so please just leave me the fuck alone!"

I covered my mouth and immediately regretted what I did when my mother backed away and stared at nothing. Tears started streaming down her face and my eyes did the same thing. I couldn't stop them anymore. My mom is my weakness. I hate seeing her seeing her in this kind of state. It breaks my heart. It shatters me. I wish I could just pick up all her broken pieces and mend her, but they are all gone and she herself couldn't even find them anymore.

I run my hands through my hair as I wipe the tears from my eyes. I sighed and starting walking, probably heading to my room. Just as when I was about to leave her, my mother decided to say something again.

"I just don't want your heart to be broken, Kristen."

I looked back at her and tears started falling from my eyes again.

"I don't want you to be like me."


*


I slowly opened my eyes when my alarm started buzzing. My head hurts like hell and my eyes look terrible. I had been crying all night and I know it would cause me nothing good. I feel like I got hit in the head with a brick. But even though I couldn't stand up, I tried and managed to do so. I went to my drawers and took some pills. I need to get rid of this headache as soon as possible. Today's a Tuesday and I really can't be absent. I have missed a lot of school works and if I didn't show up today, I'd say hello to detention again.

It's kind of hard to believe to finally admit to myself that I already prefer being at school rather than staying here at home.

After taking a quick shower, I went to my dresser and grabbed my usual outfit. I decided to wear skinny jeans and a gray sweater that I matched with my red beanie. I'm not in the mood to pick or choose clothes today. I just go with whatever I get from my dresser just like what I usually do. Or maybe what I used to do. I applied my usual make up and left my hair out. This is me. This is Kristen Walsh. After minutes of getting ready, I headed off to school with my skateboard and stuff, not even minding to get some breakfast.

I know I can skate now if I want to. This seems so stupid that I have my skateboard with me and yet I still prefer to walk. I guess walking has really something to do with making myself calm. I smiled as the familiar cool wind hit my face. This is just making me realize that no matter how full of bullshit life could be, I can still have another chance to be happy and make things fine. Maybe this day could turn out fine like how it did yesterday, but I hope it won't end up the way it ended.

After minutes of walking, I finally got to the campus gates and started looking for Calum. It's only five more minutes before the bell would ring and he's still not around. There are no signs of him anywhere. I can really wait for him, but I would be late for class. I decided to text him.

To: The Calum Hood ;)

Message: I'm here. Where are you?

The bell rang and I didn't even bother to look for him as I make my way inside. I texted him so I know he knows I waited. If he's late then it's his fault. But he was never late. Why would he be late?

I made my way to my locker to put my skateboard as I listen to my music. I can't stop myself wondering why Calum wasn't out there waiting for me. He was always there, mad or not. What could have happen? I know I shouldn't really be bothered about these things but... I can't stop myself. I can't help but wonder why.

I decided to pass by his locker as I make my way to class. I guess being late for a few minutes wouldn't cause me too much trouble. Maybe Calum is there. Maybe he's waiting there for me.

I heard a loud noise coming from where I was heading while I walk. I turned to look if anyone is still at the hallway with me. Almost all of the people had gone to their classes and there are only few people left, including me. I slowly walked to Calum's locker. I know he's in there since I heard something. He must be doing something.

I turned to my right with a huge grin on my face as I make plans about scaring the shit out of him, but when I looked at his locker, I got shocked for what I saw. He is there. He has his back on his locker, with Stacey pinning him, kissing him hard.

The moment I saw it, I wanted to run away. I wanted to just disappear and hope no one saw me. But I couldn't. I got stuck on my tracks and I couldn't move even just a single nerve. My mouth hang open and my throat felt dry. My heartbeat is getting uneven. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I couldn't understand. I know to myself that I shouldn't be feeling anything but my heart is screaming. I remained standing there, quietand speechless but I wanted to scream out. Anger is boiling up in me. I don't understand why. I wanted to pull her hair off and snap her neck and bang her head in the wall. I shouldn't be feeling anything about this. But fuck this shit, it's like thousands of knives are being thrown at me while I shower into a lava. This doesn't even have to bother me big time, but it does. I don't know why, I don't understand, I couldn't explain, but I'm mad. I'm angry. And I'm hurt.

I forced myself to turn away and just go. I don't want to come to class anymore. I don't fucking care if I get into trouble again. That's what's my life is made up of anyway. I'm a walking disaster. I just couldn't stay here anymore. I am surrounded by shit loads of fake people and there might be a big chance that I'd burn all of them if I still come to class. This anger inside of me is starting to get really worse, and at the same time it's making me wonder. Why the hell am I so affected with that? They were kissing and playing tonsil hockey. And so? They can do whatever the fuck they want because to be honest I really don't give a shit about people like them and all the crappy things they do. I keep reminding myself about that but why am I so affected? Why am I mad? Could I possibly be jealous? Fuck no!

But what if?

This weird game in my head is annoying. I want to stop it, but it keeps on bothering me. Damn it.

Well then. They want a game?

I'll give them what the fuck they want.