Jake

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People say that dogs are man's best friends. I think it should go dogs who won't be mistaken as scruffy rats are man's best friends. Dogs who are not like Jake.

Jake was a dog who was a mutt of many miniature breeds, producing a tiny bitter pooch with scraggly matted fur. He was a rowdy and untamed little beast. He hated people, and his main goal in life seemed to be to yap at your feet, no one could do ANYTHING with him. Walks, grooming, sitting on the same couch as him... Reaching across him was like sticking your hand in a bear trap, you would pull back your arm to find a yappy mutt latched onto your arm. So all in all, bad dog.

Finally it came to the time that Jake's behavior just wasn't acceptable anymore. Mom was pregnant with my sister and Jake tended to make kids run away crying. Hiring a dog trainer seemed the only way to tame the beast. We called down a dog trainer who claimed to be "always successful" and a "natural born dog whisperer."

The next weekend she was on our doorstep, perfectly punctual. Her brunette hair was tied back in a no nonsense way and face reflected pure determination. She seemed kind enough as she shook my father's hand, but stern and unmoving as well. She had already met Jake, seeing he had ran barking at the door, being the first to greet our guest. He was now in an intense game of tug of war with the trainer's pant leg.

Looking down, she seemed unfazed, and firmly said, "No! Drop it!"

Jake paid no attention whatsoever, and continued his struggling against the seams.

Still looking calm and collected, the trainer repeated herself, but got little to no response from Jake. Slightly frustrated now, she tried to push him out of the way, and yanked her leg away. Jake flew backwards, but immediately jumped up and started back over, no sign of being injured. He was at her side in an instant, already having a stare down with the leg of her pants.

She turned to us, "I can't train him, if he doesn't know I'm the alpha dog. I have a way, to pacify him, but don't be alarmed if he looks like I'm hurting him. Nothing I do will give him any pain."

My mother and father hurriedly gave her permission, desperate for a well behaved dog. The trainer crouched over Jake and pinned him down.

Staring into his eyes, she said, "I am the alpha dog. I. Am. The. Al- ahhhh!!"

Pee squirted up onto the trainer and she released Jake. He got up triumphantly and left her in a pile of his urine. The trainer looked at us in shock as our mouths hung open. She gave us a look as if saying Your-dog-is-untrainable-and-I-have-to-leave-because-there-is-dog-pee-soaking-through-my-clothes-and-it-is-starting-to-smell. We let her go with a few feeble parting words; she couldn't get out if the house fast enough. As the door slammed, we turned to stare at our rebel of a dog thinking why?.

Needless to say, we got rid of Jake, and sent the trainer a new pair of pants.

Survival Tip #177- When you feel like getting an pet- get a fish. Or at least an animal that won't scare the kids.

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