letter: t w e n t y - n i n e

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dear benedict,

i used to be so afraid of drowning that i'd wear those inflatable arm floaties even when i went into the three foot end of the pool.

but now, well, that all seems stupid.

because instead of worrying about drowning in water, i should have been thinking about all the other ways i could be drowning.

i should have been thinking about being swallowed whole by my own thoughts, instead of worrying about the clear, peaceful water closing over my head.

because i guess, in a sense, i've already drowned, benedict.

i've let these feelings and thoughts take ahold of me and drag me down. 

i kicked and screamed at first, but then it just became so tiring, so time consuming, that i finally gave up and let it drag me down even further.

and then every now and again, i get this urge to make things right again and i fight my way back up. except i never reach the top.

i kick and push myself away until i can see the light and then i fool myself into thinking that i've already made it, when in reality, i haven't even touched the surface.

it's a cruel thing, benedict, especially when you're constantly living within it.

but it's alright now, benedict.

i've already sunk as deep as i can possibly go, and i guess you could say i've welcomed the water into my lungs.

maybe it's okay to drown sometimes.

everything is dark and quiet then.


a washed up fool

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