i used to be so afraid of drowning that i'd wear those inflatable arm floaties even when i went into the three foot end of the pool.
but now, well, that all seems stupid.
because instead of worrying about drowning in water, i should have been thinking about all the other ways i could be drowning.
i should have been thinking about being swallowed whole by my own thoughts, instead of worrying about the clear, peaceful water closing over my head.
because i guess, in a sense, i've already drowned, benedict.
i've let these feelings and thoughts take ahold of me and drag me down.
i kicked and screamed at first, but then it just became so tiring, so time consuming, that i finally gave up and let it drag me down even further.
and then every now and again, i get this urge to make things right again and i fight my way back up. except i never reach the top.
i kick and push myself away until i can see the light and then i fool myself into thinking that i've already made it, when in reality, i haven't even touched the surface.
it's a cruel thing, benedict, especially when you're constantly living within it.
but it's alright now, benedict.
i've already sunk as deep as i can possibly go, and i guess you could say i've welcomed the water into my lungs.
maybe it's okay to drown sometimes.
everything is dark and quiet then.
a washed up fool
YOU ARE READING
Dear BenedictTeen Fiction
❝ you see, your name isn't benedict, and i'm surely not alright❞ // a series of letters from a girl too scared to let go \\ *intentional lowercase* spiritual #45