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March 26th, 2016 ... 10:36 PM

The heart monitor's beeping was my lullaby, helping me fall asleep on this terribly uncomfortable hospital "couch." This glorified armchair should not have qualified as a couch. Couches were supposed to be somewhat comfortable to sleep on, in case one fell asleep while watching television or was trying to sleep off a hangover at a friend's house.

But this...this was, hands down, the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I had ever come across.

Why was I analyzing the damn arm chair? Harry was laying on a hospital bed, dozens of cables attached to his body, and there I was, wondering why their furniture wasn't more comfortable.

That was my way of coping.

When Louis had called to tell me that I needed to get to London, I didn't waste a single second. I rushed home, driving dangerously fast and, somehow, avoiding getting pulled over, I arrived in twenty minutes. I packed a bag, probably forgetting most of my things, but I didn't care.

As soon as the words, "Harry got in a car accident," left Louis' mouth, all I could think about was being with him. The second thing I thought about was that this had been my fault. I had wished for him to be dead in a moment of frustration. I had taken it back almost immediately, but the thought had already crossed my mind, and that was what counted.

I watched his chest move up and down very slowly. His beautiful, long lashes were probably tickling his cheeks, but he did not move one bit.

I was so scared.

I wanted him to be okay.

I prayed that he would be.

I never prayed. I never had to ask God or "God" for anything. I was always very grateful for what I had and was always sure I didn't ask for too much. I was quite content with my life, but, at the moment, I felt hopeless, so I turned to the big guy upstairs.

I was never really a believer. I mean, I did believe, to an extent, that there was a greater power, a divine being, just because it was nice to have something to believe in, but I would never consider myself a religious person.

I pulled myself up and off the chair, so that I could kneel beside Harry's bed. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to the cold metal, whispering quiet prayers to whoever was listening.


My head shot up so incredibly fast that it was a miracle I didn't get whiplash. I looked to Harry, but his eyes were still closed and his lips were still pressed into a thin line, his chest still moving in the same, slow pace.

I turned around, my eyes meeting Louis', who looked equally as tired as me, if not more.

"Babe, visiting hours are over," he spoke quietly, his voice hoarse.

"I can't leave him," I shook my head, facing Harry's still body again.

"Sydney, we have to. Just for a little bit, darling. We will be here first thing tomorrow morning, I promise," he sounded exhausted as he stepped forward to circle his fingers around my arm. I shook my head. "Syd."

"I can't leave him!" I yelled out as hot, fat tears streamed down my cheeks. I wiped them away carelessly, pulling my arm from his gentle grip. "I can't fucking leave him!"

"Sydney!" His tone caught me off guard, my eyes immediately locked on his. "Do you think I fucking want to leave him? It breaks my goddamn heart! But, guess what? Staying here isn't going to magically make him wake up! We will be back tomorrow and he will still be on this bed, unresponsive."

"I can't," I shook my head again, turning my attention to Harry. He remained motionless, save his calm breathing, even after our screaming. We weren't loud enough to wake him. Nothing was.

"I didn't think walking away would be so hard for you, considering how easy you made it look before," I heard Louis mutter.

I didn't even think about what I was going to do next. I did it without giving it a second thought.

I slapped him, my hand coming down flat on his cheek. The sound echoed in the silent room and we stood, staring at each other.

"You don't know shit," I spat, pushing past him and outside into the waiting room.

I spotted the other boys at the same time they saw me. It was quite clear that they had heard our arguing by the expressions they wore. I was not in the mood for a meet and greet session, even though my inner fangirl was clawing to get out, so I walked in the opposite direction, until I had exited the hospital.

I stood on the sidewalk with my head down and my lip bit into my mouth to keep me from screaming. It was dark, the moon being the only source of light, as well as the glow the hospital emitted from behind me.

I felt something land on my arm and I raised my head, just then realizing how cloudy it was. The raindrops continued to fall, until I was soaking wet.

I finally let myself go.

I cried and cried and cried, but felt comforted knowing that the sky was crying too.

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