968 22 5

One, my dad. Two, Joshua. Three, Gustus. Four, Gina. Five, Lexa. And six, Lincoln. How much more are there going to die? How much more do I need to suffer because off lose? Because I'm tired of it. I can't do it anymore. Every time I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. How can I stop that feeling? I never want to feel like that again. But that's the problem. I will always continue on having that feeling. It doesn't matter if I want it or not. I will always have that feeling when someone dies. And it won't be gone until I die.

Octavia is bringing us to a cave she found. She said that Bellamy was in there. That she kept him there so that he wouldn't do anything else that's stupid. So I had an idea. I want him to think I'm dead for a few seconds. To let him know what could have happened to me. To let him think that he lost me. I know it's hard and it's stupid that I want to let him feel like that. But he needs to feel the same pain I feel every time someone dies. And I want to know what he does when he thinks I'm dead. I want to know if he cares. 

So that's what we are doing now. Everyone is going inside the cave except me. I come in a few minutes after. Octavia said to me that it was a brilliant idea. But I know she just said it for the same reason as me. To let him feel the pain she's feeling. She wants to let him know that Lincoln is dead. She wants to let him think that it's his fault. But it's not his fault. And she need to realize that but I know that she won't believe me when I say that it's not Bellamy's fault. She won't change her mind about that. 

'Where is Emily?' I hear Bellamy ask.
So he does care about me. But he doesn't even know that Lincoln isn't here. His friend. It's unbelievable that he doesn't even see that Lincoln isn't in the cave. Why can't he see that? Lincoln was the biggest guy of the group. He was always the one you saw first. Because of his hight, his mussels, his tattoos. 

'You don't care about Lincoln, do you? Pike put a bullet in his brain,' Octavia says angry ignoring his question.

'O., O., I am so sorry,' I hear Bellamy's voice break.

I think this is the right time for me to appear. I sigh and turn around the corner just in time to see Octavia trowing punches at Bellamy. 

'Octavia, that's enough,' Kane says trying to stop her.
'Kane, stay out of this,' Bellamy says getting tears in his eyes while he looks at Kane. 
He hasn't even seen me yet and I'm practically behind Kane. No one has seen me yet except for Octavia. But I understand that she wants to let Bellamy think I'm dead for a few more minutes. I understand that she thinks he deserves is. I understand that she's angry. 

'Stop. That's enough,' Miller says while he walks to Octavia.
But she just pushes him back and he stumbles against Bryan. I look back at Octavia and see that she's now totally kicking his ass. Bellamy has blood over his face and it's coming out of his mouth. I can't look at this. Octavia will regret this one time. And I don't want to see Bellamy suffer anymore. Bellamy falls on the ground and Octavia hovers over him. This need to stop. 

'Octavia that's enou-'

'You're dead to me,' she cuts me off by saying that to Bellamy.

I look shocked at her words. I never thought, not even for a second, that she would ever say that to her own brother. Octavia always acted like she didn't need him. But I know she does. Even more now Lincoln is gone. By the look on Bellamy's face he didn't expect it either. Because of the look on his face I know he's now feeling the same pain as us. 

Octavia walks away from her brother and I slowly walk over to him still shocked by Octavia's words but also worried about Bellamy. I land on my knees in front of him and his eyes finally meet mine. He looks even more shocked that I'm here. I don't know what to do. Scream at him for his mistakes or hug him because he needs someone right now. I don't know. But I'm glad he is the first to talk.