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I thought about two things on the Ark. How it was to be floated and how it was to be on earth. I imagined a thousand times how it was to be floated. To have the air sucked out of your lungs. To see your loved ones cry because they watch you die. To wait for the terrible feeling. But I didn't thought it would be terrible. I thought it would free me from everything. Every problem. I was waiting for it on the Ark. Waiting to be floated and to be away from all the problems. I would finally have some peace. 

But that didn't happen. No, they send us to earth. To a beautiful but also horrifying place. There are more problems then I ever imagined. More than there were on the Ark. I've always wanted to go to earth. I wanted to see it's beauty. To see what it was like living on it. When I finally got the change I changed my mind. I survived death. More then once. I killed. More then once. I saw people die. More then once. I wanted to go back to space. Back to the Ark. 

Everything on earth was beautiful but there were also horrible things. There were mutated animals. Grounders, mountain men. It all got to my head. I went nuts. I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know how to survive anymore. But when the rest of the Ark came down it slowly became better. Slowly. It never became the best thing that happened to me. Being on earth and the Ark coming down. It gave me more problems.

Now the only that's left is also gone. He gives more about one guy that's not even saying the right things. He gives more about him then his own girlfriend. That's one of the problems. Then there's also the thin line between grounders and sky people. It can snap every time. And I think it already did. They fight like it's nothing. Like no one dies. Like they don't care. Well I do. I care. That's problem number two. 

Then there's also three. My choice between life and death. Do I want to live or die? That's what I can't decide. People told me not to kill myself but it will be easier for everyone once I'm gone. Of course there may be some people who will not come over it. But they have to eventually. Once your dead you left everyone. You can't feel anything anymore. Death is easy to commit. 

But life is harder. If you don't want to disappoint people you have to the good guy. But when you do one thing wrong that can all fall apart. What do you do then? Go on like nothing happened? Maybe. But you will not live happy. Of course when everything goes right and you're still the good guy, life would be amazing. And I can't tell you otherwise. But that didn't work for me. Of course I'm happy. But I disappoint people. And because of that I disappoint myself. I tried to be the good guy. I tried so hard. But I failed.

'You haven't failed.' 
I look because of the sudden voice and see my dad standing right in front of me. 

'Am I dead?' I quickly ask in shock. 
If I can see him then I must be dead. Or I eat those nuts again that makes people hallucinate but I don't think I did. 

'No you're not. You're in between. In between death and life,' my dad explains with a smile while he sits down next to me. 

In between death in life. So that means I need to choose. The choice I find so difficult. I have to make it now. I turn to look at my father. He hasn't changed. Not at all. It hurts me to see him. Knowing that he will disappear again. But it will hurt me even more to not see him. To not remember him anymore if he's completely gone from my mind. 

'How did you know what I was thinking?' I ask him curious. 
I didn't say anything out loud. I'm sure of that. I kept everything for myself. Well I thought. 

'I could hear you thinking. And you haven't failed. You never did. You always succeeded.' 

'That's not true,' I say quickly while shaking my head. 
I may have succeeded once or twice, but not always.

'It is. So tell me about that boy,' he says laughing. 
A smile appears on my face immediately. 

'He's amazing. But he changed and I don't recognize him anymore,' I say getting sad. 
Bellamy did changed. Into a monster. 

'He may has changed but not into a monster. We all change sometimes Emily. Even you.'

'Yeah but I didn't kill people for nothing,' I try to defend myself. 

'If this is who he wants to be then you have to accept that. He loves you remember that.' 

I stand up getting angry when he says that. 

'Why does everyone say that? Why does everyone say that he loves me? If he really loves me then he has a funny way of showing it,' I say pulling a hand through my hair with tears getting in my eyes. 
'Listen Emily,' my dad says softly while he still sits on the same place. 

'To what?' I ask him frowning. 

'Just listen. Calm down and listen,' he says while he stands up and takes my hand. 
I keep my mouth shut and try to listen to what he means but I can't hear anything. I only hear my own heartbeat and my breath. 

'Dad I don't hear anyth-'

'Please come back.'

My eyes go wide because of the three words I just heard and I look at my dad. I see a smile on his face. 

'Dad was that yo-'

'I need you.'

I keep my mouth shut and know that it isn't my dad since he doesn't open his mouth. And it's not his voice. I recognize the voice but I can't tell who it is. 

'Baby, please come back to me.' 
I frown at the words. I'm starting to feel dizzy and my knees start to wobble. 

'Dad what's going on?' I ask him panicking. 

'It's the one who loves you the most in the whole world who can bring you back. You have to choose now. Do you want to die? Or do you want to live with the one that loves you the most? With the one that you love the most? And become happy with him. Choose between death and Bellamy, honey,' my dad explains. 

Then he's gone. Everything is still the same but my dad is suddenly gone. It's like he wants to let me make the decision on my own. 

'I don't know what to do without you.'
He's crying. Bellamy is crying. I have to go back. I can't die yet. I can't do that to him. Or to anyone else. 

I feel a squeeze in my hand and I look at it. it's slowly fading away. Like everything else. Everything is slowly turning black. I feel something warm on my own hand and something on my stomach. I slowly open my eyes and see what's lying on my stomach. It's Bellamy's head. Well that's new. 

I slowly put my hand on his hair and he shots up. He looks shocked at me. 
'Emily?' he asks like he doesn't believe I'm awake. 

'Hey,' I say with a smile. 
Suddenly he throws his arms around me and holds me really tight. I put my arms around his neck and close my eyes. 

'I thought you were going to die. Monroe died because of the fog and you were out for two days. I thought you were going to die too,' he whispers. 
I back away from the hug a little bit and place my head against his. 

'I'm not dead. I'm here.'

He places his lips on mine and kisses me like this is the last time he can do that. I understand. He thought he could never do it again. But now I'm alive he can. 
'Did anything happen in those two days?' I murmur against his lips. 
'Not really,' he hesitates. 

I'm not going to ask about it. I'm back and I'm thankful for my dad to tell me that being alive is better then being dead. He didn't say it that way. But it was leading into that direction. I'm alive. And I'm with Bellamy. And that's all that matters right now.