Crazy?

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It's been a year since Jaehyun often feeling as if he just wakes up from a coma, from a really deep sleep without any dreams, without any memories of how and when he sleeps then how he wakes up in an unfamiliar place. If he's lucky enough, he'd wake up on his bed, but still with no memories of the night before.

At first he suspected it's happened because he had sleeping habit, maybe sleepwalking, that's why he often wakes up in the strange places. But one day, when he found himself waking up inside the warehouse, in the middle of the sea of blood and unconscious bodies around him, he was terrified. He knew it's not only a sleeping habit anymore.

"I'm a monster. I'm possessed." That's what Jaehyun thought.

He met a shaman, diligently following what the shaman said for a week, doing strange rituals and bring talisman everywhere he goes, but it didn't change anything. He still woke up in the middle of nowhere, without any memories why he was there. Even though for that week there wasn't any bruise and cuts on his face, and there wasn't any blood stain on his clothes, he was still terrified.

He stopped meeting the shaman, thinking maybe there's something wrong with his brain, with his mental. The idea of coming to the psychiatrist was scaring him. "What if I'm crazy?!" Jaehyun was scared. His society is still labeling someone with mental disorder as the lowest human being. Someone with mental disorder is treated differently, even lower than how people treats animal.

People could sympathize with a cancer patient, but why they couldn't do the same with a mental disorder patient? They both sick, though in the different aspects. Jaehyun wondering why. But that's how society works. He couldn't change people's perspective in a blink of eyes. He couldn't blame people if one day they find out about his abnormality and call him 'crazy'.

Jaehyun is scared. He is still not ready being "different". He feels scared interacting with people, scared what if they find out and then tell him to go away, to not be there, to should not having a big dream, to should not doing something he always love.

That's why Jaehyun builds invisible walls around him, to protect himself. He is hiding behind those walls. It's been a year since he pushes people off of him. Jung Jaehyun has no social life. His world only rotates around university-apartment-university-apartment, or so he thought at first until his therapist helped him finding out about his alter egos, the strangers who live inside his body but with the totally different personalities and memories.

His therapist helps him getting know his alter egos better. Sometimes his therapist asks him to talk to one of his alter egos, whom considered as the safest among the 4 alter egos he has by doing a routine recording every counseling session. Then whenever he gets the reply, he still feels it's only a dream, a really bad one, because he knows it's himself who talks but with the different consciousness, personality, name, and experiences of life. He wishes it's not one of his alter egos who talks to him, but his twin. It must've been nice having a twin named Jung Jae Yook who loves cooking instead of sharing the same body but with the different consciousness.

Jaehyun never talks to his other alter egos aside of Jae Yook. His therapist said he's still not ready meeting those three, but his instinct told him maybe they hate him and refuse to talk to him. Jaehyun knows better than anyone, even he himself sometimes hates himself.

Jaehyun has been trying to make a peace with himself, to forgive himself – as how his therapist suggests him to do – but it's useless since he has no idea of why he has to forgive himself, forgive himself of what?

Jaehyun knows there's a big hole in his memories. He always knows there're some missing puzzles in his life. Before he knew he's suffering from the Dissociative Identity Disorder, he thought it's only the usual thing. People often not remember their childhood recollection, do they? But now he's wondering, maybe there's something, an important thing in his childhood that shapes him into who he is right now. He's trying hard to remember what it is, but there's nothing. His childhood is normal, as long as he remembers. 

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