Black Diaries

17. How to fold up a Panther

Maybe it was because I had this huge sword of Damocles in the form of Chuck's army of cousins hanging over me, or maybe it was because I saw another piece on TV telling parents to keep their boys at home because the big, bad murderous Cassy McKinney was out there—whatever the reason, when I went to work the next day, I wasn't feeling particularly chipper. So when I entered my office, only to discover a large snake draped around my chair, I lost it. I admit it. I lost it, utterly and completely.

"Joe!" The name was a curse, pressed out between clenched teeth. Not bothering to check for the markings, I marched forward, ripped the unfortunate snake from her resting place and held it up to my face, staring right into her eyes.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" I told her. "Participating in office bullying! I always thought snakes were better than that!"

The reptile averted her eyes, shamefaced.

"That's right! Bad girl! Now come with me. I'll get you back to where you're supposed to be, and then I'll go teach a lesson to that piece of rotting bat guano!"

I knew exactly what I had to do. It wasn't even that difficult. After I had put the snake back into the herpetarium, it just took a quick trip to the cages where the larger animals were kept, and then a walk outside into the parking lot. No one was around. Really, it was peanuts.

That day, nothing much happened. I just went about my usual duties, patching up paws, probing broken bones, and taking care of cats who were having kittens in the literal sense. It wasn't until the morning of the next day that Jill came stumbling into my office, her body shaking with laughter, tears shining in the corners of her eyes.

"H-have you heard what Joe did last night?"

She managed to make it to the chair in the corner, then slumped down, uncontrollable giggles rocking her body. I didn't look up from the cut in the side of the Spaniel I was stitching up.

"No, what?"

"H-he came r-running in from the parking lot, just after he went out to drive home, his face white as a sheet, screaming at the top of his lungs that someone had put a panther in the trunk of his car!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! People went to investigate, and of course the trunk was perfectly empty. The panther had mysteriously disappeared."

"Fancy that."

Jill snorted. "If you ask me, he was plastered. Panther in the trunk indeed! He drives a Porsche, for God's sake! How is anyone supposed to get a panther into that kind of miniature trunk?"

I made the last stich, and tied the knot. "With fresh steakes and a lot of persuasiveness?"

"Ha! Good one!"

Next day, it was announced at work that Joe had gone on leave to rest his nerves at Happy Sunrise Home for the mentally challenged, where he hoped to be cured of this tendency to see wildcats in car trunks.

I really love animals, especially the scary ones. They're so cute and helpful.

❤☠❤☠❤☠❤☠❤☠❤

"What are you looking so happy about?" Chuck asked when he came to pick me up from work that evening.

"Oh, nothing." I shrugged, beaming at him, and thinking fondly of panthers. "I'm just happy to see you, I guess."

"Well, the feeling is mutual, my savage little animal."

Our date that night was totally fantastawesome. Chuck took me to the Dancing Crane Café in the Bronx Zoo. They didn't actually have any dancing cranes, but they had some mean burgers, and the people were almost as interesting to watch as the animals. On top of that, Chuck informed me with a solemn expression that his mother had had to leave town to visit a sick cousin, and we had to cancel our next dinner. Could the day get any more perfect? But no matter how much I felt like dancing on the rooftops with joy, I did my best to act disappointed for his benefit.