I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off

I sing the blues and swallow them too

I told him so. No windows. I will never see the stars again. Since I'm going to die, I was put in a jail cell on my own. I wasn't allowed a call so I couldn't check up on Patty. This was supposed to be our night. The night we sealed the deal and I make him feel like the only person in the world. He still is to me but I know he will never believe it. Now some other guy gets to take his virginity. As much as I should hope Patrick finds someone who can do it good for him, I'm just so bitter, no one would've done it better than me because no one will ever love him as much as I did.

He attacked Gerard and Frank then? That's adorable. I hope they didn't touch him and I wonder what went down. Either way it's one of the nicest things I can recall anyone ever doing for me. That's Patrick. My Patrick. The sweetest most perfect person in the world. I would've thought, my last 12 hours I'd be thinking about myself more. But all I want is Patrick to be safe and happy. I can't live without him; I suppose that's why I'm dying.

Its a good thing I spent so long in jail. I still remember all those special little tricks. It's a surprise that these guards wouldn't even check me over thoroughly but I guess that they've given up on anyone on deaths row.

The cap twisted off easy enough and I was careful not to let the contents inside make enough noise so I wouldn't be interrupted by any guards. Each tiny capsule of blue held my escape, and I held it. I've never been good at taking medication without a drink but I don't have much choice.

Patrick's favorite song was some blues song about being alone. He never told me but its the song he shouted with the most enthusiasm in the car. I could only hum the tune as I wasn't familiar with the lyrics. The first pill went into my mouth as I thought of his face as he hit the powerful notes. The second pill as he laughed at me spilling ice cream over myself. Third, fourth and fifth, and he's making me breakfast in a floral apron, swaying to the song in his head.

Ten more, and it's one more moment we should've had. Another and it's the feeling of mud sticking to my back, and the glare of the glowing bridge through my blurred vision -the tears Patrick didn't see. Another and my vision goes blurry again. Another and I can't even open my eyes. Another...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beep.......Beep........Beep.........Beep.......... Beep...........

I don't want to open my eyes. He's not here. I'm probably not here. If I don't move, then maybe the beeping will stop and all of this will finally be over.
Another failed attempt. That makes six now. I can't do anything right.

"Nice try, but we got that rope for a reason. You don't get to go peacefully I'm afraid." the voice is unfamiliar so what do I care. I heard their footsteps walk away and as the sound of the door closing was heard I opened my eyes.

I hate hospitals. They're so bright and uncomfortable. The sounds of beeping echoing around the room. I don't have the energy to sit up so I can either stare at this plain, desolate ceiling or
Shut my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I assume it's night time as all the lights are out. This time I can actually raise my whole body and I manage to sit up. The other patient is fast asleep and so is the guard. I would've thought we'd have better security than this but I can't really go anywhere.

Unlike the rest of this hospital, my ward is bare. Empty and white like limbo itself. I guess I'm not allowed any paintings of butterfly's seeing as I'm still set to die. I wonder if the other patient did what I did. Tried to find an easier escape. Or maybe he just has a disease, and needs medical assistance. Either way for what it's worth, I'm more or less alone.

Tears began to hit the plain, pale blue bed sheets, and my body shook as I tried not to wake the other two. My fingers twisted through the black mess that was my hair and I pulled, wishing to pull as hard as I could and split my whole self in two. I hate everything. Everything I've become. No matter how hard I try, I can never die and it's not fair! I ruin everything!

My hands shook in front of me and I felt the frantic need to do, something. Anything. I looked around me panicking while tightly gripping the plastic sides of the bed. My whole body continued to shake and lightly rattle the bed too. There was nothing dangerous anywhere near me, for obvious reasons, but I felt more tears begin to stream down my face.

I ruined Patrick.  He was so well behaved and a law obiding citizen and in less than a week I've made him commit multiple crimes. I've infected him, turned him like me. As my hysteria grew, one hand clamped around my mouth to hold in my screams. Looking at the others in the room, I couldn't wake them. My other hand shook and lifted above my head, desperate to do something.

I threw it back down on to the bed and tightly griped the sheets as my body curled in on itself like a shell. I felt like throwing up, my vision blurred with tears and face flushed red. The tube into my arm suddenly came to my attention and without hesitating I yanked it out. I looked over the rest of me and pulled out another two, only to throw them as best as I could and place my hands back over my face tightly.

As the hysteria calmed, the tears fell harder. My stomach churned and I couldn't hold it anymore. I threw up into a puddle in my lap and down my front. Before I could be disgusted or carry on crying, the bed began to spin and looking up so did the whole room. Then my head hit the pillow and I was fast asleep once again.

"Good job! That's got all those nasty pills out of your system nice and quick!" My eyelids fluttered open to the sound of a way too cheerful voice this early in the morning. A young nurse was sponging me down and I was only in my boxers. I began to squirm away and she smiled sympathetically.

"It's fine I didn't look... Except maybe a little." And the she fucking winked at me! I pulled my arms over my chest before spluttering out,
"I'm gay!"
"Yes and you're also a criminal on deaths row for murder." my cheeks heated up and I turned over. "Don't worry, I'm only messing with you. I'm Ashlee, and believe me I've read your case." she raised her eyebrows at me as she stepped back and into the arm chair. I grabbed the cloak next to me and struggled to put it on under her gaze.

She was sweet, and had been looking after me since I got here. Her hair fell in gentle chocolate waves which framed her soft almond-shaped face nicely. She spoke in a smooth voice, lined with sympathy and sprinkled with humour. Her delicate fingers wrapped around the shinny ball point pen as she got ready to write.

"Now I need to ask you some questions for hospital records okay?" I nodded as I sat up cross legged and laid my hands in my lap. "Did you give yourself the tablets?" I only responded by nodding. "And how many did you take?"
"I didn't really pay attention,  maybe over twenty?" She nodded and scribbled down some notes.
"Have you been abused since being moved to Brooke hospital?"
"Uh, no."
"Are you happy with your service?"
"Not really..." she put the clipboard down after writing and leaned toward me.
"Can you tell me why? I won't write it down."
"Well I'm not really here in the best circumstances am I." I squeezed my hands tightly and fiddled with them while she looked at me. "I'm not really happy I woke up."

She spoke with me like I was normal, like Patrick would.
"Have you seen him yet? Since you've been in here?" I shook my head and looked down. "They wouldn't really let you either would they? After what happened." I didn't answer, I only started to cry again. "Hey don't get upset," She looked over to the guard who was just leaving to get a coffee then turned back to me. In a hushed voice she continued, "With what I've read, he seems pretty smart, I imagine he'd find a way. If he gets past reception he'd only have to get past me and that useless guard."

I looked back at her and she winked. She's been doing that a lot and I stared at her confused.
"Can I even have regular visitors?" Not that anyone would want to see me.
"Only your lawyer. No one else is allowed up here."
She made small talk with me which made me feel a lot better than last night, but eventually she had to go back to other patients. One thing she did tell me that was useful was that after the pills were out of my system, by law I had to remain in hospital for at least 24 hours, and that it was her decision when I could leave and go back to where I had been.

Alone again, in the darkness of the ward, patient and guard asleep, I turned over to my side and stared blankly at the doors. No one was coming through them, and I wasn't going out if them. Again, I shut my eyes.