nineteen | it's not that simple

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BELLAMY:

She kissed me. I put my fingers up to my lips. I can't believe she kissed me. She took it away too soon, but damnit, she kissed me.

I'm sitting in my tent, on my bed, replaying the whole scene over in my head again. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was wallowing in my own misery, wandering in the woods when she appeared. I thought I was imagining her, but then she ran up to me and kissed me. The way she felt, the way she tasted, I knew I couldn't be making that up. She's all I want, but I somehow let her slip away. She convinced me everyone would be better off if we were apart, and sitting in my tent, I don't know why I had agreed with her.

Okay, so maybe it isn't good for our leadership if we were, you know, banging, but what did that matter? Don't we deserve happiness, too?

I touch my lips again. I swear, I'm not usually a swooning romantic, but Clarke has an unexplainable effect on me.

I don't know how long I can handle being away from her. It's only been a few minutes, but I want her again. I want to kiss her again, to hold her again, to just talk to her. Now that our feelings are out in the open, for the most part, I can talk to her again, without holding anything back.

It's breaking my heart that I can't be with her. I hadn't admitted it, to myself or anyone else, but I've had feelings for Clarke for a long time. I've just been hiding them.

And now that's the last thing I want to do. I want to leave my tent, go in the middle and camp and shout, "She kissed me!" but I can't. I can't even kiss her again.

That's it. I can't let this go on. I have to find her.

I wander out of my tent and see Octavia on her way to the camp entrance. I call her name and she freezes in her tracks.

"Have you seen Clarke?" I ask her.

"Why don't you check her tent?" she replies, facing me.

"I- I don't want to disturb her or anything..." I stutter.

"Did something happen?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"No!" I say, a little too loudly. "I mean- Uh, no, what would have happened?"

Octavia smiles. "I'm happy for you," she tells me.

"Happy about what?"

"You know about what," she says, smirking. "Tell Clarke I'm happy for her, too."

"It's not that simple."

"Well, it should be," Octavia says. "Clarke likes you, too, Bell."

"That doesn't matter," I mumble.

"You'll find a way to make it work," she says. "You have to."

I don't say anything else about it. "Are you sneaking out to see the Grounder?" I ask.

Her posture stiffens. "No."

"Just tell me the truth."

"Maybe I am," she says. "But you're not in charge of me."

"Do you promise you'll be safe?" I don't know why I'm letting her go. Maybe if I can't be with Clarke, I at least want Octavia to be happy.

"I will be," she says, nodding. "I'm safe with Lincoln."

"Okay."

"Thanks, Bell," she says, wrapping her arms around me.

I hug her back. "I love you, O."

She beams at me and squeezes my hand before heading out of the camp.

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