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      It's been an hour. An hour since I'm stuck in Maya's room. We've been doing nothing other then talking and I'm bored. I want to get out of here and help Bellamy. Or do whatever it takes to get out of here. It's been an hour since I've heard about Bellamy. Since I've seen him. I'm worried sick. I don't know what to do. I'm bored, worried, scared of what will happen to us. I know that they are drilling people because they need blood. Bone marrow. It's sick to do it that way.

     Bellamy came here one time and he wanted to see me but Vincent said no. I am not really happy with that. I don't know if he's okay or not. If he's even alive. Vincent apologized to me for not letting Bellamy see me. He said it was for the best. That if Bellamy comes here to many times that they will find out that he doesn't truly belong here. But I think they already know. That they knew from the beginning.

      'I'm sure he's okay Emily,' Jasper says about Bellamy. 

'How do you know. You don't know where he is or if he's really doing okay,' I say. 

I'm scared. Scared of losing him again. Scared of dying. Some of us died today. Not me. Not yet. I know I will die. They will do anything to get out of this mountain. To go outside. To see the world again. And I understand that. But drilling us is not the right way. They will do anything for sure. So would I. I want to get out of this mountain and I will do anything for it. 

      'I don't know if he's really okay. But I think he is. Bellamy is strong. He will survive this. He knows what he needs to do when they find out that he doesn't belong here,' Maya says sure about it. 
Well I'm not that sure. Of course Bellamy's strong. But he's alone. There are a hundred guards in this mountain and if they find him he's dead. 
'You don't know that Maya. One of us is going to die. Could be Bellamy. Could be me or Jasper. Or you. And what should he do when they find out he doesn't belong here? Run? Because that's not going to work. If they find out about him then they will kill him,' I say sad. 

      I know exactly who is going to die. Maya. She is not able to handle the radiation. And once the Grounders are here to fight, something will happen that will bring the radiation in. It will kill all the people that live in this mountain. And I don't care about it. I want Maya, Vincent and the rest who'm helped us to live. But I know it can't once the fight is over. They will die.

      'I wish this fight was just over. I'm sick of fighting,' I say sad. 
'Me too. But we all know that there will always be a war going on,' Jasper says. 
I look down at the floor. I will never be done fighting. Jasper is right. There will always be a war going on. There will always be problems. People call me black queen. Still don't know why they do it but it will cause problems. That's for sure. I don't want to be called black queen. It's just not right. I'm not a queen. I will never be.

      What would happen after this? After this war. After everything. Will I be able to live like a normal person? Like someone without problems? Because I don't think that I can. All the things that have happened I will never get it out of my head. I will always remember the things I've done or that happened. My dad, Joshua, Gustus death. Me becoming a grounder. The war between the grounders and the sky people. The war I didn't stop. The virus. I let that happen. That was my fault. 

      'What are you thinking about?' 
I look back up at Jasper and sigh.

'About life. About everything I've done,' I say to him. 
He nods and looks down at the ground. Monty is sitting next to him and Maya is on the other side of him. I'm sitting alone in a corner. I didn't want them to comfort me. I just want Bellamy.
'We will never be able to live a normal live again,' I whisper just loud enough for them to hear me. 

'We will. Eventually. And we didn't really lived a normal live in the Ark,' Monty says sad. 

      I'm not so sure about that. The Ark was so much better then all of this. But I don't want to go back to the sky. I want to believe Monty. I'm trying to believe him. Trying to have some hope. Hope in life. Hope in my life. In a normal one. Hope that we're going to survive this. This stupid war. The stupid people in this mountain. They're only trouble. Hope in Bellamy. That he will survive. That he will come back to me alive. With these thoughts, I fall asleep. Not knowing what comes next. Not listening to Jasper or the others in the room anymore. 

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