Backwards Girl

Prologue

She never really knew what it meant to be in love with someone. She thought she did, but she truly didn’t. She knew how to love, but she didn't know how to be loved back. What she confused for love was lust, infatuation, and desire. She wanted to to be in love so bad. One could say that she was in love with being in love. She loved the thought of her feel something that she felt as though she was lacking. She felt deprived of this feeling that was the very essence of romance. The feeling that is depicted as something that is needed for true and utter happiness. Which is an accurate statement to some degree. But people romanticize love. When she found that out she thought it was ironic.

‘How can one romanticize love?’ She thought. She knew love was hard work. That was something she was willing to do, put in work. With her it was all or nothing. She either loved you with all her heart or she didn't love you at all.

Everyone thought they knew her. The quiet bookworm who was destined to be something great. They thought she was perfect. Perfect dark brown hair with light curls, the most perfectly shaped almond eyes that are the perfect shade of green eyes, perfect shade of rosy pink lips that aren't too full, skin that was either kissed by the sun in summer or as fair as snow in the winter, perfectly proportioned with a flat toned stomach, long perfect legs, the nicest smile that lights up a crowded room, a kind heart and a brilliant brain. She always seemed to have the man that others wanted. But that's all they see. The surface of her. The body in which she inhabits. The surface of her life and the surface of her relationships. If they were asked to describe how she is inside, the internal structure, they'd say perfect though they couldn't be more for from the truth. They really didn't know her at all.

She was a backwards girl. The people she should love, she hates. While the people she should hate, she loves. She only accepted the love she thought she deserved. That love wasn't love, but a toxic poison that would seep into her soul and corroded her. She was the equivalent of a human limestone cave. The outer shell was there, but inside she was hollow with jagged points.

The ones she accepted love from used up her resources till there was nothing left but a barren wasteland. Yet she still found a way to give them more. They'd abandon her once they got their fix, leaving her to fend for herself. Leaving her to mend the hole they left inside her. Some come back to her which she lovingly receives with open arms knowing full well they just want another fix before they depart. She acknowledged that ugly truth and had come to terms with it. She just wanted to be someone's one and only for as long as they were able to put up a decently convincible lie. The men she attracted and payed attention to thought they were so meticulous playing their game. She knew, she always did. Maybe in the beginning she would think that it was possibly something else though she knew better.

It's not like she couldn't attract the honorably decent men. The men with pure intentions and loving hearts that they're willing to cut out and give to her. She just knew that she would damage them. She knew that sooner or later she would mess up like she was always told she did and ruin him for the next woman. In a way she was also petrified of those men. She couldn't seem to wrap her brain around how perfect they seem. It was new territory, a new sea if one will, and she didn't like new. She just rather stick to the shark infested water that she's use to, that she knows.

There's a saying “there are plenty of fish in the sea”. That is true, but if one chummed the waters all one’s going to get are sharks. That's all she did. She chummed the waters. She swam the waters with a bleeding heart and, like any predator would do to weak prey, they hunted her down.

To the hunter she was easy, just not in the way one would expect. She was easy when it came to what she thought was love. The slightest sliver that looked like love to her she took. No questions asked. Maybe it's because she didn't have enough love for herself so she took any love she could get. Maybe she just wanted the numbness inside her to leave so she ignited the fire in her soul and opened the gates of her treasures to the small selection of sharks. Then they grabbed as much as they could carry, dousing her flame with piss without even having the courtesy of calling it rain.