chapter 12

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There were flowers.

So many flowers, the harsh pinks and whites and yellow all giving me a headache. Liam didn't even like flowers, he was always too busy to water them so he'd just give them to me.

"Flowers for my little petal." He'd say, every damn time. I'd roll my eyes and tell him to stop with the stupid pet name but all I felt was anguish now.

I watched as Liam's parents placed a bunch of red roses around his coffin, tears leaking from their eyes. Roses. Classic funeral flowers; it evoked love and grief, quite simply what they were feeling.

More of his family members placed down on his coffin, lilies. They symbolised innocence, the soul of the deceased has returned to a peaceful state of innocence. How very appropriate, I thought to myself.

When it was my turn, I slowly walked
up to the coffin as every head turned my way. I placed a single purple hyacinth on the coffin and looked up at the sky. Cotton clouds were tinged with grey, smothered with the most of pollution curling up and poisoning the sky. The purple hyacinth flower; sorrow. I am sorry, so sorry.

"For my petal." I whisper, closing my eyes for a few seconds.

I returned to my seat, looking down at the ground, knowing if I looked up I might lose it. He didn't deserve this, any of this. He was going to become someone great, he had his whole life planned out to the last detail. Things ran so smoothly for him, I was the thing in the way of him becoming who he was supposed to be.

It wasn't even my right to mourn him, I didn't love him and I let him believe I did. What right do I have to be standing here when it might as well have been me handing him the pills? That stupid voicemail, I had replayed over and over again until I had memorised it.

"...since there is no longer an us, all i want is for you to be happy..."

I sighed, wanting to scream at everyone for just standing there and crying, they should be furious with me, they all knew the reason now.

My mum had just given me a long look of disappointment, tears in her eyes as she looked away, my own mother couldn't look me in the eye. Liam's parents hadn't spoken a single word to me at the service or any time in between, I knew what they were thinking, I knew what everyone was thinking. They loathed me, and I did too.

Someone suddenly walks up behind me, Harry. "Sorry, work held me up." He whispers, his suit jacket disheveled and slightly tight fitted, and I see his head lean towards me as if he intended to kiss me but realisation seems to strike him and instead he clasps his hands behind his back and stares ahead to watch the ceremony.

I wish he had just kissed me.

After the service, I strode away as fast as I could, pulling my hair out of it's tight hairstyle that was keeping me together and once my hair tumbled around my shoulders, that's when I lost it.

Harry had ran after me, following me to a corner as I collapsed on the ground.

"Blair-,"

"No, stop!" I screamed, my voice cracking, "-there is nothing you could possibly say to make this any better."

He came and sat next to me on the pavement, wrapping his arms around me. He didn't try to say anything else, he was just there for me and for that, I was so grateful. I cried into his shoulder as he traced his fingers on my face, murmuring that it was all going to be okay. I don't know who he was trying to convince.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" Harry asks hesitantly, after some time. I nod into his shoulder, wanting that more than anything.

We are sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, I feel emptier than I did at the funeral. Our distance feels like painful regression.

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