Finding Lou

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It was gone midnight by the time I got home. Christian was outside of the building waiting for me; his face consisted of only anger. Oh boy this is going to be bad; I think to myself. Smiling and handing over some cash to the coloured cab driver, I get out of the cab and head straight for Christian who says nothing to me. He turns his back on me and begins to walk back to the flat with me right on his heels. Should I say something? Would I make it worse if I did? Lou’s words flash across my mind ‘He could be trying to kill you’ a shiver runs down my spine at the words.  I see the white wood door of our flat coming up and in an instant my body is filled with dread, I could see the anger spouting off of Christian. He opens the doors, leaving it open for me as he walks into the living room. I close the door and as soon as it is closed Christian lets of his rage.

“What the heck do you think you’re doing?!” Christian shouts, his face snarled into rage that shocks me.

“I just went for a walk that’s it. I got lost what else do you want me to say?” I say my voice shouting back just as equally, I didn’t want to shout – hell – I didn’t even want this argument. He eyes me hardly and his face is still snarled like a dogs.

“Do you have any idea what could have happened to you?!” He wasn’t letting this go. But behind his hard gaze I could see the softness of worry. He was just worried about me - that’s it; I say to myself. But the fact is I have lived in this world all my life, I lived in a rougher place than New York.

“I’m not a child Christian; I do know that there are murderers out there. I’m fine Christian okay, look I’m fine nothing happened. Let’s just go to bed, okay?” I calm my voice and reach out to take his hand in mine – but he pulls it away.

“No let’s not go to bed. You have no idea who’s out there! You don’t know who’s after you!” He says in a rage, making me flinch back at his shouting. Hold on who was after me? I could see in Christian’s eyes he didn’t mean to say the last bit. I look at him my face stricken, was he keeping things from me? 

“Who’s after me?” I say to Christian, my voice nearly a whisper. He ignores the question.

“I’m going to bed.” Was all he said before he walks up the stairs and turns left instead to the study? I collapse on the sofa and I cry; I don’t know why- Maybe because of Lou’s words. I didn’t know Christian as well as I could have and he was keeping secrets from me. What else could he be hiding from me? – It could be anything – ‘he could be trying to kill you’ – the words swirl in my head, Lou’s voice echoing around my mind. I stare up at the stairs, should I go up there and see him? I wipe at my tears before I gather my shallow self of the sofa and walk up the stairs. I knock at the closed door but there’s no answer, I try the handle – locked. I sigh deeply.

“Christian?” I say my voice tired.

“Leave me alone.” Was all he said, I press my forehead to the door before making my way back down the stairs to the sofa, once sat down I pull out the newspaper clippings I hid there earlier. I smile at them as my parents words are printed across the paper – “She was our beloved daughter” – “We will never give up hope”. I run my hands over the paper, a picture of me on the paper and then another of me, my mum and dad. I sigh and lean my head back; I thought everything was going to be fine. Who was after me? What else didn’t I know? I stare at the picture of my family and wish I could be there with them from all the worry, stress and anger. Tears leak from my eyes again as the happiness seems so far away, as it will never appear again in my life. I hide the clippings again and go upstairs, before I turn right into the bedroom I turn left just a little to say – “I love you Christian.” – And I meant it. I may not know everything about him, I may know he’s hiding secrets from me (that does make me angry and sad) but I will always love him – no matter what.

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