People as Punchlines

Last Words

"The parasites are excited when you're dead

eyes bulging, entering your head. And all your thoughts, they rot."    

-Parasites, Ugly Casanova

Albert Einstein was in his 70's when he died in 1955. I don't need to tell you who he is. You already know that.

The famous German scientist passed away due to a punctured artery, and the time eventually came when he mumbled his last words. But no one knows what they were. In his native language of German, he choked on air and sputtered out a sentence, cut off inevitably by the fact that his consciousness was being sucked away like a preschooler's juice. As he bled out, the English nurse watched. And she heard what he said. She heard his last words, but she didn't know what they meant at all. Had it not been for a language barrier, perhaps we would have another quote to add to some online list of famous last words. Otherwise, what difference would it have made? Last words don't matter.

Sure, they make a nice story. For instance, Thomas Grasso, a convicted murderer, who asked for Spaghetti-O's for his last meal before execution. Apparently, he did not get his wish, as his last words were, "I did not get my Spaghetti-O's; I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this." As you can see, the press found out, but poor Grasso's demands were never considered. What's the point of murdering someone if you can't get any damn Spaghetti-O's?

Then there is the last quote from Pulitzer Prize winner Eugene O' Niell, who was born in a hotel room. "I knew it! I knew it! Born in a hotel room and, goddamn it, dying in a hotel room." What a tragic life he must've lived.

Of course, many last words are known and repeated for long amounts of time, like a giant echo chamber. One of these includes the famous last words of Charles H. Duell, who was an old director of the US Patent Office. Like, really old, back in the late 1800's. It is known that he said, "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Wait- he didn't say that at all. In fact, it might just be that another Patent Office Director said that for his last words, had some unimportant words stripped away and changed, and then attributed to someone. In a report to the congress in the earlier 1800's, a man named Henry Ellsworth said, "The advancement of the arts, from year to year, taxes our credulity and seems to presage the arrival of that period when human improvement must end." And thus is the never ending game of telephone that is quotes, and especially last words.

And this is what happens whenever people say stuff. After an evolution of paraphrase after paraphrase, or just plain misunderstanding, people are said to have said stuff they didn't come close to saying. Or their words were deleted entirely, like Ellsworth's, and handed over to another person's mouth to be used until the cycle strips even that away into something briefer. It's human nature. All our words, all our thoughts, will be meshed into that of a mixed product from some other person's brain. And, eventually, it takes on a whole new meaning.

Famous examples of these are everywhere, littering Facebook statuses and cheesy Instagram posts of thousands. Most are things people think Ghandi said, but never actually said (it turns out he didn't say a lot of things). "be the change you want to see in the world," and, "first they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they attack you. Then you win," are both not his. 

For a short while on Facebook, a quote started circling around rapidly, like a short-lived virus. It was attributed to Martin Luther King Jr. and went, "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lost lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy." The quote actually originated from a 24-year old teacher who posted it on their status. How information spreads...falsely. 

So, truth is, last words don't matter. In fact, most quotes at all don't matter. They're just short screams into the void waiting to get distorted until they don't belong to the voice it came from, and it fades away as an overused cliche with little meaning left. The average person says 860.3 million words in their lifetime. Once you die, at least 99% of the conversations you had with others, the powerful insight you provided, your shared wisdom, or your sense of humor will have faded off the map and will never return. Even if you were the most influential human being in the universe, barely any of your utterances would be known while you were alive, let alone after death.

The song "Dark Center of the Universe" makes this point very clear with the lyrics, "Well, died sayin' something, but didn't mean it/Everyone's life ends, but no one ever completes it/ Dry or wet ice, they both melt, and you're equally cheated." All of your memories, all of your thoughts, they are all bound to rot after you die and the thing that gave you the consciousness you took for granted decomposes to become part of the soil again. So even if you get to say some last words that are inspirational as hell, that isn't going to keep your memory alive, the image of you, the words that consisted of millions and meant everything to us. And eventually that last utterance, too, will be forgotten, if not your nurse doesn't care well enough to remember or you don't die alone.

Sleep tight.

Sources:

-bbc.com

-mentalfloss.com

-historyundusted.wordpress.com

-proedit.com